It seems like in the US there’s a big emphasis on telilng kids they’re special for no reason. Ven I vas groving up bak in old kantree (Russia) I was always told to work my ass off if I wanted to be anything close to special.
Actually, I have a little experience on all sides of this issue, and one thing that stuck with me is this:
I was talking with a jailer one time (female) who had a teenaged son who (by her description) was quite well-adjusted for his age. Her method was this: whenever he did something that worked out well, she asked him what he had done, how he had decided to do that, and what he thought of the results. Similarly, when he did something that worked out poorly, she asked him the same set of questions.
Point is, she was teaching him self-evaluation and he was teaching himself self-confidence and judgement.
The “unconditional love” cocoon is necessary to provide an environment in which the child can feel safe to explore and learn. At an early age, it has to consist of lots of warm fuzzies. At a later age, it has to include a great deal of judicious feedback, preferably meaningful feedback – not baseless strokes about how beautiful or smart they are. And the sooner the feedback starts to stimulate self-evaluation, the better (in an age-appropriate manner, of course).
I think the “special”, “feel-good” movements arose largely in reaction to cold, punishment-oriented parenting, and I don’t think either extreme is very healthy.
I think every child needs to hear and see that they are loved. There’s never a time that parents need to stop saying “I love you”. But I think there is a time that you need to stop saying “you’re special, wonderful, pretty, smart” and start saying “I do like your hair that way, how did you do it?” “What did they say about your pants at school today?” “How do you plan to handle that?” “It looks like you did a good job, how do you feel about it?” “That must have been disappointing, what are you going to do now?” “Why do you suppose he said that?” and so on.
Spontaneous expressions of opinion and feelings always have a place (“I think you look great today”) but I don’t think they foster self-confidence, self-evaluation, or consideration of others. Certainly, a constant litany of denigration can stifle some of that (although some children rise above it). On the other hand, a positive environment provides some support, but the real tools of the trade are “spin” tools - how to hit the ball back into their court with a positive spin on it, and get them to handle it.
(And, no, I fail at this more than I succeed, but I’m trying…)
Yo, j-babe . . . why did everyone let the drunk guys get away with butting in? Chicago and no one gave 'em a shove and a yell to let them know they were out of line?
And why did you drive around the kid? I bet he’d have moved if you’d started foreward. And I bet he’d have learned a valuable lesson if you’d gotten out and demanded his name and address.
I won’t argue there’s a sense of entitlement in the country today. But I suspect that “not making waves” is as much a culprit as “you’re a snowflake.”
They don’t need to believe it’s acceptable. They only need to believe that they will get away with it- which they did.
Oh hell yeah. They had things thrown at them and they were yelled at, but they didn’t care.
I DID start forward and he didn’t move. I’m not going to run over a kid to prove a point, and I have better things to do than get in a stand off with a twelve year old.
By the way, these same kids were playing kickball in our front yard yesterday, kicking the ball against the wall.
“Why don’t you kids play in your own yard?” Mr. Jar wisely asked.
“Mom said to play over here, it’s bigger.”
“Go home and play in your own yard, or the park.”
“Man, leave us alone!”
They’re good kids. Raised well I can see.
As far as telling children they can achieve anything they put their mind to, I don’t know. when I told my mother I wanted to be an actress, she informed me of the struggle that lay ahead. I also wanted to be a pilot, but having 20/400 vision, it was impossible, and she told me so. I prefered being told the facts. There’s a difference between encouragement and…dishonesty.
First, Jarbaby is wayyyy off-base thinking of telling kids that they are not special. I was told the converse when I was young, that I was worthless and a burden and that I couldn’t do anything right, which has continued to screw me up as an adult. Kids need to be told they are special and loved and important.
Wht is missing in this thread is the concept of accountability. Kids and adults should take into them the idea that they must answer for their actions and that they bear the responsibility for their choices. We have abandoned the idea of equality of punishment in this society, that if you do wrong, neither your parents nor your social status can save you from being made accountable.
Well, I’d like you to cut and paste where I said to tell kids they’re NOT special. Just because you’re not telling a kid he’s the most amazing person on the planet doesn’t mean you have to tell them they’re a burden. There IS a happy medium. Which is why I said you should tell them how important they are to YOU and your family. What you shouldn’t tell them is “OF COURSE YOU’RE THE BEST ACTRESS IN SCHOOL! I WON’T HEAR ANY DIFFERENT!”
Being told I was special when I was young made me arrogant and aggressive. The constant string of failures in my life have removed my aggressiveness and replaced it with an intellectual apathy. I still tenaciously cling to my arrogance, though, no matter how unfounded. 
‘Special’ is, in this context, a subjective term; my kids are special to me because they are my kids, but that doesn’t extend universally. However, I think the pushing to the front of the line thing stems from simple lack of empathy for others - ignorance that other people are ‘people’ too and they don’t want to stand in line any longer than necessary either.
With supremely assholish individuals, I don’t think it’s so much a case of ‘I have carefully weighed up the value of myself as compared to these other individuals and I choose to put myself first’ as much as it is a case of ‘What other people?, this is all about me’.
If I had to point the finger anywhere other than basic human nature, I’d say that
-Perception of individual rights
-Experience of simpering ‘customer is always right’ customer service
Are two more important factors that foster a blinkered, selfish approach.
Well, as has been mentioned previously, there’s no accounting for jerks. They appear in all times, everywhere around the world, occasionally because of and occasionally in spite of what any one person would consider “good” parenting. Some people simply aren’t thoughtful, caring, or respectful, and sometimes these types of people breed.
That said, maybe you should take this to these kids’ parents. I mean, all wondering about social psychology aside, that might be a way to deal with the situation. At the very least, it might help their parents realize that you’re more than an abstraction with a (much?) nicer yard. Or you could put up a fence, or rig your yard with booby-traps, or something.
I disagree, here. I plan on telling every kid I come in contact with, whether or not I helped build them, that they can do anything they put their mind to. Muggsy Bogues is, what, 5’4", and he managed to play pro basketball for the Charlotte Hornets (back when they were the Charlotte Hornets) back when I was in high school. There are all sorts of other instances where people ended up doing things that were exceptionally difficult and succeeded, came up with new innovations, and so on.
I do plan on letting them know of the difficulties involved, however. To do otherwise would be cruel. That said, that sounds like what happened with you, here. You were made aware of the difficulties involved in a particular course of action. Still, there’s a difference between being made aware of probable difficulties and discouraged from something. I figure, from what I know of the world, kids are going to get enough people telling them what they aren’t capable of. They don’t need to get that sort of message at home.
Should they be held accountable? Yeah. Will I tell them that they’re intrinsically better than other people, and thus entitled to treat them as lesser than they are? No. Special? Yes, just like everyone else. Loved for who they are without condition? Definitely. Allowed to get away with murder as a result? Hell no. Deserving of the best? Definitely. Deserving of the best without putting forth the work necessary to earn and keep it? Definitely not.
I don’t think I see the connection between messages of being unique, special, and such with behavior that indicates that one doesn’t consider the feelings of other people, and such. Perhaps there’s more at work?
bamf
Well, see, that’s crazy. And that makes sense. There’s a difference between a healthy ego-boost and screaming like a lunatic.
bamf
WEll, I got a different impression from the thread title and the OP, but I’m wiling to accept your clarification.
Well, there’s a difference between Mugsy Bogues overcoming an obstacle and being mostly blind. I simply could NOT have been a pilot in the airforce. No question. It would have been silly for my parents to let me wander down that road hoping. They DID, however recognize my acting talent, and encouraged that.
The connection I’m making is one of a kid growing up saying “MOM said I’m special! Mom said I’m the greatest kid on earth, MOM said everyone loves me and the world is my oyster! What do you mean I didn’t get into Yale? Why am I not starting on the Football team? I should get a car for my birthday if I’m that fantastic”.
Like I said, my mother and father were wonderful parents who loved and encouraged me to no end…but they also told me that OTHER people’s feelings were more important than my own, and the importance of walking in other people’s shoes AND that life isn’t a sunshine and roses parade. It made me appreciate my accomplishments and joys that much more.
As for why I don’t talk to the children in my neighborhood’s parents: I have no freaking idea where they live. I live in a crowded neighborhood in Chicago and children are constantly wandering the streets. If they’re willing to swear at me and flip off my husband, I doubt they’ll consent to giving me their address and phone number.
Yeah, I have known a few people like that. Okay, I can’t say that they were that deluded in all areas of their life, but they were told that they were talented and wonderful, and therefore they could not believe that they would fail, or that other people might value someone else’s abilities over theirs.
I don’t know whether or not it was their parents drumming it into their heads that they were the best, but I do know that they took the shattering news (that they were not all that wonderful after all) very, very poorly and very ungraciously. However they got that idea that they were THE BEST, I do have to believe that those around them had to not be telling them the truth. Perhaps when the little darlings proclaimed that they’d do this and that and of course they’d be the best and would probably get an award or whatever, nobody tried to reign them in. This, I believe, is a very unkind to thing to do. You don’t have to be mean or unkind to a person in order to not feed their self-delusions. You can always tell them that they are very good at this or that, but Suzy over there is very good too, or that just because you think you’re good, it doesn’t mean there isn’t room for improvement, or whatever.
I’ve seen people simply not accept this cold hard fact, and I do believe that sometimes it’s because nobody told them. Ever. When I (or others) tried to gently introduce the concept, we were treated as if we tried to kill their puppy or like we tried to fly them to Mars—it was such a outrageous and unbelievable concept to them.
I’ve been giving this issue quite a bit of thought lately because my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my brothers and I are each going to be giving a little appreciation speech for my folks.
I don’t ever recall either of my parents telling me I was “special.” I do recall being praised when I did something praise-worthy, and I have fond memories of being held and comforted, read to, and played with (my mother is a mean badminton player). We certainly never lacked for any material comfort; however, we did not grow up with a sense of entitlement. We knew how hard my mother and father worked, even though we were never told “When I was young…” stories. We learned what was expected of us, and the value of hard work and effort through the example that my parents set. They both grew up in very poor, rural Virginia circumstances during the Depression. Both were raised on farms and had to work, even as children, to simply survive. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that all of my brothers and I got our first jobs when we were very young (I was toting lumber at a saw mill at 11, for pocket money). We were never told “Go get a job,” we just did it.
My brothers and I all played sports in high school. They attended games and cheered us on, and were proud of our accomplishments (I have a vivd recollection of my mother screaming “That’s my boy!” whem my eldest brother made a game winning reception on the football field). They never would have dreamed of berating the coach, inflating our egos with praise for sub-standard play, or anything like that. If we did well, we were praised. If not, we were told “Better luck next time - you’ll know to watch for his lob when you get in that position when you play him again.” It was all kept pretty simple and to the point.
When I was going through my divorce I had a really terrible time. I was depressed and quite the mess. My father finally said to me, “Listen, you’re letting this bring you too far down. You need to do whatever it is that needs doing to get on top of this situation. The world doesn’t owe you a God damn thing, and if you died tonight the sun is going to come up tomorrow. Get on with it.”
I believe that their way of bringing us up was based on the lives they had lead. Hard work, praise given when praise was earned, and a sense that you got what you were willing to work for.
Yeah, and that sounds like a good thing. Equal parts realistic and supportive. They told you what you were up against, you assessed the situation, and decided to divert your energies to a more receptive area.
Alright, I’ll agree that that’s kinda nuts, right there. I’m with you if you’re asserting that that kind of entitlement-think is a bad thing.
That sounds healthy, for the most part, although I’m not sure that the feelings of others should be valued as more important that one’s own. Everyone’s got the right to theirs on an even tier, to start. Granted, it can go up or down from their depending on a great many things, but i digress.
Fair enough. Perhaps a fence, then?
bamf
If need be, yep! Anything to stack the deck in her favor, in the long run. 