Were you raised in a barn? Enough with the horn!

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not angry enough to swear, so no Pit, but highly aggravated and looking for your thoughts…

Mmmkay.

There is a somewhat hermitty woman with a Buick or something who lives across the street. She’s probably high 50s.

There is another blue hair that lives about 4 houses down from us. We refer to her as the “Horny Old Lady.” Here’s why:

She will roll up in her metallic blue Dodge shadow, park in front of Buick Hermit’s house, and go: “meep-meep-meep-meeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.” I hate this anyway, get off your duff and ring the doorbell like a normal or hit her on her celly! This happens about 3 times/day. Horny Old Lady cranes her neck and when Buick doesn’t come out, she hits us up with another “meep-meep-meep-meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.” Finally, Buick waddles out, sucks what looks like the beginnings of the filter’s smoke from a cigarette which she tosses onto our lovely residential avenue.

She gets IN THE HORNY OLD LADY’S car. They sit there and chit-chat/make a drug deal/talk cross-stitch/exchange Black Forrest Cake recipes, who knows…they sit chatting for anywhere between 5 minutes to an hour and a half. Sometimes, the blue hair gets out and gets in the passenger side while Buick gets in the driver’s seat. WTF?

I have my suspicions on why they never go in the house. The other day a dog came blitzing out of the front door and I though, “Holy Crap, you’ve got a dog in there too?” It’s a little cottage all closed up with her smoke.

The Buick gets out, waddles back in her house and Horny Old Lady drives the remaining 100 feet to her home.

Every day. Yesterday, it was at 7.15 in the morning with the horn. Again at 1.30. Just now at 4.15.

One day I was napping and the bi-hotch woke me up, so I was peeved and banged on the wall (like I was in the dorm and that would shut her up or something).

Part of me wants to go out there after the first meep-meep-meep-meeeeeeep and tell her to know her roll, but she’s like eighty-hundred years old and I feel kinda bad. Another part of me wants to get out my ninja costume and grapple over the roofs and leave a Post-It on her windshield saying “STFU with the Horn” but I fear she may not be familiar with the acronym on account of her eighty-hundred-year-oldness.

I haven’t discussed this with the another adjacent neighbor who’s been here for years yet, but it’s driving me batty.

WWDopersD?

2

So forget the acronym and spell out all the words.

3

For the early morning horning go out there and tell her that you are trying to sleep and would appreciate it if she wouldn’t honk the horn repeatedly at early o’clock.

For the daytime stuff just let it go. People make noise during business hours. If she starts doing it at 9 or 10 at night (or as early as 8 if you have a young child) go back out there and tell her to stop.

If you have to tell her a second time let her know that if you are disturbed at such an early hour again you will not hesitate to call the police and report the noise pollution. If they are having an old lady drug deal in there this will shut her right the hell up.

4

I was trying not to swear 'cause I don’t want any barbecue.

5

I’d ask her to stop doing it.

6

I don’t think honking your horn is against the law so I doubt the cops would do anything.

As a sheriff told me once “we’re not really in the business of enforcing manners.”

It sucks sometimes, but getting what you want from the neighbors usually works better if you make friends and give cookies first.

You could go out there every time she honks and start boring her to death with inane stories about your day.

7

I would be tempted to chuck an egg at the Buick, but I hear that sort of thing is frowned upon by “society.”

8

Actually in many places excessive honking is indeed against the law. I know around here if you honk during certian hours in certian places it will earn you a $350 fine. If she is doing it A LOT it is just as bad as someone with their bass turned all the way up sitting around outside your house and might count as noise pollution. It is worth checking out as an option if nothing else.

9

Sporting goods store.
Air horn.
Horny Lady’s front yard, 10 minutes after she’s gotten home.
Quizzical/angry Horny Lady.
Explanation of “Now you know how I feel.”

10

1: Outfit car with train horn.
2: Driveby honking.
3: Profit!

Practical example: http://www.break.com/index/train_horn_scare_prank.html

11

You know, I would never advocate anything illegal, but there are only two little wires running to the horn which is often situated in the front of the engine compartment within easy reach under the bumper without opening the hood. I also would never suggest going into a auto-parts store and looking up the exact location of said horn in a repair manual (Chilton’s for example) just to make sure on the location and appearance of said horn.

12

keep in mind most cars (at least they used to) have 2 horns, one high note and one low note…
and I so want a train horn, my god that would rock the Drivers Ed Car.

13

A shadow shows only a low note, mounted to the radiator support via bracket behind the grille.

14

What Would Ron Do?

Go out there and say “Hey sweetcakes,” <big wink> “I know you want some of the Ron, but you can’t have any 'cause he’s taken.” <another big wink> “So I’m going to have to ask you to stop the beepin’, cause I got special forces training in the morning. I have to show some new recruits how to rip out a man’s larynx with their bare hands.”

15

Option 1:

Call the Police. Report the description of the vehicle (including license number) and the regular occurence of the behavior, with an emphasis on the early morning stuff and an inquiry into local noise ordinances. Me personally, I’d probably state that I do not wish to ‘confront’ the person because she’s elderly and I’m a fairly tough looking guy, and the next thing I’d know, I’d have three squads in my driveway and be answering questions about an alleged threat or some such bullshit.

I’d possibly also mention the littering, and how you’re bothered by it. If the cops pay her a visit and see a solid layer of butts, they may choose to do something about it.
Option 2:

Airhorn. Next time she pulls in, walk over, get right up to the car and, if the window is rolled up, tap on it and ask her to roll it down because you’re a neighbor and would like to talk to her.

Pull out the air horn and give her a blast in the face.

“Now you know what I have to listen to every fucking morning. Please stop.”

(Or possibly, “Oh shit, now I have to call 911 because she’s dead from the shock.”)

16

I shouldn’t admit this but I find that pretty funny.

17

Paintball gun?

No.

But intriguing…

18

How about, “Excuse me, ma’am, but did you know that I can hear your horn from inside my house?”

It probably hasn’t occurred to her that this signaling method travels to anyone’s ears but her friend’s. Her reply will give you the clue as to how to proceed.

“Oh, my! I’m terribly sorry, Sir / Ma’am, I won’t do that anymore” — problem solved.
“Oh, it’s just a little toot! It can’t possibly bother anyone” — airhorn.
“Fuck off, Jack, I’ll do what I want” — cops.
If she replies by blasting her horn at you, then I think you could cut the wires in retroactive self-defense.

19

We have neighbors who do this, except they sit outside their own house and honk. I’ve watched the process before, and it goes like this: Mom is ready to leave. Daughter is not (or doesn’t want to, or whatever; you never know about these people—their weirdness knows no bounds). Mom goes out to car and starts it. Daughter doesn’t come out. Mom begins to honk, repeatedly, every few seconds. Daughter still doesn’t come out. Mom honks some more. Daughter still doesn’t come out. Mom revs engine and backs out of driveway, honks, and pulls back in. This can go on for up to 20 minutes, depending on the day.

20

A note about barns. They don’t have car horns, so somebody raised in a barn would not have a compulsion to use one. Somebody raised under an overpass might have a talent for it though.