Wet Pants - A Kid Thing

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, last night at dinner I learned that the boy “had an accident” and “got his pants wet at school”. Actually, not in school, per se, but in the aftercare program. At first I didn’t put these two phrases together and was wondering what kind of accident he could have that would make his pants wet. Yeah, that kind. Bladder control issue.

This is not something we’ve dealt with in a long time (he’s seven years old, almost eight, in 2nd grade). Further questioning:

“What happened?”
“We were in the bathroom earlier, but I didn’t think I had to go. Then later I had to go.”

His older sister chimed in with, “They don’t let us go to the bathroom if we need to go. You have to go when they take the bathroom break.”
Me: “Was this in class or after school?”
Him: “After.”
Me: “Did you ask to be alowed to go to the restroom?”
Him: “Yes, I said I REALLY had to go, but they said I should have gone earlier.”

Net, he came home in some “new” clothes, and was more than a bit embarassed by the whole thing.

Your opinion:

Does this seem odd to you?

2

Well, it’s unfortunate, but I can understand the policy. I have kids who are prone to getting “involved” in playing and it’s led to a couple of oopses. Also, they can’t have kids running around the school alone, so things do have to be scheduled. Some kids would definitely abuse the privilege.

That said, you might have a chat with the caregivers and explain that you’ve discussed the rules with your kids and hope it won’t happen again and what should a kid do in case of emergencies, and so forth. I wouldn’t be confrontational about it. My policy is just to let them know that we do discuss our childrens’ days with them. I don’t think any of the people our kids deal with would really abuse their power, but I also think that kids whose parents who are present and involved with the school on a regular basis get better treatment.

3

See, I think this is a terrible rule. If ya gotta go ya gotta go. If this is a school-operated after-school care program, I’d go to the principal and tell him that your kid has permission to go to the bathroom when he has to go. If he’s in there every half hour screwing around, that’s one thing. But if he simply isn’t on the same pee schedule as the rest of the kids, THEY’RE the ones that need to get over it. That’s just awful that he had an accident. Poor kid.

4

Well, it depends on what you want to accomplish. My kids have been in a number of care situations, so I’ve been able to observe what happens when a parent demands special privileges or doesn’t come at least halfway in addressing conflicts. What happens is that good care programs are usually oversubscribed and they know they don’t have to put up with it. “So sorry our program doesn’t seem quite right for little Ashley. I’m sure you’ll find one that’s a better fit.”

We’ve generally found that large doses of sugar-frosted “how can we work this out?” are much more effective. I’m not saying you should let it go or ignore it. Just don’t ride in on your high horse.

5

It sounds pretty standard to me. The state and school district mandate a certain number of adult per child to be present, and there aren’t always extras to supervise unscheduled bathroom breaks, especially when it’s after school hours. OTOH, someone presumably had to walk him down to the nurse’s office to get a chage of clothes, so sometimes the system does fall down.

I’d talk with your son about the importance of “just trying” even when he doesn’t think he has to go. I doubt it will be hard to convince him after this.

The other thing to consider is what his behavior may have neen like prior to the incident. Is he always asking to go? Was he fooling around with his friends at bathroom break time? When he said he “really had to go,” was this something he says all the time and doesn’t mean it? Don’t go all Spanish Inquisition on him, but don’t get nasty and confrontational until you have all the facts from the adults’ point of view as well.

6

He’s extremely binary in this regard. He either doesn’t have to go, or suddenly “I GOTTA GO!” and he’s off like a bolt to the bathroom. As for his behaviour, his only ding on his last report card was “he should be more outspoken because he’d be such a great role model for the other kids”. This was from his advanced math teacher. He’s normally very shy and very deferential to authority, so much so that I worry about it. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t fool around with other kids and potentially miss his shot to urinate, just that he wouldn’t ask to go if he didn’t really mean it. Until recently he had a phobia of bathrooms and would anyway wait until he got home. The aftercare thing is new in the last several weeks.

The aftercare program is private, run on the school grounds. It’s held in the cafeteria so there is a restroom adjacent.

7

If the restrooms are attached to the area, I don’t think there’s any reason why a 7 year old can’t politely tell the adult he’s going to the bathroom and just being allowed to go. He doesn’t have to have his little tooshie wiped, after all. It’s awful, in my opinion, to put a kid in the position where he wets his pants publicly just because he didn’t have to go at their specified 5 minute time period. This is assuming he isn’t running back and forth constantly and/or smoking on the bathrooms :wink: )

StG

8

If it were my kid I’d be making a phone call (Or maybe even a visit in person) to whoever is in charge, asking why my child was forced to wet his pants after he asked to go to the bathroom and made it clear that he really had to go. ‘You should have gone before’ is a totally unacceptable response. Basic toilet needs are not a special privilege. As already said, it’s one thing if a kid was asking to go every five minutes, but it doesn’t sound like the case here. You said your boy is shy to begin with, and the teasing that he’s going to most likely get from other kids now isn’t going to help.
I’d be mightily pissed off and wanting an apology for my kid from whoever wouldn’t let him go to the bathroom.
Good thing I don’t have kids…
:smiley:

9

I don’t have kids, but if I were in your shoes I’d be livid.

This is just totally out of line IMHO. There’s simply no justifiable reason for the teachers/care-givers to treat children like this. They aren’t animals and they aren’t criminals, and the actions of the adult who refused to allow him to go sound nearly punative.

It seems a little curious that the child is so all-or-nothing about going to the bathroom, but that’s neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things.

I think that adult who refused to let him go deserves a flaming bag of dog-crap on their front steps.

10

I don’t recall ever having “supervised” bathroom breaks. Even when I was 7. Is this something new? I do remember having to ask permission, and that’s never sat well with me.

11

Huh. I had bladder problems too, and I had a teacher who did this to me - my gym teacher. I ended up peeing all over the gym floor, my mom had to bring fresh clothes, and she was livid.

As someone else says, bathroom breaks - provided they are not obviously being misused - are not a special privilege. I’d have been angry, too.

12

We had supervised bathroom breaks until grade 3 (he’d be in grade 2, right?) when I was in school (Kindergarden was 1979-80), so it’s not new new.

If you ask the school, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that what you’ll hear is it’s about safety and discipline. Heck, even our own Pit had an article a few months back about a little boy raped by another student in the bathroom at school - and they were around this age. Vandalism to school property, destruction of other kids’ property (in open lockers or hooks on the way), kids simply wandering off campus or being more likely to get snatched by an armed intruder because they’re wandering the halls. It’s this kind of extreme paranoia that schools have to be prepared for. If they aren’t, they are opening themselves up to unimaginable lawsuits. The only way they can react is to either hire someone to monitor the halls during classes (which considering all the fine arts cuts due to budget snipping sounds very impractical) or make a rule which says no students, or no young students, are to be in the hallways or restroom unattended.

The whole point, on a large scale sense, of public schooling is to train the body of a young child to sit still, wait in line, and control their bodily functions to better serve the needs of the group. They provide breaks, he should use them.

Now, if he had gone during the break and still needed to go, I’d say some concession should be made if at all legally possible. But he was provided the opportunity and didn’t take advantage of it.

And knowing that he’s shy and a good boy makes me wonder if the conversation went sort of like this:
Lil’Shibb: Excuse me, I gotagotothebathroom.
After School Program Volunteer: Didn’t you go 10 minutes ago when we had our break?
Lil’Shibb: Ummm…no…
ASPV: Why not?
Lil’Shibb: (silence)
ASPV: Lil’Shib, Why not?
Lil’Shibb: …didn’t think I had to…
ASPV: (gently) Well. you should try at least. You should have gone when we all did.
Lil’Shibb (turning away): but I really have to go. (Sits down in his seat, trying desperately to be a good boy.)

I’m not saying this was the way if went. But it does match his description of the conversation and your description of him as a child. And if this was the way it went, it’s more understandable, no?

I’m just saying I’d hate to be the mom who went in all fire and brimstone just to find out that there were reasonable…uh…reasons…why this happened. Maybe not. Maybe they are autocractic martinets who deserve 30 lashes. If so, I’ll hold the whip for you and back you 100%. I’m just encouraging you to talk to them with the intent of finding out what happened from their perspective before you decide how to react.

13

That’s probably a decent bet on how the conversation went. But after that I don’t follow you… because he was quiet and polite his request should be denied. If he had screamed, “I NEED TO GO PEE!” then they should take him seriously?

My supposition is that if he requests to go to the bathroom he should be asked, “Can you wait until later?” or “Is it serious?” Not “if he’s not obnoxious we can ignore it?”

I’m not his mom, and neither of us is going to go “fire and brimstone” on the counselors there. I’m sure they’re just following some rules to maximize the company’s profits (ie, keep down labor costs and potential lawsuits). It just strikes me as a bit paranoid and irrational. If I thought he might do it I’d tell him that next time he needs to whip it out and pee on their shoes. That’s what the Evil Conscience guy on the left should says. I’ve already told him that he really needs to try and go during the allowed timing even if he doesn’t really feel like it. I’ll probably also tell him that next time it’s an emergency he should tell them he feels sick to his stomach. That will almost certainly get him into the bathroom, even if said sotto voce.

14

Don’t necessarily shrug this off. To put it bluntly, my bladder sucks. I once had a “bathroom accident” as an adult. Whenever I go to a public place, I make it a point to find out where the bathrooms are, because chances are strong that I may need to go with little warning.

15

If I were you were, I’d be inclined to tell the child that, in such serious cases, to run to the bathroom and deal with the consequences later.

16

No, there’s a middle ground between shy and retiring and loud and obnoxious. I also have a shy, quiet son, and we have had to teach him how to be more forceful and clear in voicing his needs. What he thought was clear and reasonable wasn’t.

“I’m sorry, Ms. XYZ, but this is an emergency and I need to go to the bathroom right now.”

Polite, to the point and firm. If he says this and is still rebuffed, then I think bordelond’s suggestion is fine. But this is still predicated on his taking the opportunity to go when they have bathroom breaks together. If nothing else, I hope this incident teaches him the importance of “just trying” where your words have not.