Well I’m a rabid feminist and I took my husband’s name and kept my maiden name. The main reasons were that I wanted one family name so there wouldn’t be cumbersome last name problems for the kids (not to mention their kids). Also, my husband’s parents were not around anymore and we thought it would be nice to keep his name going in the family.
This was my decision, though. If he’d insisted on it I’m not sure we would be married now.
This reminds me of the story I heard someone tell about a friend who was named BJ Smith not short for anything --that was his real name. He got so tired of having to keep explaining it is just BJ that once when filling a credit card app he wrote B(only) J(only) Smith and soon received a card for Bonely Jonely Smith.
All of these are great suggestions. I’m not overly attached to my last name, in fact it’s kind of dorky. I’d gladly take my SO’s name if her family weren’t so psychotic…
However, I’d avoid the hyphenated route. It probably seems like a good compromise now, but how is little Bobby Smith-Jones-Goldstein-Johnson-MacIntyre gonna feel about it a couple of generations down the road?
I think the wagons are being circled (at least by Tzel and Fretful Porpentine). I may or may not catch some flak for this, so I’ll give a disclaimer:
[list=1]
[li] Yes, it’s a double standard. One of the very few I have.[/li][li] This is personal (i.e., I don’t particularly advocate this for all guys)[/li][/list=1]
My ex was very independent. I have always been attracted to smart, fun, independent women. However, I learned that too much independence can be a bad thing for a marriage. [Note the “can” vice “is”] So, I now look for independence, but not as much. She’s got to need me. And, be ::::cringe:::: happy to change her name to mine. (Yes, I know this is probably more wishful thinking than reality)
Not that any of this really matters… I haven’t had a steady relationship since my divorce (nothing to do with aforementioned attitude, believe it or not).
Ok, let the arrows fly. Me and Joe_Cool can take it. 
[sub]all this vB code is making me nauseous[/sub]
Why does everything have to be so complicated? A marriage is the union of a man and a woman to become one.
Years ago there was much less divorce and I think that is because there were a lot less feminists. What ever happened to I love you you love me, so why fight or make an issue over over something that has been a certain way forever anyway. It’s all needless change. The man is the head of the relationship.
Ooooo … I can see this one headed to the Pit in about five minutes …
Geez, I start a simple little thread about whether or not to change my name and look at what is going to happen.
“The man is the head of a relationship.”
Hmm, here’s an idea, why don’t you say something controversial and boneheaded?
Anyone in the mood for some BBQ?
No, there was less divorce years ago because it was origionally illegal, then merely extremely difficult, then terribly hard, then rather tiresome, then kinda annoying, then a waste of an afternoon when you could be at the beach. Yes, feminists had a bit of a hand in this, but so what? Their goal was to give women who have found themselves in violent and abusive relationships a chance of getting out of their situation.
And the union of a man and a women is no longer to be one, but to live as one. Small difference, but an important one. For instance, it no longer means that rape within marriage is legal.
The final part of your post reads less “I love you, you love me” and more “I own you, we do what I say”. I understand that you intend it to mean “we love each other, so it can be sorted out”, but your expectation that it will be sorted out in your direction tends to imply otherwise.
I kept my name - it’s rare and Mr Primaflora uses a name which is strongly associated with his ex-wife. Cold day in hell before I was using her name. For professional reasons, it would be difficult to change it for him. I honestly think that if someone feels strongly about sharing a name, then pick the prettiest 
My sons have my surname. The first still born kid has a hyphenated name, second kid got my husband’s surname as a middle name (but it is never used) and the third kid didn’t get it because when Mr Primaflora filled out the birth certificate, he forgot to put it in!
It went from being a huge issue where we debated for hours to a total non issue. We don’t wear wedding rings either which leads a lot of people to assume we are not married. Which makes me giggle.
As someone with an eleven-letter last name, I think I’ll decide this one strictly on the basis of length. 
If his last name has more than eleven letters, I’m keeping mine. If his has fewer letters, I’ll take it.
OTOH, there is a woman in my office who had a common, easily spelled, easily remembered six letter last name. Then she got married to a man with a twelve-letter, impossible to spell, impossible to pronounce Greek name beginning with “X”. She took his name, and was quite insistent that all of her records(and the nameplate on her door) be changed to reflect her new name.
To each her own.
Hmm, I haven’t thought about, much less discussed with her, what Anniz is going to do. I don’t know the Swedish customs, and I certainly am not going to ask her to change her name to mine. It’s her call, and Poysyn, it’s entirely yours, too.
My mother took my father’s last name when she married, and ditched her middle name for her maiden name.
When my parents divorced two years ago, she kept her married name, which is another topic entirely.
A little Swedish customs for you, Montfort.
When my parents married (in 1966) they took my father’s name, despite the fact that his was boring and common (ie Smith) and my mom’s name was unique. Her family is the only one in Sweden with this name. When I was 13, my whole family decided to change our name and take mom’s maiden name instead. Dad hadn’t wanted to change while his mother was still alive and after she died, he was happy to change.
Personally, I will not change my name. I would be thrilled if my hubby wanted my name too, but if he doesn’t, fine. OTOH, if his name is common, I want the kids to have my name. If it’s as unique and unusual as mine, I wouldn’t mind hyphenating.
In Sweden it’s getting more and more common for people to pick the prettiest or most unique name. Some couples make up a brand new name, or pick one that was in their family a while ago. My mother’s sisters’ husbands have all taken “our” family name. We’re a little matriarcal clan, and I think that’s kinda neat. I guess the women in my family are all feminists, but we’re certainly not rabid.
Well, that’s all I have to say about that. Poysyn, if you feel your name is important to you, by all means keep it, in one way or the other. I don’t really understand why the woman should have to make sacrifices that the man doesn’t have to do.
I kept mine and Mrs. Tonk kept hers. The kids got my name.
Once in a while people mistakenly refer to me as Mr. (hername) which is a little annoying though.
hmmm, difficult thread since names are made-up groups of letters that we have learned to identify ourselves with. And in these modern times when everything is up for grabs and people can basically do what they feel why not do what you feel? It seems like just another step along the famous American path of rugged individualism. Although for me personally I like the traditional. Individualism is fine but moderation is also important. One of the reasons I’d like it to be that way is it feels more like a family to be known as the Johnsons or the Johnson family.
Actually if I think about it a couple taking one name seems like the only real reason to go to all the hassle of getting married in the first place. If you want to spend the rest of your lives together then do it, who needs the government to pat you on the head and say good job? Have a real nice family gathering, express your intent to remain together for ever blah blah blah and that’s good enough for me. You could even exchange rings and vows.
I know what you’re guessing, I’m not very romantic and you’re right. I don’t believe in birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or any special days at all, they’re all the same to me. I tried to stop having birthday parties when I was six and was mostly successful, have only had family ones since then. I don’t think any SO I’ll ever have will be buy that though, call it instinct. I tried to put the final kaibash on my birthday a few years ago and my mom got sooo mad.
Anyhoo now that you know where I come from, I say go for it and change your name. You are right, you wont have the same identity because you are no longer the same person. You are who you are now plus somebody’s affirmed SO. It would be making it plain to everyone you know that you are now a member of an exclusive pair-bond. Although I don’t think you should ditch your name. My sister now has 4 names. She was really millitant about keeping her maiden name, but when she filled out her marriage certificate she changed her mind and doesn’t regret it at all. You know there’s this guy in England with 3,530 names? Wow, that’s stupid.
I’m a historian so I can’t help this but back around 1800 people began adding a 3rd, then 4th. Most of my ancestors from that period in the south had 4 names. One even had 5.
But then what do I know, a single male who’s never been in a serious relationship?
When my dad got remarried, his wife kept her maiden name. The kids just have my dad’s name. Though this may have been because of the ‘funny’ name the first one has; Timothy Isaac Mellor. We normally use his middle name though.
When Mum and Dad split up Mum changed back to her maiden name, and didn’t change it when she ‘remarried’ (they’re not techically married, but they are for all intents and purposes). As my (full) brothers and I lived with Mum half the time, there was often a lot of confusion ‘caused for the poor people who work at places like doctors’ offices because we had 3 surnames in the family.
I say there’s no particularly good reason why a woman should take her husband’s name as opposed to the other way around or not at all. I don’t hold with sticking to rather pointless traditions purely for their own sake. It’s up to those concerned in each individual case.
Ok JD (T?)
I’ll answer your questions then you can answer mine.
There have been many social and economic changes that brought this change about. One of the most influential I would imagine is the fact that women can no longer be treated as chatel. Slavery is illegal–didn’t someone tell you that?
It’s complicated because of people that share your attitude. I love my husband dearly but I am not my husband. I do not wish to be him and he does not wish to be me. When you say “become one” which “one” do you mean?
In a marriage where there is equal love and respect on both sides there isn’t a problem. When someone needs to fight and make an issue over something, it indicates an imbalance of power. Controling another is not an equal relationship. It is a master/slave relationship and one that many people rebel against. I am not referring to a normal decision-making process, I am referring to controlling behavior. There is a difference. And lastly, just because something has “been that way forever” doesn’t make it right. Most intelligent people don’t need to have this explained to them.
See above comments.
Says you. I’m sure many women disagree with that
This thread is about whether or not to change your name after marriage, which is a valid and complicated issue. It is not about whether or not a man is the boss or even whether he has a say at all in the matter of his wife’s name. That is entirely her choice. Get it?
Any of your further comments will now be tainted by the fact that I know how much you hate women who are not under your control. You may not care what I think and I am beyond caring what you think. Your comments and opinions have no relevance to my life. I’m sure many other members share the same view.
First of all I’m not even going to mention the @----s that made the anti feminist remarks pah! they aint worth dragging this to the pit. But good on you girls that had the patience to do so!
Poysyn think carefully about your decision. When I got married I didnt even think about keeping my own name, it just never occured to me, but now I regret it because I feel it took a small part of my identity away. He would understand if I wanted to revert to my maiden name, but we’ve been married 11 years and it seems kind of pointless now, so if you feel uncomfortable losing your maiden name stick with it, and dont worry about the hyphenating, there’s no reason why you shouldent keep your own name.
Unless I’m mistaken, JerseyDiamond is a woman.
In other news, Like I said in my post earlier, what you do with your last names is your own business, and none of mine. I offered up my opinion, since opinions were solicited.
It’s your prerogative to keep your own last name if that’s what you want. But it’s also MY prerogative to choose not to marry a woman who wouldn’t take mine. Lucky for all of us, none of the torch- and pitchfork-bearers circling up the wagons (HA HA!) are in any danger of ever becoming my wife.
Find a sensitive new age guy and relax.
Intellectual repression, anyone? Sheesh, have a difference of opinion with the masses, and they foam at the mouth.
If you want to hear an echo of what you think, then don’t ask for opinions. Just shout your own towards a brick wall. It’s much easier.
Well it would appear Jersey Diamond is a woman. That does change my point of view of this person but not my opinion on her comments. I still meant everything I said. My point being it is the woman’s decision whether she will or will not change her name.
Coming from a man those comments are misogynistic, coming from a woman they smack of subservience. Either way it is a point of view that I do not choose to share.
I’m not even going to respond to the sparing that has gone before & just give you another option that a friend of mine chose.
She kept her name, he kept his name. When they had a child they used her last name as the middle name & his as the surname.
What ever the two of you decide, congrats.