There was once a song that I thought appropriate. It’s pretty much my answer anytime anyone asks what I want.
My great-uncle, who is currently in his upper 80s, and whom I just discovered is an atheist, recently told me that if anyone wants to stand up and say a few words, he’d be glad for that. But, he wants no ceremony, no religious figure.
We all would like to think that we would be missed - and a party or ceremony are ways that society remembers a person.
My grandfather (other side) was a minister and remarked that we are celebrated three times in life - 1) when you are born 2) when you marry and 3) when you die. And, he pointed out, only one of those three is voluntary.
I’m a Pink Floyd fan. I’ve often told my daughter, “One day, young one, you will own one of the world’s greatest Pink Floyd collections.” “Dad”, she’ll always reply, “Just so you know… I’m selling all of this crap.”
So, if you have a chance, you might want to attend my funeral. I suspect there will be door prizes.
I had an nonreligious funeral planned for my son and it was going really well until my uber religious mother decided that there had to be a lecture on the Mormon view of the here-after in order for it to be complete.
I had already rejected her request that the funeral be conducted by the leader of the local Mormon congregation, someone I had never met and had absolutely no connection to.
Mormons feel that funerals need to be a sermon on Mormonism with the guest of honor secondary in importance.
We said a few things, and everyone was going well until my mother couldn’t suppress her years of customs and had to impose her desires us.
Thank you. I was slow on the uptake and didn’t get it until your post.
I hate funerals of any kind. But that is just probably my social anxiety.
As a standard agnostic, I couldn’t care less if my body was dumped in a trash can and recycled (being registered organ donor). Not gonna leave even a will. If my relatives can’t figure how to peacefully split my meager stuff, they don’t deserve it in any way.
You couldn’t be further from the truth on this. As a funeral director I have directed many atheist and non-denominational funerals and they are as meaningful as any religious or faith based service.
Poems are read, moments of silence observed. Memories are shared, video tributes shown. Favorite songs are read. Bread is broken afterwards with everyone in attendance. I have seen solemn gatherings as well as loud and boisterious gatherings.
Everyone mourns and deals with death in their own way- religious or otherwise.
My parents were atheist. They died about 10 years apart. For each we cremated them and spread their ashes in places they loved. We then held a celebration of their life at the curling club where they were members. Lots of good food and snacks, with bar service. We didn’t cover the booze.
It was great, on both occasions, to see many of their friends, neighbours, ex-neighbours, ex-colleagues, etc.
I have told my kids that what I want: no funeral, no mourning. Just rent a hall and have a party.
Yes, the Catholic funeral Mass is all about hope for the deceased in the afterlife, commending our brother or sister to God. The coffin is draped in a white cloth to tie back to the white garment at baptism. Fire and brimstone rarely comes up on a regular day, let alone at a funeral.
I have attended several wakes of atheists and for the most part didn’t notice any difference, there was nothing declared about atheism officially. Last year I went to a guy named Bills service. His daughter advised the crowd that even though Bill was not a believer he didn’t really give a shit what they did after he was dead so they said a prayer for him anyway.
I was once looking at a (rather concise) history of my family’s old church and noticed that there was a pastor there named R.L. Hamby (my great-grandfather’s initials and last name) at around the time that my grand and great-grand family would have moved into the community. I didn’t remember hearing of my great-grandfather having ever been a preacher, but then again, he had had lots of jobs (share-cropper, mill worker, well and grave digger) and it wouldn’t have totally surprised me. So I asked my last remaining great aunt about it, and she told me that it wasn’t my great-grandfather, that that pastor was gone before the family moved into the community, and that the congregation had hated the pastor. She told me that there was a story how that pastor had once given a funeral where he spent his time talking about how the deceased was burning in hell, and how that was a lesson for others to turn before they burn. Leaving the funeral, one of the mourners kicked the pastor down a flight of stairs.
I’m not about to tell anyone how they should or should not conduct a funeral, and I understand the whole “Hey, just celebrate my life with an awesome party!” idea, but - and I realize MMV - it just slightly rubs me the wrong way. Perhaps because it seems to devalue grief; the subtext of such a party seems to be, “Weeping and sorrowing are just going to bring the room down. Don’t be a buzzkill.” Grieving the loss of a loved person is appropriate, natural and healthy. Especially for us atheists, who don’t share the notion that we’ll ever meet again in some better place.
My grandmother died of senile dementia at the age of 86. Her death was by no means a tragedy – she’d lost the ability to recognize her children and grandchildren – but her funeral was still a somber, quiet experience, with friends and family sharing memories of her. We weren’t devastated, but we were still sad. Later we all got together to tell stories and share a meal. There were smiles, but there were also tears; both were appropriate.
Again, I am by no means saying that your kids shouldn’t throw a party to celebrate your life, if that’s what you’d (and they – as pointed out already in this thread, funerals are for the living) would like. That would be presumptuous.
I am saying that grief and sorrow are not evils to be avoided at any cost.
Most of the “memorials” I’ve attended through my couple of decades of UU church membership (past) did not have the body present. They varied from the more formal, with speeches by ministers, friends, and family, to essentially parties to celebrate the dead person’s life. Far different from my RC upbringing, where there was a lengthy wake with the dead body, followed by a ceremony attempting to pray the deceased into heaven.
The most offensive instance I encountered was when my best buddy died. He was as atheistic and profane as anyone I ever knew. His wife was too upset to make the arrangements, so they left it up to the brother who arranged some formal Ukrainian Orthodox ceremony. As I recall, the portions that were in English focussed on how worthless my friend’s wife was now that “the head of the body” was gone. Just so unnecessarily offensive.
My wife and I both to have parties after we pass, with good friends, food, family, drink, and music. Probably in a hall, so no one has to prepare/clean their homes. I plan on kicking back on the body farm, so I won’t be there. I play a lot of bluegrass music, so I hope my friends show up and play every bawdy/drinking/murder song they can think of.
Oh yeah - and to borrow a joke about the Irish:
What’s the difference between an atheist funeral and an atheist wedding?
I didn’t have any grief when my parents died. I loved them dearly, but they had an OK run for the money, and both were diagnosed with terminal cancer and spent their last week or two in palliative care, so it wasn’t a shocker.
The celebration is exactly what was needed.
