What should an atheist do at a funeral?

Great Debates
1

I have been an atheist for several years now, and until recently I have not had the need to go to a funeral. The funeral I went to a few months ago was a full church do and I felt that I could not participate in the prayers or the singing of hymns. Fortunately I didn’t really know the deceased and I stood at the back where nobody would pay any attention to my non-involvement. However, a dear family friend has just died and I don’t know how to play it. So, when it comes to praying and singing, should I:

  1. Keep silent
  2. Mime
  3. Join in fully
  4. Not go at all
  5. Well, I don’t know; are there any other options?

Number 4 isn’t really an option, number 3 would be somewhat hypocritical and provoke a state of extreme awkwardness, number 2 is deceitful and number 1 would appear to others to be disrespectful.

Any thoughts?

As you can see I’m a newbie here, although I’ve been lurking for a long time. Please be gentle with me.

2

Being atheist myself, and having attended far too many religious events for my liking, my advice to you is to stay silent. You’re attending the funeral (I’m guessing) to pay your last respects to a someone you cared for, and your presence there should count as enough for those who matter to you. As for the rest, it shouldn’t bother you what they presume.

And welcome to the boards!!

Also, unless you’re looking for a debate, this probably belongs in IMHO.

3
  1. Respect others that are grieving.
  2. Show that you respect the deceased.

To me, that would mean being quiet and subtle. For you, maybe a slightly different choice. The thing to remember is to be sincere, respectful, and mindful of the needs of others.

I have attended too many funerals. I hate drama. But, it isn’t about what I want or like. I just ponder what that person meant to me and have my own little private ceremony inwardly, regardless of what may be happening out there.

4

My opinion:

Go, and say goodbye, and go with a spirit of sympathy with all the Christians who are there to do the same and finding comfort in the thing that gives them comfort- don’t let your discomfort with the religious expressions detract from your grief and your sympathy.

Stand and sit when the rest do, but remain politely quiet when they sing. When they pray, bow your head and meditate on your best memories, or just stand quietly.

Probably, no one will even notice unless they know you’re an atheist and are curious what you will do. None of those would find any fault in respectfully not participating without making a fuss about it.

You’ll be showing respect for their traditions without participating in them, and if you don’t make a big deal about it (“Hey, I’m an atheist, and I feel really awkward and strange in this here church!”), then it won’t be a big deal.

5

The main thing to use in guiding behavior at any funeral is:

Funerals are for the living. The dead won’t get any messages.

Be as supportive and sympathetic to/with the survivors as you can honestly be. Help them to recall good or memorable things about the deceased. Don’t hesitate to find humor and amusing things that the deceased was known for. Indicate a willingness (if it really exists) to assist in the grieving process.

Those gestures are significant. The formalities of services are not.

If the actual service makes you uncomfortable or “on display” just don’t go. Attend the wake or the viewing or maybe even the graveside (there will likely be prayers and such there, too), but it ought to be a place and time where the survivors are at ease to talk and listen to your input.

This is from my own experience and not from any guidebook.

YMMV

6

I agree with Zeldar’s comment: funerals are for the people left behind - do what will make them happy.

I have had this dilemma, and then it occurred to me: if I’m an atheist, why should I worry about going through the motions of praying, etc. if my visible non-participation would upset the bereaved. Therefore I recommend: just say the prayers, sing the hymns, etc. Not saying them indicates that you think they have some occult sort of significance, which, of course, they don’t.

7

I have been a nonbeliever since I was 17.

Going to a funeral is not the same as being invited to a party. In most cases you actually have to invite yourself.

I admit that I have found attending funerals to be a disturbing experience. I have, over many years, attended many and they covered a wide range of religions. However, I do make an effort to observe most of the rituals. Not because I believe in them, but because it’s “The Law”. The unwritten law, that is.

This applies to funeral services run by a denomination that you might not have been raised in.

I believe that no matter what your beliefs you should participate, to an appropriate extent, in all of the rituals and procedures. This may even involve donning, for example, a yamulke (for males) to enter a synagogue. I do not believe you can ever be considered to be a hypocrite for doing so. It is simply complying with “The Law” (see para 3 above).

8

As a fellow atheist…
IMHO:
Explain to those closest to the deceased that you are not religious.

Stand up and sit down when everyone else does.

During prayers and hymns no one will notice that you’re not singing/praying; use this time to think your own thoughts about your friend.

9

It’s been my experience that as long as I am quiet and respectful no one really cares or even notices that I am not singing or praying. I sit in the back. I stand when others do. I remain quiet during the songs and I bow my head in private contemplation during prayer. This works at weddings as well.

A more awkward experience for me is what to do as a dinner guest if asked to say grace. If anyone has an answer to that one I’d be interested in hearing it.

10

I don’t see any reason for an atheist to participate in religious rituals. Yes, obviously if you’re an atheist you don’t believe that declaring your devotion to God actually binds you to devote yourself to God, but why should you say something you don’t believe? My understanding is that a yamulke is to remind people that they are under God’s authority. Well, I don’t believe that I am under God’s authority. What should I make a public declaration contrary my actual beliefs? Would a Jew be expected to wear a cruxific in a Catholic Church?

11

My father recently passed away which put me smack in the middle of everything that had to be done.

His side of the family is EXTREMELY religious. I, on the other hand, am agnostic, and I found myself in rather the same predicament as you.

On the one hand I needed to be supportive of my family, on the other hand, I knew it would likely get awkward at times. There was just no avoiding that.

So I consulted with my mom and she agreed on what I thought I would do.

What I decided was to remain silent when praying or some other religious rite was being performed. When people stood, I stood, when people knelt, I sat and bowed my head. Gave me some time to think about things. As you can probably imagine, there were a lot of things for me to think about at the time.

I chose NOT to participate in the prayers and rites however. In my mind this is an offensive thing to do. It would be incencere of me to do so in light of my own beleifs, and I would feel as though I were mocking the religion my father and his family held in such high regard, and I just couldn’t do that.

I thought some might think it strange of me, I thought it would be a big deal. But it wasn’t. No one seemed bothered by it at all, and we were all able to continue with our grivieng process.
So my suggestion to you: Show your respect to the departed and his family by NOT mocking theior beliefs or being incencere. Instead use the time to reflect back on your experiences with your friend and helping the family cope by saying helpful things to them.

12

I attended my sister’s funeral just over a month ago. It was not an especially religious ceremony, and I tolerated the one of two references to god because my parents are lightly Christian. As an agnostic/atheist (depends on my mood), I don’t feel particularly odd when references to god and whatnot occur, as I don’t believe it.

As for hymns and whatnot, it’s up to you - although I would probably leave protesting god to somewhere a bit more appropriate. Afterall, if you don’t believe it, it doesn’t mean anything, and I think, would cause more damage than good to offend people at that time and place.

13

I’m an atheist but I’m not a militant atheist so I don’t understand what’s so difficult about this situation. When it comes to praying you bow your head until everyone says Amen and when it comes to singing you just stand along with everyone else. Basically you should participate at least a little in any part of the ritual that requires group participation.

The last religious funeral I attended was a Catholic one. I didn’t know any of the prayers or the songs but I bowed my head, knelt, and stood when it was required. I even walked up to the alter to received my non-Catholic blessing when the time came.

I suppose I could have been the militant atheist and refused to take part in the ceremony while I was there or skipped it altogther. Of course I might have drawn the wrath of those I cared about, and who needs that?

Marc

14

I think people are making a grevious error in judgement when it comes to some things.

I would say standing and bowing of the head is appropriate. But taking part in ritual matters you do not understand or believe in is something terrible.

Sure it saves face at the moment, but what happens when people learn that you are not religious and were taking part in practices you have no buisness taking part in?

I think that would be far worse an offense than anythign else you could do.

One poster abovbe mentioned going up to an altar for a blessing… was that just a blessing, or did you partake of the wine and ‘bread’?

This is a very holy ritual for catholics which you can only partake of after meeting certain requirements.

Frnakly, if anyone really gets upset at you for your beleifs (or lack there of) they have problems.

I’m certain a jewish person would not be expected to participate, why should you?

Stand up, bow your head, reflect on things that were, leave it at that. I certainly would not call that being a ‘militant agnostic’.

15

As I said in the above, I took part in the blessing that was for non-catholics. I didn’t get a drink or a snack like everyone else.

Marc

16

Ahh ok :wink:

17

I’m an atheist and this is what I feel. First off, DO go to the funeral. while there are various religous trappings to most funerals, that doesn’t trump the real reason for them. Their purpose is to celebrate the life of the deceased and comfort the deceased’s loved ones(or be comforted, depending on the situation). The second part is tricker WRT prayers and the like. Personally, I take part in these portions even though I don’t believe. There is a time and a place to make a stand when it comes to this sort of thing, and it isn’t at a funeral. I don’t see any harm in miming the words if you are really opposed to taking part. My personal view, though, is that they’re just words. It doesn’t hurt me to say them, and sitting out entirely could cause a distraction from the much more important role of dealing with death.

18

My take on it is that since I don’t share the beliefs of whatever religion it is, it can’t hurt me to go along with the ceremony. I really don’t see it as being hypocritical; I just see it as being respectful. It’s not like I have anything to prove by being an atheist. While I would stop short of taking communion, as a couple others said, I don’t see any harm in standing and sitting when everyone else does, bowing one’s head during prayers, etc. I have never in my life had an experience where anyone was offended that I took part in the ceremony even though I am an atheist. If anything, people tend to be pleased by it. And since I like to sing anyway, I occasionally even join in on the hymns. But I certainly don’t think you would have to sing the hymns if you don’t want to. I’ve honestly never seen anyone get dirty looks for not singing, nor for not saying the prayers aloud.

Unless the deceased didn’t have any friends outside of his/her religion (which I think would be rather unusual), they’re obviously going to expect that not everyone there is going to be a member of that particular church.

19

The reality is, it’s hard, and it doesn’t get easier. Ignore the religious angle for a second, and think of it simply from the perspective of a social interaction. There is a large body of people who have developed a tradition based around certain elements of what they, in most cases innocently, assumed were universal elements for everyone. You are supposed to be part of this community, but at the same time, lack something crucial to how they’ve designed it that excludes you, often on a very profound level. What to do? Have everyone give up this long standing tradition that gives them meaning so that they can be more all-inclusive, and save the religious stuff for those who want it at some other time? Or you just learn not to rock the boat? No matter what, it’s not going to be a perfect situation, and that’s just how it is.

Generally, I have no problem with religious funerals or whatnot. Even if they aren’t to my liking in a particular case, what you have to realize is that this one event is not the only time for communal grieving or rememberance of a person. Any time can be that: at any time at all you can organize your own way of remembering and so on. A religious funeral in no way precludes other things, though generally the religious funeral does monopolize things like the body, the burial, and generally the logistics. But still, no one is hurting you by holding a religious ceremony.

However, I should recall one particular instance when:

a) the friend was not particularly religious at all, but the ceremony was religious (primarily because of her parents, and yes, funerals are really for the living, not the dead)
b) the pastor had 0 idea who she was, and it seemed that his sole purpose was simply to do apologetics for the Christian ideology in the face of a sad event (an early death from a pointlessly cruel disease).

He wasn’t some fire and brimstone guy, some evangelist, he was very well meaning and obviously what he said had great meaning to him. It was simply the fact that, geez, is the point of all this to remember the person, or is it to make sure everyone’s beliefs are maintained in the proper Christian configuration? I mean, what does it matter what someone believes about this event as long as they find some comfort and understanding? It just seemed so odd and misplaced. It wasn’t offensive, it was just… it gave me the distinct feeling of being an alien who had just landed from outer space and was totally confused as to what these strange Earth-people were up to.

That’s life sometimes.

I agree with mostly everyone else: obviously you shouldn’t (and rarely are expected to) participate in holy rituals that do not fit your belief systems, but there’s no reason why you can’t take part in the ceremonial group activities like standing/sitting/being silent, etc.

The real gray area are the hymns. Do you sing about how much you love the lord or not? Normally, I just try to hum counterpoint. :slight_smile:

20

Drive a wooden stake through the deceased’s heart just to be sure. :wink: