My favorite comedy film of all time, A Fish Called Wanda.
“Asshooooole!”
“By the way, our hairpiece secret is off!”
“You using the whole fist, Doc?”
“Can I get you something?”
“Yeah, do you have the Beatles’ White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you’re out there.”
“Oh, you’ve remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.”
Let me know when you will be on Salt Lake… 
(A Fish Called Wanda is also one of my favorites----Michael Palin was perfect)
“Shitter’s full!”
–Randy Quaid, Christmas Vacation
“The night was sultry.”
–Throw Momma From The Train
“Lee Harvey, you’re a madman. Remember that time when you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow? I wanna party with you cowboy” 
John Winger—Stripes
“Ted, what is it?”
“Our new orders came in. We’re bombing the storage Depos at Daquiri at 0600 tomorrow morning. We’re flying in low from the North, below their radar.”
“When will you be back?”
“I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.”
“Let us hope, for your sake, that the Sergeant survives.”
::phone rings::
“Hello - what is the condition of Sergeant Kruger? Uh huh…I see…well, let me know if there’s any change in his condition.”
::hangs up::
“He’s dead.”
From the 40-year-old virgin:
“You look like a man-o’lantern.”
And of course this classic line:
“You know how I know you’re gay? You sucked my dick.”
“You know how I know you’re gay? Your dick tastes like ass.”
Dumb and Dumber:
Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd: I’ll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: Oh, I don’t know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
Lloyd: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly woman: Change? No I’m sorry, I don’t.
Lloyd: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly woman: Of course.
Lloyd: Thanks. Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I’ll be right back. Don’t you go dying on me!
Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I’d do anything to bone her.
Harry: That’s a special feeling, Lloyd.
History Of The World Part I:
Jacques: Don’t cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Jacques: None!
Citizen Official: Have you any last request?
Jacques: None!
Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques: Holy shit! Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
Citizen Official: What is your last request?
Jacques: Novocaine!
[the Official confers with the Executioner]
Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques: I’ll wait!
Blazing Saddles:
[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That’s not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.
Taggart: I got it! I got it!
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We’ll work up a Number 6 on ‘em.
Hedley Lamarr: [frowns] “Number 6”? I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that one.
Taggart: Well, that’s where we go a-ridin’ into town, a-whompin’ and a-whumpin’ every livin’ thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!
“Where are your hands?”
“Between two pillows. Why”
“Those aren’t pillows”
-Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
From National Lampoon’s Vacation:
Clark: I think he’ll understand when he sees the note we left him.
Ellen: Oh sure Clark. You left his dead mother on the patio. I’m sure he won’t mind.
Gilda, 1946**Johnny Farrell: **Pardon me, but your husband is showing.
Johnny Farrell: Statistics show that there are more women in the world than anything else. Except insects.
Gilda: If I’d been a ranch, they would’ve named me “The Bar None.”
Real Life, 1979
Albert Brooks: Our research was so thorough the computers actually coughed up two perfect families. If I were a liar, I could tell you that we chose one over the other for complicated psychological reasons. But I’m a comedian, not a liar. I can afford the luxury of honesty. The Feltons lived in Wisconsin; the Yeagers lived in Arizona. YOU spend the winter in Wisconsin.
All About Eve, 1950
Margo Channing: Bill’s thirty-two. He looks thirty-two. He looked it five years ago, he’ll look it twenty years from now. I hate men.
Margo Channing: I’d like to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
Ruggles of Red Gap, 1935
Earl of Burnstead: I say, do you believe in love at first sight?
Nell Kenner: No. Do you?
**Earl of Burnstead: **No. That’s why I’d like to stay for a while, if I may.
The Thin Man, 1934
Nora Charles: I read where you were shot 5 times in the tabloids.
***Nick Charles: ***It’s not true. He didn’t come anywhere near my tabloids.
Nora Charles:*** How many drinks have you had?
Nick Charles: This will make six Martinis.
***Nora Charles: ***[to the waiter] All right. Will you bring me five more Martinis, Leo? Line them right up here.
Carlos: What? Where they psychos?
Seth: Do they look like psychos? Is that what they look like? They were vampires! Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are!
From Dusk Till Dawn
"We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!"–Withnail and I
AUSTIN POWERS: Basil! Vanessa! She was a Fembot!
BASIL EXPOSITION: What? Oh, yes . . . We knew all along.
OTTO: Ape?! Apes don’t read philosophy!
WANDA: Yes, they do! They just don’t understand it! Now let me correct you on a couple of things, okay? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not, ‘Every man for himself.’ And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are mistakes; I looked them up.
“Tell these pigs to fuck off!”
“Fuck off, pigs.”
A Fish Called Wanda
Casey: “Okay, but I’ll have you know that I play squash three times a week, and my calves have been called ‘shapely’.”
Dan: “Casey, who called your calves ‘shapely’?”
Casey: “My mom.”
Dan: “Okay. Don’t talk to me for the rest of the show.”
Sports Night
Finally, (and I can’t believe it’s taken 35 posts to get to this one) “I’ll be in my bunk.”
COP: This might be the stupidest person in the world. Perhaps we should shoot him.
– Ruthless People
From one of the Austin Powers movies:
Austin is sitting in a hot tub with a beautiful woman when he let’s out a little fart:
Woman: How dare you fart before me!
Austin: Sorry, darling, I didn’t realize it was your turn.
Austin approaches smokin’ hot Heather Graham in a night club:
Austin: Those pants are skin tight! How do you get into those pants?
Heather: You can start by buying me a drink…
And this classic from Dr. Evil:
“The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.”
Ok, one more, from “Tommy Boy”:
Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy: You know, a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard: I know, they’re called doctors.