“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!”
“The Germans?”
“Forget it; he’s rolling.”
from Animal House
You had me at “dicks fuck assholes”.
From “The man who came to dinner”
My great aunt Jennifer ate a whole box of candy every day of her life. She lived to be 102, and when she had been dead three days, she looked better than you do now.
Go in and read the life of Florence Nightingale and learn how unfitted you are for your chosen profession.
Will you take your clammy hand off my chair? You have the touch of a love-starved cobra.
Nurse Preen: Mr. Whiteside, I can only be in one place at a time.
Sheridan Whiteside: That’s very fortunate for this community.
“You heard me. Fuck. Off.”
“I hate the way she, she… licks stamps!”
“Oh, you were finished. Well allow me to retort.”
Pulp Fiction, the great American comedy
“I don’t tip.”
Mr. Pink, Reservoir Dogs
“Oh man, I shot Marvin in the face.”
“Get that corn out of my face!”
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
JD: You mean like a tall man?
Saving Silverman
From a great movie of the ‘60s’, a horror spoof starring Karloff, Lorre, and Rathbone, “Comedy of Terrors” wherein Rathbone, a 18th Century character, is plagued by narcolepsy and keeps waking up in a coffin after being presumed dead again and again. He intones in that deep, rich, rolling voice of his a wondering and slowly cadenced, “What dark place is this?!”
Not really funny, even in context, but both of these, from Mallrats, somehow crack me up every time:
“You tell him, Steve-Dave!”
and
“Damn. That guy runs faster than Walt Flannigan’s dog.”
From an incredibily unsung movie (Jim Belushi is actually really funny in it):
Bob: I didn’t know you smoked.
Nick: Just after sex, Bob. I’m trying to give it up.
Bob: Well, at least you don’t smoke that much.
Nick: About a pack a day.
Bob: That’ll kill ya!
Nick: Bob, it won’t kill ya. But it will make you very sore.
- Real Men
MILES: In six months, we’ll be stealing Erno’s nose!
– Sleeper
From Animal House. After ruining Faber’s homecoming parade, the Delta guys are about to crash a car into bleachers where the Dean and the mayor and their families are sitting.
Dean Vernon Wormer: “I hate those guys.”
“Lighten up, Francis.”
Warren: Why don’t you go shove 'em up your ass?
Lucas: …Because it would hurt a lot, Warren.
Warren: Stop calling me Warren! My name isn’t FUCKING WARREN!
Eddie: His name isn’t Warren.
Corey: His name isn’t Warren.
Berko: His name isn’t Warren.
Mark: I thought his name was Warren?
Gina: Attention Rex Manning fans, to your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by night manager, Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first hundred customers. Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records.
Gina: Oh now, Debra, don’t be bitter, surely with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new neo-nazi boot camp makeover the boys will come a-runnin’.
A.J.: What’s with you? Yesterday you were normal and today you’re like the Chinese guy from the Karate Kid. What’s with you today?
Lucas: What’s with today today?
Empire Records
yes - I quote these a lot - or key parts of them.
Which reminds me …
Warren: Who glued these quarters down?
A.J.: I did.
Warren: What the hell for, man?
A.J.: I don’t feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.
“Wha…t does the yellllllllllllow light meannnnnnnnnnnnnnn?” ~ Reverend Jim Ignatowski on Taxi.
“Thanks, Mr. Martin.”
“Please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.”
“Thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.”