What are some of your favorite quotes from comedies?

Cafe Society
61

“Now Bobby you’re gonna hear some high end shit. And A, I hope you can understand it, and B, I hope you keep it between this room and Junior. Because if you don’t, I promise you, they’re gonna find pieces of you in eight different dumpsters.”
“I inherited Junior. I don’t think you got reason to talk to me this way. I always liked you.”
“Bullshit. But we’ll assume you do now.”

and

“To the victor, belongs the spoils.”
“Why don’t you get the fuck outta here before I shove your quotations book up your fat fuckin’ ass!”

and of course

“I think it’s time for you to start to seriously consider salads.”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean? I mean get off my car before you flip it over, you fat fuck.”

62

“Don’t disrespect the pizza parlor!”

63

Blackadder: I’ve no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes’ work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on…

64

The Jerk

He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.

Lord loves a workin’ man; don’t trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.

I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

And that’s it and that’s the only thing I need, is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need too. I don’t need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that’s all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

65

“Well, I guess when it starts pissin’ rain in here, you know who to blame, huh? Now, I know word’s circulatin’ Indians killed a family on the Spearfish Road. Now it’s not for me to tell anyone in this camp what to do, as much as I don’t want more people gettin’ their throats cut, scalps lifted or any other godless thing that these godless bloodthirsty heathens do. Or even if someone wants to ride out in darkest night. But I will tell you this. I’d use tonight to get myself organized. Ride out in the morning clear-headed. And startin’ tomorrow morning, I will offer a personal $50 bounty for every decapitated head of as many of these godless heathen cocksuckers as anyone can bring in. Tomorrow. With no upper limit! That’s all I say on that subject, 'cept next round’s on the house. And God rest the souls of that poor family. (Beat) And pussy’s half price next fifteen minutes!”

66

From ‘Harry and the Hendersons’, when the dad has just explained to the little boy that Harry needs to live wild, basically if-you-love-something-set-it-free. Little boy looks at Bob, the family dog and says in a watery voice:

“Run, Little Bob, run wild and be free!”

And opens the front door. Little Bob runs out and right around the house to the back door.

I often call this out as I am opening the back door to let my own dogs out to potty. :smiley:

67

“Pretty please… with sugar on top. Clean the fucking car.” - The Wolf in Pulp Fiction

Tony Soprano is on the phone with Paulie Walnuts:

Tony: The guy you’re looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed! He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy’s like a Russian green beret.

Paulie (to Christopher): You’re not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator.

Christopher Moltisanti: His house looked like shit.

68

A couple of classics from my generation:

“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”

WKRP In Cinncinnati

“My brother and I always said it would be heaven to drown in beer. Now he’s not here, and I’ve got two soakers. This isn’t heaven, this sucks!”

“One day, as I was looking for a place to build a city for my descendants, I spotted an illegal fleshy-headed mutant in the Forbidden Zone. I decided to land and pursue this genetic freak. I was kinda a one-man team, like Charles Bronson in Delta Force. Didja see it? It was beauty”…

…“Hey, fleshy-headed mutant! Are you friendly?”

“No way, eh? Radiation has made me an enemy of civilization.”

Strange Brew

69

Badges?..Badges!?..we don’t need no steenking badges!

70

CONCIERGE: Goodness, what diamonds!

MAE WEST: Goodness had nothing to do with it, honey!

INDIAN: This game of chance?

W.C. FIELDS: Not the way I play it.

71

Perry: Look up “idiot” in a dictionary. You know what you’ll find?
Harry: A picture of me?
Perry: No! A definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!

Harmony: How did you get away?
Perry: I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls.

Harry: You should go for it. I’ve got twenty bucks that says you could still have him."
Perry: Yeah, and I’ve got a five that says ‘pass the salt’, and two quarters harmonizing on Moonlight in Vermont.
Harry: Huh?
Perry: Talking money.
Harry: A talking monkey?
Perry: Oh, yeah, yeah, talking monkey. Came here from the future. Ugly bastard, only says “ficus”.

-Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

72

Some of my favorite lines are ENTIRELY in the delivery…like on that Rowan Atkinson bit…“If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap (and I think they can) then Stu is the biggest weed growing out of it.” The pause and the look, with raised eyebrow, between “heap” and “and”. Every time I remember it, I laugh, and I haven’t seen that routine in years and years.

73

Becky: No one could eat this crud.
Dan: Hey, if you don’t finish your crud, you’re not gonna get any crap for dessert.

Darlene: [to Roseanne re Beverly] You told me David and Becky were going to be here. I didn’t realize I would be spending the afternoon baking with Drunken Hines.

Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room cause it’s the only one with a lock on it, and he’s in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he’s either really, really good at it, or really, really bad at it!
Roseanne: Well I don’t want you to give him any grief about this ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well don’t worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?

(meant to stop but just remembered this one)

Dan: [to D.J.] Eating cardboard can ruin your life. You could end up in the street living in a box. Then you’ll eat the box, and you’ll be homeless.

74

“You can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”

“We did not start it!”
“Yes you did! You invaded Poland!”

75

Jack Black in “Shallow Hal”, putting his finger to the lips of a clearly unimpressed hot chick he’s trying to pick up in a bar:

“Shhhhhhhh… You had me at ‘get lost’.”

76

No,no, I’m The Dude.

You know…for kids!

77

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Put the candle back!
Inga: Put ze candle beck!

later:
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: SEDA-GIVE?!!

78

This? Priceless! Quintessential Sopranos lines. (That ep is truly, truly one of the great ones of all time. Pine Barrens, I believe it’s called.)

79

The old British series “Yes, Minister” is filled with funny dialogues, monologues and one-liners …

“Politicians must be allowed to panic. They need activity. It is their substitute for achievement.”
(Economy Drive)

“The surprising thing about academics is not that they have their price, but how low that price is.”
(Doing the Honours)

"How to discredit an unwelcome report:

Stage One: Refuse to publish in the public interest saying

  1. There are security considerations.
  2. The findings could be misinterpreted.
  3. You are waiting for the results of a wider and more detailed report which is still in preparation. (If there isn’t one, commission it; this gives you even more time).

Stage Two: Discredit the evidence you are not publishing, saying

  1. It leaves important questions unanswered.
  2. Much of the evidence is inconclusive.
  3. The figures are open to other interpretations.
  4. Certain findings are contradictory.
  5. Some of the main conclusions have been questioned. (If they haven’t, question them yourself; then they have).

*Stage Three: Undermine the recommendations. Suggested phrases: *

  1. ‘Not really a basis for long term decisions’.
  2. ‘Not sufficient information on which to base a valid assessment’.
  3. ‘No reason for any fundamental rethink of existing policy’.
  4. ‘Broadly speaking, it endorses current practice’.

Stage Four: Discredit the person who produced the report. Explain (off the record) that

  1. He is harbouring a grudge against the Department.
  2. He is a publicity seeker.
  3. He is trying to get a Knighthood/Chair/Vice Chancellorship.
  4. He used to be a consultant to a multinational.
  5. He wants to be a consultant to a multinational."

(The Greasy Pole)

… and so is the original “Coupling”:

Jeff: “I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains, obviously… I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere… I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.”
(The Girl With Two Breasts)

Steve: “Let me explain, Patrick. Here on earth there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them, that we like to call conversation.”
(The Man With Two Legs)

Jane: “I went on a course. Learning to love yourself. I came top.”
(The Cupboard of Patrick’s Love)

Patrick: “A relationship is a loving bond between two people, and a threesome can take the edge off that.” (Jane and the Truth Snake)

80

“Blucher!”