“My name is derr Robert Hartley. Dee, are, Period. Derr.” - The Bob Newhart Show Thanksgiving episode.
“No!”
Marcel Marceau, Silent Movie.
Everytime I see this movie is cracks me up.
Arthur: Do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to take a bath.
Hobson: I’ll alert the media.
Arthur: Do you want to run my bath for me?
Hobson: It’s what I live for.
[Arthur exits]
Hobson: Perhaps you would like me to wash your dick for you… you little shit.
Susan: Arthur, take my hand.
Arthur: But that would only leave you with one!
Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.
Arthur: It’d have to be a real BIG woman
I saw an interview with Mel Brooks once, and it was about the movie Blazing Saddles. He had just submitted the movie to the MPAA (or whichever agency does the ratings) and he had laid out all these arguements about why he needed to use certain words and this or that scene and which ones he was going to fight for and which he would be willing to cut or alter and how much. But to his surprise, when he got to the meeting, they said they loved it and only wanted to cut one part. He was so shocked that he immediately said yes, but regrets it to this day. The interviewer asked what was the scene.
It’s the one where Clevon Little has just seen Lily Von Stupt’s show and is sitting in the back room with her. Madeline Khan asks Little “Is it true what they say about black men?” The lights turn off and you hear Madeline Khan gasping aloud “IT’S TWOO! IT’S TWOO!”(It’s True! It’s True) Little was then supposed to say deadpan “Lady, let go of my knee.”
I always chuckle thinking about that.
Also, the classic:
‘UTTIN’ ON THE 'IIIIITZ.
I’ve got to get that on a t-shirt!
That too.
Some television western–
“Shooting people in the back won’t do much for your reputation.”
“That IS my reputation.”
Harvey ‘Blind’ Pew: I may be blind, but I have acute 'earing.
Commander Clement: I’m not interested in your jewellery, clotheyes.
“With your head on my shoulders we could wreck civilization!”
“The fat one on the throne is the queen. She’s not very well today, so I should kneel upwind of her.”
All from Yellowbeard.
“Diabetes! I shoulda known better than to hire anyone with a disease!” Cary Grant in His Girl Friday.
“If it bends, it’s funny. If it breaks, it isn’t.”
and
“I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it.”
and
“It’s probably just as well. I plagiarized most of it from James Joyce. You probably wondered why all the references to Dublin.”
“Does the codename ‘Sapphire’ mean anything to you?”
“We missed him. We get most of 'em.”
“This crowd reminds me of the joke about the farmer who had incestuous relations with both his daughters simultaneously…I guess this isn’t that kind of crowd…”
“From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now… 16 years old!”
[Singing] “Rebels are we! Born to be free! Just like the fish in the sea!”
-Woody Allen, et al, Bananas
From The In-Laws (1979 version)
(from memory, so apologies for any inaccuracies)
Vince Ricardo (as played by Peter Falk): Did you see the inscribed picture of President Kennedy?
Sheldon: It was very nice. What did the inscription mean, “At least we tried”?
Vince: That referred to the Bay of Pigs.
Sheldon: You were involved in the Bay of Pigs?
Vince Ricardo: Involved? That was my idea!
and
[On working for the CIA]
Vince Ricardo: Are you interested in joining? The benefits are terrific. The trick is not to get killed. That’s really the key to the benefit program.
And of course, the classic “Serpentine! Serpentine!”
The Princess Bride
“You were NOT hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!”
The Madness of King George
“Assaulted by both one’s parents in a single day. What IS family life coming to?”
1776
“When did you first notice they were missing, sir?”
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead
“I’ve often not been on boats.”
The Muppet Movie
“Good grief. It’s a running gag.”
Roy McAvoy: Well, I tend to think of the golf swing as a poem.
Clint: Ooh, he’s doing that poetry thing again.
Roy McAvoy: The critical opening phrase of this poem will always be the grip. Which the hands unite to form a single unit by the simple overlap of the little finger. Lowly and slowly the clubhead is led back. Pulled into position not by the hands, but by the body which turns away from the target shifting weight to the right side without shifting balance. Tempo is everything; perfection unobtainable as the body coils down at the top of the swing. Theres a slight hesitation. A little nod to the gods.
Dr. Molly Griswold: A, a nod to the gods?
Roy McAvoy: Yeah, to the gods. That he is fallible. That perfection is unobtainable. And now the weight begins shifting back to the left pulled by the powers inside the earth. It’s alive, this swing! A living sculpture and down through contact, always down, striking the ball crisply, with character. A tuning fork goes off in your heart and your balls. Such a pure feeling is the well-struck golf shot.
-
- Tin Cup *
Burns and Allen (paraphrased):
(Gracie comes home with a large bouquet of flowers)
GEORGE: Those are nice looking flowers, Gracie.
GRACIE: Well, I have you to thank.
GEORGE: How’s that?
GRACIE: Don’t you remember, George? You said that if I went to visit Clara Bagley in the hospital I should be sure to take her flowers. So, when she wasn’t looking, I did.
Arrested Development
MAEBE: Do you guys know where I can get one of those necklaces with the gold “T” on it?
MICHAEL: That’s a “cross”.
MAEBE: Across from what?
From the movie ‘Parenthood’ The old gramdma who no one pays much attention to, comments on the ups and downs of family life:
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
YELLOWBEARD: By the time I was 18, I’d killed 500 men!
BETTY: Well, he’s not so extraverted as you were!
TRIOLA: My father’s mission is to cause souls to enter Paradise more quickly than they would of their own accord.
OFFICER: The old superstition about women on shipboard causing bad luck is now a proven, scientific fact.
YELLOWBEARD: I don’t believe you’re my son! No woman ever slept with me and survived!
Scarlett’s gonna have puppies!
Ya! Ich bin ein Amerikanische shpion! Ein arbeit von Allen Dulles! Ya! Ya!
One’s blue - and the other’s yellow! And they both say “Yankee go home!” - Take me away!!
It was a draw. I mean, it shouldn’t happen to a dog. I mean, the situation is hopeless, but not serious.
From the wonderful, but obscure, One, Two, Three.