The Great Dictator:
HINKEL: Why do you keep wasting my time this way, Herring?
(You need the context to get it. See the movie.)
Desperate Housewives. Karl has packed his bags, is leaving Susan, he says, “I don’t know what to say”. Susan says, “how about, 'Thanks for losing weight, Susan! Thanks for wasting 15 years of your life on our marriage, Susan, while I cheated on you, Susan, and screwed everything with a g.e.d. and a tramp stamp!” Not only funny, but cuts like a razor.
Rick: This is outrageous! I’m writing my MP!
Neil: You’re an anarchist, rick. You don’t have an MP
Rick: Fine! Then I’ll write the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen…Dear Mr. Echo…
“I’m in pain and I’m wet and I’m still hysterical.”
Meet the Fockers:
BERNIE FOCKER: Hey, Gay, we were just telling Jack and Dina how you lost your virginity to Isabel!
“AAAAAAAARGH!!! Unaccustomed as I am…”
And from the same…
“MACBETH!!!”
“Hot potato, orchestra scores(?), Puck will make amends. OW!”
Airplane:
McCLOSKEY: Boy, I sure picked the wrong week to quit sniffin’ glue!
From FUTURAMA, a gold mine of this sort of thing…
Bender: I was a god once…
God: I know, you were doing really well, until everyone died.
Prof. Farnsworth: We ripped the universe a new space hole, alright! But it’s clenching shut fast!
Prof. Farnsworth: If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall!
Seinfeld.
After learning his plan to get Jerry’s girlfriend to dump him so Jerry can date the roommate (by suggesting a threesome) backfired because she was “into it,” George says:
“Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia???”
honeymooners
ed norton: do you mind if i smoke?
ralph kramden: i don’t care if you burn!
odd couple:
murray the cop: there’s only one sport i bet on, (pause), professional wrestling
and almost every line from newsradio
From the Big Lebowski, 2 classics before the opening song:
Treehorn’s thug: (opening the Dude’s bowling ball bag): “What the f*** is this?”
The Dude: “Obviously you’re not a golfer.”
And when Treehorn’s thugs leave, cursing the Dude all the way (remember, one relieved himself on the Dude’s rug):
The Dude: “Hey, at least I’m housebroken!”
Futurama:
Bender: “This is the worst kind of discrimination! The kind against me!”
Probably no one in the world thinks this is as funny as I do, but for some reason I can’t explain it’s been making me laugh for 40 years (not continuously):
99: What’s that?
Max: An electric snake, we’ll send it it to get information.
99: What does it run on?
Max: Tiny little feet.
Just typing it made me smile.
Futurama:
“Sir, it’s not necessary - or wise - to be naked.”
“Oh, you sound just like my tennis instructor!”
“The key to victory is discipline. And that means a well made bed. You’ll practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.”
“You mean … while I’m sleeping in it?”
“You won’t have time for sleeping, soldier. Not with all the bed-making you’re going to be doing.”
“When we hit this bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”
“Oh! Grr! If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the angry dome!”
The Quiet Man
Victor McLaglen seething over the fact that John Wayne bought some land that McLaglen wanted to buy:
“He’ll regret it to his dying day … if ever he lives that long.”
From Love and Sex 101:
It’s not right that people should treat her like a leper, just because of her horrible skin disease.
From The Big Lebowski
Walter: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.
From In the Loop (you could randomly pick anything Malcolm Tucker says and it’d be funny):
Malcolm Tucker: “Climbing the mountain of conflict”? You sounded like a Nazi Julie Andrews!
From Ghostbusters:
Dana Barrett: You know, you don’t act like a scientist.
Dr. Peter Venkman: They’re usually pretty stiff.
Dana Barrett: You’re more like a game show host.
and
Dr. Peter Venkman: Generally you don’t see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
and
Walter Peck: Hold it! I want this man arrested! Captain, these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act! And this explosion is a direct result of it!
Dr. Egon Spengler: YOUR MOTHER!
From Ghostbusters 2:
Louis Tully: Your Honor, ladies and gentleman of the audience, I don’t think it’s fair to call my clients frauds. Sure, the blackout was a big problem for everybody. I was trapped in an elevator for two hours and I had to make the whole time. But I don’t blame them. Because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.
[the courtroom is in bewildered silence]
Egon: Very good, Louis. Short, but pointless.
and
Louis Tully: So the 7 little dwarves had a limited partnership in a small mining operation. And one day a beautiful princess came to live with them. And they bartered housekeeping services for room and board, which was a real good deal for them because they didn’t have to withhold social security or income tax or nothin’, which you’re really not supposed to do, you see, but for the purpose of the story, I think it’s okay.
and
Judge Wexler: [in the middle of persecuting the Ghostbusters he was attacked by the ghosts of 2 murderers he sentenced to the chair] You got to do something! Help me!
Ray: Don’t talk to me; talk to my attorney.
Louis Tully: And that’s me! My guys are still under a judicial mistrangement order… that blue thing I got from her! They could be exposing themselves!
Peter Venkman: And you don’t want us exposing ourselves!
In case you haven’t guessed, Louis is my favorite part of Ghostbusters 2.
From The Addams Family movie:
MORTICIA: And there is our credo: Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc – “We gladly feast on those who would subdue us.” Not just pretty words, Fester!
From Groucho Marx’ 1950s TV game show You Bet Your Life:
Groucho: So, you got any kids?
Female Contestant: Yes, Groucho, I have eleven children.
Groucho: Eleven?! Did you say eleven kids?
Female Contestant: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Happened but (for obvious reasons) never aired. True story! The Master Speaks.