From S.O.B., I think
You look awful! You look like 135 pounds of condemned veal!
“Remember when I used to sit on your face and wiggle?”
–Airplane
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
Butch Cassidy: Alright. I’ll jump first.
Sundance Kid: No.
Butch Cassidy: Then you jump first.
Sundance Kid: No, I said.
Butch Cassidy: What’s the matter with you?
Sundance Kid: I can’t swim.
Butch Cassidy: Are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you.
Hawkeye in MASH: “An Edible Complex is when a guy likes his mom’s cooking better than eating out.”
Golden Girls- their house has just been broken into
Rose (Betty White): “Maybe they were after drugs!”
Dorothy (Bea Arthur)* very dryly*: “Drugs? We have Maalox and estrogen.”
Another good one from the In-Laws:
Vince and cab driver (David Paymer) waiting in a bar for Sheldon. The Price Is Right playing on the TV:
Vince(shaking head in disbelief): The things people think are entertaining these days.
Ya mean to say this is all this show is? People standin’
around guessing the price of this CRAP. Is this new?
How long’s it been on?
Cab Driver: Since about 1911.
Some of you people are OLD!
From Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid:
Rigby Reardon (Steve Martin): I hadn’t seen a body put together like that since I solved “The Case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.”
From Slap Shot:
Jim Carr: Hi, Jim Carr again. Denis, I know that some in our audience don’t know the finer points of hockey. Could you tell them, for example, what is icing?
Denis Lemieux: Well, um, icing happen when the puck come down, bang you know, before the other guys you know. Nobody there, you know. My arm go comes up then the game stop then start up.
Jim Carr: I see. What is high-sticking?
Denis Lemieux: High-sticking happen when the guy take the stick, you know, and he go like that
[high-sticks Jim Carr]
Denis Lemieux: you know. You don’t do that.
Jim Carr: You don’t do that?
Denis Lemieux: Oh no, never, never.
Jim Carr: Why not?
Denis Lemieux: Against the rules. You know, you’re stupid when you do that. Just some English pig with no brains, you know.
Jim Carr: Uh, what is slashing?
Denis Lemieux: Slashing is um, like that
[demonstrates on Jim Carr]
Denis Lemieux: you know.
Jim Carr: Mm-hmm. And there’s a penalty for that?
Denis Lemieux: Yeah and for the trip also, you know like that
[demonstrates]
Denis Lemieux: . And for hook like this
[demonstrates]
Denis Lemieux: . And for spear, you know, like that.
[demonstrates]
Denis Lemieux: You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes, by yourself, you know and you feel shame, you know. And then you get free.
nm
Flesh Gordon:
DR. JERKOFF: It’s my mother’s dress. She was buried in it.
DR. JERKOFF: [sniff] [sniff] Good! There is oxygen on this planet!
No Super Troopers yet??
Farva: Gimme a litre o’ cola.
Dimpus Burger Guy: What?
Farva: [Annoyed] A litre o’ cola.
Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Litrecola? Do we sell litrecola?
Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?
Farva: I don’t want a large farva. I want a goddamn litre o’ cola!
Captain O’Hagan: I swear to God I’m going to pistol whip the next guy who says, " Shenanigans."
Mac: Hey Farva what’s the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva: You mean Shenanigans?
Captain O’Hagan: What’s the significance of this John Chimpo fella?
Foster: You know those really cheap Japanese cartoons? No? This is basically a cheaper, Afgahni knockoff. It’s this monkey that basically travels around the world, doing nasty things. His butler tries to keep him in line, but, uh… no.
Rabbit: It’s really funny, Cap. It’s Afghanistanimation!
A bird lives in a round stick!
Joe
If I didn’t have puke breath, I’d kiss you!
Joe
“I could crush your head…like a nut…but I won’t…because I need you!”
No one delivers a line like Max von Sydow!
I got beat on this one.
Dr. Strangelove: “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room.”
I love a good straight line. From Airplane:
Lloyd Bridges: “Two more minutes?!?!? They’ll be miles off course.”
Robert Stack: “That’s impossible. They’re on instruments."
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: (Scene: The Kid agrees to provide cover fire for Butch:)
Butch: “You call that providing cover fire?”
Sundance: “You call that running?”
After Butch and Sundance blow a railroad mail car to kindling wood in trying to open a safe…“You think you used enough dynamite, Butch?”
Groucho: “That’s in every contract, that’s what you call a sanity clause.”
Chico: “You can’t a fool a me there ain’t no sanity clause”
Groucho/Chico in A Night at the Opera (movie)
What no not the nine o’clock news?
‘Wild? I was absolutely livid!’
or Fawlty Towers?
Basil: Is something wrong?
German guest: Will you please stop speaking about the war?
B: Me? You started it.
GG: We did not!
B: yes you did, you invaded Poland.
Oh, you missed one of the best ones:
Dr Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it’s true…this man has no dick.
One more I forgot… from Saved by the Bell:
Mr. Belding: “Screech, you can’t elope!”
Screech: “Who are you calling a canteloupe you melonhead?!?”
This one’s a real groaner but damned if it doesn’t make me laugh every time I think of it.
Three pages in and no Kentucky Fried Movie. What is the world coming to?!?!
Claude LaMont: I live ze unknown, I love ze unknown, I am ze unknown.
Paul Burmaster: Claude, where are you living now?
Claude LaMont: Zat… is unknown. I don’t know.
Loo: And who are they?
Dr. Klahn: Refuse, found in waterfront bars.
Loo: Shanghaied?
Dr. Klahn: Just lost drunken men who don’t know where they are and no longer care.
Prisoner #1: Where are we?
Prisoner #2: I don’t care!
Loo: And these?
Dr. Klahn: These are lost drunken men who don’t know where they are, but do care! And these are men who know where they are and care, but don’t drink.
Prisoner #3: I don’t know who I am!
Prisoner #4: Yeah. and I don’t drink.
Dr. Klahn: Guards!
[moves prisoners]
Dr. Klahn: Do you care?
Prisoner #5: No.
Dr. Klahn: Put this man in cell #1, and give him a drink.
Guard: What do you drink?
Prisoner #5: I don’t care.