What are some of your favorite quotes from comedies?

Cafe Society
141

Clerks:

Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?

Randal Graves: Yeah, what’re you looking for?

Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Randal Graves: Uh, once second. I’m on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it.

Mom: 'Kay.

Randal Graves: What’s it called again?

Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Kid: Happy Scrappy!

Mom: She loves it.

Randal Graves: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt and Eight Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone II: The KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, oh, yeah, and, uh, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again?

142

This quote is lame. I don’t see what’s so funny about it.

143

“Notice they do not so much fly, as plummet”

“Cabbage crates coming in over the briny!”

“Anthrax Ripple”

“Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?”

“It’s just a flesh wound”

“Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”

“Welease Woger!”

“If you ‘adn’t nailed it to the perch it’d be pushin’ up the daisies!”

“… now we 'ad it toof …”

[QUOTE=The Goon Show]

Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
Eccles: Err, just a minute. I’ve got it written down here on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
Bluebottle: Eeuughh. Then why do you carry it around with you, Eccles?
Eccles: Well, if anybody asks me the time, I can show it to them.
Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man…
Eccles: What is it fellow?
Bluebottle: It’s writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o’clock, is writted.
Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That’s right. When I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o’clock.
Bluebottle: Well then, supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn’t eight o’clock?
Eccles: Then I don’t show it to them.
Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it’s eight o’clock?
Eccles: I’ve got it written down on a piece of paper!
Bluebottle: Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.
Eccles: Oohhhh.
Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?
Eccles: Yah.
Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? - ‘Ere. This piece of paper ain’t goin’.
Eccles: What? I’ve been sold a forgery!
Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o’clock.
Eccles: Oh dear.
Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my grandad’s got.
Eccles: Oooohhh?
Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.
Eccles: Oooohhh??
Bluebottle: It’s one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o’clock, boils the kettule, and pours a cuppa tea.
Eccles: Ohhh yeah! What’s it called? Um…
Bluebottle: My gran-ma.
Eccles: Ohh… Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it’s eight o’clock?
Bluebottle: She’s got it written down on a piece of paper!
[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Yes Minister]
Sir Desmond [a banker]: It took me 30 years to understand Keynes’ economics then everyone started getting hooked on these new monetarist ideas. You know – “I Want to Be Free” by Milton Schulman.
Sir Humphrey: Milton Freidman.
Sir Desmond: Why are they all called Milton? Anyway, I’ve only got as far as Milton Keynes.
Sir Humphrey: Maynard Keynes.
Sir Desmond: … I’m sure there’s a Milton Keynes …
[/QUOTE]

144

A classic.

And for me, a Groucho:
Q: “May we join you?”

A: “Why? Am I falling apart?”

Q: “It is just that your table is set for four and you are alone.”

A: “If you think that’s funny, my alarm is set for eight.”