What are some of your favorite quotes from comedies?

[BrainGlutton]

Clerks:

Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?

Randal Graves: Yeah, what’re you looking for?

Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Randal Graves: Uh, once second. I’m on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it.

Mom: 'Kay.

Randal Graves: What’s it called again?

Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Kid: Happy Scrappy!

Mom: She loves it.

Randal Graves: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt and Eight Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone II: The KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, oh, yeah, and, uh, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again?

[Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup]

@BrainGlutton

Clerks:

Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?

Randal Graves: Yeah, what’re you looking for?

Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Randal Graves: Uh, once second. I’m on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it.

Mom: 'Kay.

Randal Graves: What’s it called again?

Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Kid: Happy Scrappy!

Mom: She loves it.

Randal Graves: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I’d like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt and Eight Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum”, “Girls Who Crave Cock”, “Girls Who Crave Cunt”, “Men Alone II: The KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, oh, yeah, and, uh, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. Uh, what was that called again?

This quote is lame. I don’t see what’s so funny about it.

[Askance]

“Notice they do not so much fly, as plummet”

“Cabbage crates coming in over the briny!”

“Anthrax Ripple”

“Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?”

“It’s just a flesh wound”

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she’s a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] … I got better.

“Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I’m being repressed!”

Brian: Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t NEED to follow ME, You don’t NEED to follow ANYBODY! You’ve got to think for your selves! You’re ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We’re all individuals!
Brian: You’re all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I’m not…

Brian: What will they do to me?
Ben the Prisoner: Oh you’ll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian: CRUCIFIXION?
Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.

“Welease Woger!”

Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there’s one. But otherwise, we’re solid.

“Not much of a cheese shop, this, is it?”
“Finest in the district sir!”
“How so?”
“It’s so clean!”
“…well it’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese”

“If you ‘adn’t nailed it to the perch it’d be pushin’ up the daisies!”

“… now we 'ad it toof …”

THE PRINCE OF WALES:
Well, you must forgive me, Wilde, but I must get back up the Palace.
OSCAR WILDE:
Your Majesty, you’re like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
I beg your pardon?
OSCAR WILDE:
Um … It was one of Whistler’s.
JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER:
I didn’t say that.
OSCAR WILDE:
You did, James, you did.
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
Well, Mr. Whistler?
JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER:
I- I meant, Your Majesty, that, uh, like a doughnut your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure merely makes us hungry for more.
(laughter and congratulations)
JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER:
Yes, thank you. Right, Your Majesty is like a stream of bat’s piss.
(gasps)
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
What?
JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER:
It was one of Wilde’s.
OSCAR WILDE:
It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
Well, Mr. Shaw?
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW:
I, um, I, ah, I merely meant, Your Majesty, that, ah, you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
Oh, ho-ho, very good.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW:
Right. Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.
1 (gasps)
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
What?!?
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW:
Before you arrive is pleasure, but after is a pain in the dong.
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
I beg your pardon?
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW:
It was one of Wilde’s.
OSCAR WILDE:
Wha-
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
Well, Mr. Wilde?
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW:
Come on, Ozzy.
OSCAR WILDE:
Uh … uh, wha-, wha- …
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW:
Come on, Ozzy, now, tell us all about it.
OSCAR WILDE:
Wha-, what I meant, Your Majesty, uh-h-h …
(general heckling from the crowd)
JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER:
Let’s have a bit of the old wit then!
OSCAR WILDE:
What, what-
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
I’m waiting.
OSCAR WILDE:
What I-, what I meant was …
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW:
Come on, Ozzy, …
JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER:
Give us a bit of the wit, Oz.
OSCAR WILDE:
Um, w-w-what I meant, Your Majesty, w-was … oh … (blows a raspberry)
(The Prince shakes Wilde’s hand. Laughter all round.)
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
Oh! Excellent! Excellent, Wilde! Very witty, Wilde.
JAMES McNEILL WHISTLER:
Nice one, Oz!
THE PRINCE OF WALES:
Can you come and do that up the Palace some time? Extremely funny, ha-ha-ha …

@The Goon Show

Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?
Eccles: Err, just a minute. I’ve got it written down here on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
Bluebottle: Eeuughh. Then why do you carry it around with you, Eccles?
Eccles: Well, if anybody asks me the time, I can show it to them.
Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man…
Eccles: What is it fellow?
Bluebottle: It’s writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o’clock, is writted.
Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That’s right. When I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o’clock.
Bluebottle: Well then, supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn’t eight o’clock?
Eccles: Then I don’t show it to them.
Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it’s eight o’clock?
Eccles: I’ve got it written down on a piece of paper!
Bluebottle: Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.
Eccles: Oohhhh.
Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?
Eccles: Yah.
Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? - ‘Ere. This piece of paper ain’t goin’.
Eccles: What? I’ve been sold a forgery!
Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o’clock.
Eccles: Oh dear.
Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my grandad’s got.
Eccles: Oooohhh?
Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.
Eccles: Oooohhh??
Bluebottle: It’s one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o’clock, boils the kettule, and pours a cuppa tea.
Eccles: Ohhh yeah! What’s it called? Um…
Bluebottle: My gran-ma.
Eccles: Ohh… Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it’s eight o’clock?
Bluebottle: She’s got it written down on a piece of paper!

@Yes Minister

Sir Desmond [a banker]: It took me 30 years to understand Keynes’ economics then everyone started getting hooked on these new monetarist ideas. You know – “I Want to Be Free” by Milton Schulman.
Sir Humphrey: Milton Freidman.
Sir Desmond: Why are they all called Milton? Anyway, I’ve only got as far as Milton Keynes.
Sir Humphrey: Maynard Keynes.
Sir Desmond: … I’m sure there’s a Milton Keynes …

[The_Second_Stone]

@kenobi_65

“Surely you can’t be serious?”

“I am serious. And, don’t call me Shirley.”

Airplane!

A classic.

And for me, a Groucho:
Q: “May we join you?”

A: “Why? Am I falling apart?”

Q: “It is just that your table is set for four and you are alone.”

A: “If you think that’s funny, my alarm is set for eight.”