- I was too young, he was too young.
- He was insane. I don’t use that word lightly.
I can definitely relate to number 1.
I’ve been in three relationships in my life.
- I was 20, he was 35 and it lasted about 10 months. It ended because I wasn’t really in love with him, I was in love with the idea of a relationship.
- I was 21, he was 27 and it lasted 4 years. It was a seriously dysfunctional relationship based way too heavily on sex and drinking together. I was too young and naive in the early parts of it to realize that he had a major alcohol problem. I figured it out after his 2nd DUI (which he got driving home from a bar while still on a restricted license from the 1st one)
- We met when I was 26 and he was 20. We’ve been together over 10 years now and I think I finally have this relationship thing figured out. This one is for the long haul but if anything happens, this is my last serious relationship.
Insecurity and jealousy on my part. Cheating on her part, but after the bullshit I put her through I can’t blame her for it. This was a long time ago, I think I’m wiser and much more laid back now, but I’m still ashamed of how I behaved back then.
- Met a girl when I was a teen whom the instant I laid eyes on her I somehow was convinced that I knew her-that sense of instant familiarity, if you’ve ever had that happen to you. We subsequently clicked on so many ways it wasn’t funny, completing each other’s sentences, that kind of crap-never had met someone like that before at all. It blew up because she was just significantly enough younger than me that I freaked out her overprotective immigrant parents (thus we never dated in any sort of formal sense), I said some idiotic stuff (and this was in the depths of my depression too)-and in the end analysis the timing was just all too horribly off.
An addendum: I walked into the first class of the new semester in college several years later (I was late and thus in a hurry, kept my head down & never looked around the class, just took the first seat next to the door), and after a few moments became absolutely convinced that she was in the class too. I looked up and there she was.
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My first real GF in a technical sense, turned out she was a psycho-one day just lit into me for no seeming reason (I mean ranting and raving, foaming at the mouth, the works). Since I wasn’t all that attracted to her in the first place, it was easy to let her go.
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I found someone who had a raging intelligence and dark beauty about her-but she was 18 y/o: 13 years younger. Our one attempt at sex imploded completely, and then all the crap she was hiding from me started leaking out, starting with the rather notable fact that was in a marriage of convenience with a guy stationed overseas that she didn’t love, while still in love with another guy whom she considered her soulmate (and the soap opera just got more surreal from there). We eventually became friends, honest with each other about everything, but I knew she would dump me in a heartbeat at a whim without a second thought, which she indeed did to the next poor sap of guy who dated her.
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On the heels of the one above, I found a wonderful sweet transparent outgoing extrovert. Again, the attraction on my end never quite reached critical mass (she was rather obese)-I was initially overpowered and buoyed by the sheer power of her personality, and managed to convince myself that I was in love with her for 3 months, but in the end I was forced to break her heart as I couldn’t go on living a lie. Never felt like such a heel in my life.
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I’ll include this one even tho it only lasted a week. Finally found someone who wasn’t nuts, was physically attractive to me, and who completely blew me away in every conceivable way-and we got deeply physical on the 2nd date (as in endless hours spent cuddling and kissing which seemed like mere minutes, eventually going to full sex by the end of the weekend). At some point our instant intimacy freaked her out (she initiated things on the above weekend), and after one more date she called and broke the entire thing off right when my feelings were exploding all over in a way they only ever did with #1. If I’m ever given a chance to do it over again, I’d definitely would have slowed things way down at the start.
Guess I needed to exorcise these demons after many years of work on myself and now (perhaps) meeting someone special last week-thanks for the opportunity.
- He was a a controlling dick and I was too young and sheltered to know better
- He was a a controlling dick and I was too young and sheltered to know better
- He was a a controlling dick and I was too young and sheltered to know better
- I was perfect, always right, and he couldn’t handle it so he broke up with me. (4 months)
tried to learn the error of my ways…
- On and off again, constant fighting but we loved eachother. I still thought I was always right, always had to win every argment, etc. Eventually it just drove us apart. (1.5 years total, about)
Spent a few years reflecting on it and REALLY set out to change myself.
- Relationship was so excellent, perfect. We moved in together. It was awesome. We were in love. I had finally learned my lesson about not thinking I knew everything, etc… found out from a friend that my boy had tried to hit on him. Then went on his computer, searched his online history, and found out he had been serially cheating on me with random hookups online pretty much since the day we met. I was furious and broke up with him.
I’m on my 4th “long term” relationship now, though we’re only 8 months in. Going well so far!
Okay, let’s do this.
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High school relationship that didn’t make the transition to college. He was fun to date, but not someone I was interested in in the long term.
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I just fell out of love. Honestly, I don’t think the attraction was ever there to begin with, but we got so caught up in the relationship and feeling all grown-up about it that we glossed over a lot of details. I held on to this one way too long because it’s so much easier to stay into something that is kind of working than to go. I wish i had had the guts to end it when it was over.
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This one was doomed from the start. An intense thing with a screwed up guy. Broke my heart, but I got over it.
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We met each other when we depressed and at a confusing crossroads in life. I got better, he didn’t. I realized that with him I had reached the limit of how far I was going to grow, and I wanted more. I left, it was sad for everyone, and it was the best thing to do for both of us. I’ve got an awesome life, and he just got married to someone who can be what he needs.
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Another doomed one- don’t date your drinking buddies! When the eventual fallout happens, you won’t have anyone to drink your trouble away with! We were together because we were the best candidates to be with each other, and eventually he found a better option. This one broke my heart too, but I got over it.
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This one was not meant to last- we put a shelf-life on it from the beginning. He was just way too screwed up and had too much on his mind to give me what I needed, and he wasn’t into me enough to get over that and treat me right. We had a pretty good year, and called it off with no hard feelings on either side. Worked out well.
Not a quick learner, I take it? 
For lasting relationships after age 18…
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She was a good girl and a devoted girlfriend but had some sexual hang-ups and never seemed interested/willing to have an intellectual conversation about anything. Eventually I decided that I could find someone better. Broke her heart over it.
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Found the sexually outgoing, “deep” girl I was looking for. She had all sorts of other issues and wanted to blend her interests in sex with other people and drugs and the Goth lifestyle with her “safe” boyfriend. Took me way too long to realize that it was a poor relationship for me and to finally end it.
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She became pregnant the first time we had sex. She wasn’t mature enough to handle acting… mature. After we moved into together, she didn’t want to get a job, didn’t want to take care of her son and didn’t want to help taking care of the apartment. Acted as though she was being put upon and treated unfairly for people expecting her to take some responsibility. Eventually I went to court for custody of our son and she split to move back in with mom and dad and be a kid a while longer.
Seems the twin threads working here are immaturity and (/or) jerkiness on the part of either party, with a side order of lack of chemistry or sexual incompatibility. Anyone ever have to break things up in something otherwise perfect, just because of one niggling but insurmountable issue or obstacle (such as religion, toxic in-laws potential or actual, or the long-distance blues?).
He cheated and I was willfully blind.
I’m currently enjoying a long distance relationship. Its nice, we plan our time together and spend a lot of time talking. Communication is key and I think that’s why I was so blind in the past. It was all “sex now and talk later”.
Yea, sex is not a good thing to base a relationship on b/c the flame dies fast…
Second tranche - the first three were relationships more than one year. Here’s the list that were less than one year:
- 6 months. She was from a different country and told me she’d split with her boyfriend when we met in my country. She hadn’t. It made for an interesting visit after she moved home as I only found out that he was still on the scene when I arrived at the airport.
- 6 months. She was just too young for me and had various characteristics that I found unattractive. We’re still friends.
- 4 months. It was an affair, which was very dishonourable of me. She was adorable but she moved away. I still think about her.
- 3 months. I was in a very bad place after the breakup of a long-term relationship. She worshipped me and I used her, then walked out of her life. I am ashamed of myself. She got spectacular revenge eventually and I don’t begrudge her.
- 4 months. She didn’t reciprocate the honesty I was scrupulous about offering her, and and instead began a relationship with my coworker while we were still together. I was devastated and it took a long time to get over.
- 4 months. She was bright and funny and these characteristics overrode me not finding her as physically attractive as other girls I have been with. Unfortunately when we were in the relationship these wore off and she became clingy, and all attraction ceased. I broke her heart.
- 4 months. We met online and it was long-distance. One day she just kind of disappeared. I eventually got through to her on the phone and that was that. Think she went back to her ex.
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He was very good looking, and I chased him until I caught him. Once I had him, I didn’t want him any more. We still stayed together for over 4 years; he constantly belittled and criticized me, and I finally got tired of it. Also, we had never lived together until nearly 4 years in, and that just didn’t work. It was pretty much mutual that we would break up.
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This time I was kind of on the other end of the same dynamic. He was all lovey-dovey until we were living together, then he was cool and un-affectionate. I found out that this was his true nature. I tried any number of times to put some life into our relationship, until I met #3.
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Early mid-life crisis; he was 14 years younger than me. Long distance relationship, in which I did all the giving and he went shopping. I really don’t think he had any idea what a relationship was supposed to be like, seeing as how he never had one before. Sex between us was a disaster, but I was besotted. Until I wasn’t.
My part in all these relationships was that I was too focused on sex and couldn’t integrate that into a real relationship. I never would have been interested in #2 or #3 as a long-term partner had I not found them so attractive. #1 had more going for him; if I had had better self-esteem at the time, we might have been able to make it work. Or maybe not, since several years after we broke up he told me that he decided he was really straight.
Roddy
Only had one long-term relationship. Left him for alcohol. A crying shame because he’s a wonderful, wonderful guy and deserves a hell of a lot better.
1.) He used drugs, progressively harder ones, and I didn’t. I threw in the towel somewhere around tripping on cough syrup. Also, I was an insecure wreck.
2.) Ex-spouse realized she was a polyamorous woman, not a monogamous man. Also, the relationship started when I was nineteen–I changed a lot. Also–ex-spouse was an immature jerk. Giant cascading mess of issues. Only ex-relationship I wish I’d never met.
3.). Rebound. Guy was clingier than I could deal with, and I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I knew I was just going to hurt him, and he had been a friend for years, so I broke up with him befor I could do that. Also, vastly different life goals.
4.) Online. Conflicting insecurities made things get bad. Broke up. Things were getting better, but I lied about something and irrevocably fucked things up. It’s the only one that tears me up, and it wasn’t even a relationship at the time. But fuck me if I don’t feel like shit for it anyway.
- I was a moron.
- I was an asshole.
- It’s complicated, but incorporated aspects of 1 and 2.
Of my 3 serious relationships pre-marriage:
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We were young and grew apart.
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She was older, her clock was ticking, and I was too young and early in my career to make promises that she needed to hear about where to live and when to have kids.
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Too much too fast. Crash & burn.
A compatible clinginess isn’t easy to find.
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Dated throughout college, paths diverged upon graduation. I had to come back to Korea for my compulsory military thang and she was starting her career.
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Was never really into her, kind of dated her for the sake of being in a relationship. Resolved itself when she had to go abroad.
Upon reflection, I don’t really think of those relationships as “failures”. They ended, but not necessarily because there were failures on anyone’s part.