What are "Things that should never be inserted into a vagina?" for 200 Alex.

Inspired by the Tampons Suck thread, I believe it would behoove us Dopers to compile a master list of things that should never find their way into a vagina. So far we have the following entries:

-Brillo Pads
-Elmer’s Glue
-VHS tapes
-very small rocks
-douche nozzles
-pine cones
-ninja throwing stars
-the empire state building
-Christmas trees
-Pyracanthas branches
-Pit Bulls
-CD Cases
-Larry King

I will add the following:

-laser beams
-cats in heat
-champagne bottles (large size)
-rose bushes
-alarm clocks
-Dan Rather
What can you contribute?


aluminum foil


Round hair brushes.

Although I’ll never forget the comment many years ago from a friend with a vaginal infection who said that she really, really wanted to stick her round hair brush in there to scratch!

Paris Hilton
cell phones not set to vibrate

Household pets
children that are not being born at that moment

3 ring binders

jalapenos or any chile/pepper really.

“alaskan pipeline” ( if you really gotta know you can find it on Urban Dictionary and it is mostly NSFW)

The OP’s hand-me-down ladles. :stuck_out_tongue:

nice cups of tea.

other vaginas would be bad also.


Am I the only one who wonders why Auto specified the size of champagne bottle not to be inserted? Sorry, gonna hafta say bottle in general, no matter the size have no reason to ever enter my vagina, while I will allow tampons, as they are much better than wearing a diaper (pads).

Krazy Glue
A blowfish covered with Krazy Glue

I have never used a bottle in sex play, but I was just thinking that some people might be into it if the size was not obscenely large. A related Flight of the Conchords song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY8jaGs7xJ0

15 posts and no one has mentioned sand, yet?

I am disappointed.

Also, sandwiches.

Brightly wrapped presents
Rats (unless the vagina in question belongs to a lady rat, in which case, knock yourself out)
Any other variety of small furry animal, for that matter (unless the vagina in question belongs to a woman who likes short, hairy men)
Copies of the Vagina Monologues (Unless they are very creatively bound…you know there is probably a market for that…)

Curling irons
A computer mouse
Uncapped felt tip pens

-Neutron stars
-Cowboy hats

Car keys
Garage door opener
A trampoline
Tether ball set
Antique baseball cards
Spinner hubcaps