Funnily enough, I have porn featuring that (drawn)…
God help you when they come uncapped already in there…
You could probably make a dildo with sections of the monologues written out in Braille. That would probably sell well with certain crowds.
Buicks
Michael Jackson
Joe Stalin’s brain
John Dillinger’s penis.
Are you saying bad cups of tea are acceptable?
As for the second part, how would that even work?!
-warp drive
-starfish
-business end of a pickaxe
-ice skates
-particle beam accelerator
-suitcase nuke
Staplers.
Staple removers.
Windshield wipers.
Thermoses.
Chandeliers.
Tesseracts
Dentatas
Teleportation devices
Your own knee
Car Keys
Hydrochloric Acid
Unicorns
Freddy Krueger’s Glove
Squid
Sea urchins
Dick Cheney
Spare keys
Your Mom
Stainless steel pot scrubbers
Jumper cables
Fertilizer spikes
Unfrozen bacon
Cauliflowers
Uranium
Netflix envelopes
Toothbrushes
Salt
Gay men
Frozen bacon
Tape measures
Shoes
Fireplace bellows
Yak (shaven or unshaven)
Hissing cockroaches
Inflatable boat
Tasers (PLEASE don’t taze me, bro)
Inflatable mattress
Douche (well, maybe that’s not so bad)
Heroin
Inflatable love doll
Typewriter
Inflatable love sheep
Tapeworms
Has actually happened. No, really. In fact, it’s rather scary, the list of things people consider to be a suitable sex toy substitute, such as:
the television remote. This one actually happens rather frequently.
hairspray can (it’s a bugger when the cap comes off by accident, innit?)
light bulbus. You heard me. Light bulbs.
kid’s miniature baseball bat
pager/cell phone set to vibrate
water pik
car gear shift
coca cola classic bottle
in one particularly memorable and hilarious case… a small plastic bottle of honey. The one in the shape of a bear. Because she’d heard the term ‘honey bear’ and…yeah. Bit of a miscommunication there.
My job is never boring.
Emergency room, I’m guessing? I really wish I could say I was surprised.
Screws
Paintbrushes
Troll dolls
Trolls
Ink cartridges
Floppy disks
Stuffed animals
Unstuffed animals
Adjectives
Once upon a time, yes. Now Planned Parenthood.
Oh! Allow me to add:
Coca cola or any carbonated beverage on the silly assed belief that it will somehow keep you from getting pregnant.
It won’t? Oh, shit!
Lobsters
42" Plasma TVs
War and Peace
All 6 Seasons of Sex and the City