If I am leaving the office, I’ll often say, “I *will * return.” Someone will ask, “Is that a threat?” And I will always say, “It’s a promise.”
If someone says “I need to ask you a question”, I literally have to bite down on my lip to refrain from saying “42” before they even ask. Then they look at me like “What?!”
If someone has to sneeze, I have to stop myself from saying “MooCow!” since that’s guaranteed to stop their sneezes. But some people get annoyed if I stop their sneezes.
These phrases are embedded in my brain! I’m sure there’s more I can’t think of right now. I assume other people do this.
Well, #1 and #2 are my own pet phrases, too. 'Cept I don’t bite my tongue. I just say “42.” Everyone at work (and at home) knows what this means, already!
When someone says something to the extent of “I’m outta here,” (a phrase which has outlived its usefullness, IMO) I tend to say, “Good! Stay outta here!”
If someone says, “Can I ask you a question?” I always answer, “you just did.”
While entertaining my aunt who was visiting me recently I heard myself saying " I may be goofy but . . ." whenever I didn’t know the answer to her questions. (Which was frequently- I know lots of useless information, but not neccessarily facts that answered her questions.)
I have bunch. For one, I bellow all my male friends’ last names as a greeting.
IRL, I’m kinda foul-mouthed. When I’m angry, I like using “ass” as an intensifier. Jackass, dumb-ass, stupid-ass, fat-ass, skinny-ass, crazy-ass, lazy-ass, smart-ass, old-ass, shitty-ass, ignorant-ass, cheap-ass, etc. Oddly, I rarely use the word asshole.
I say “son” a lot when I’m patronizing. This is part of my posting style, too.
I frequently say “Peace” instead of “Good-bye.” Except to my mother: when it’s time to say good-bye on the phone she says, “Love you. Peace and blessings,” and I respond, “Love you, too. Blessings and peace.”
Also, whenever ANYBODY drops something or knocks something over in my presence I feel compelled to call their names a few times and deadpan, “You dropped something.” I am amazed how many people still fall for that.
I attempt to excuse my obnoxiousness by saying, “I’m easily amused.”
I’m blanking on my own, save one. Only Mostly Missus has a tendency to fill lulls in conversation with one of her own phrases “how are you?” If it’s a slow day, she’ll ask, I’ll say “okay,” and there will be another pause, in which she inevitably asks again without thinking, and within about 15 seconds. The second time, I start complaining about every discomfort I have, real or imagined.
If someone says something even faintly dubious, I always say “Reeeeally”? Horrible habit.
When somebody’s leaving for the day, I always say “Take it easy in the hot rod.”
When somebody says “might” such as, “We might be able to get there in another hour,” my response is always the classic “And monkeys might fly out of my butt.”
My all time favorite that I don’t use nearly enough:
Them: “Hey, I got a question for you”
Me: “Whatever it is, the answer is no”
Whenever somebody says “if <whomever> keeps up <whatever> I’ll go stark raving mad!” (or something to that effect) I’ll answer “Not much danger of that happening…”
(By now people realize that I mean they’ve gone mad a looooong time ago, already :))
One I picked up from a friend–when someone is saying how bad their life is or whatever (not something genuinely bad like a death in the family or anything) I’ll say “aww, muffin.” ‘Muffin’ sometimes gets interchanged with other food items, like ‘cupcake’, after living with a guy who got tired of hearing ‘muffin’ all the time.
An online one–I’ll randomly ask people ‘Lollipop?’ I have no idea where it came from, but I used to use it alot on a certain forum (that I havent’ visited in a while).