When someone says, “Thanks for coming over”
I’ll say “Thanks for being overcome.”
Also works for: “Thanks for having us”
“Thanks for being had”
I knew somebody’d catch that, CapnPitt! I’ve got the kids trained now so they say, “What’s for dinner, besides poop?”
I usually answer “42” to any numerical question where I don’t know the answer. Bonus points if it’s obviously wildly wrong (“How many people will be here for the game tonight?” “42.”).
My standard ending for a confusing conversation or other exchange: “If you know what you’re doing, it’s not an adventure.”
When somebody in the D&D game rolls really, really badly: “Not compelling.”
Oh! I thought of another. I hate it, even when I say it, but I can’t stop myself.
When someone (even me) says something like “And now you know.”
I have to come back with “And knowing is half the battle.” And I never even watched G.I. Joe. :smack:
Whenever someone asks me a question involving “A or B”, my first answer is usually “Yes.”
And as Heinlein said, the standard pat (and almost always correct) answer to “Why don’t they…” is “Money.”
And of course, “What does X taste like?” “Chicken.”
Cripes - like, fully half of my daily dialogue is made up of pat answers. I do try to change them out on a rotating schedule, though.
I always finish any statement I make which gives a commitment with “Acts of God notwithstanding” -
“when can we have that submission?” “next Friday, Acts of God notwithstanding”
If anyone’s talking to me, it’s usually a dead giveaway that I want them to stop talking to me and go away if I use the phrase “goody good good”, “we shall see” or, for that matter “stop talking to me and go away”.
mm
My general response to anyone’s explanation or rationalization of something is almost always, “Fair enough.” I don’t know where I picked it up, but I’ve been saying it for years now. I tend to chagrin some people when I say “Whatever.” I say this a LOT, and it’s sort of my substitute for “Okay.” I have to catch myself saying it now. Also, somewhere I started saying “Oy,” and “Oy gevalt.” I know very little Yiddish and I’m definitely not Jewish. Ah, well.
Sometimes when the person I’m talking to will repeat back what I just said as a question. I always time it so I cut them off just at the end of the sentence with a very quick, “That’s right.” a la Tyler Durden.
… And, of course, when someone (not well enough trained :)) goes " 
no, that can’t be right…", I come right back and say, “Well, are you sure that you’ve got the question right?” 
A few more. Whenever someone asks me how I am, I usually have a rotating supply of answers, including:
“I was better, but I got over it.”
“If I were any better, I’d be two people.”
“If I were any better, I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
“Finer than frog hair split three ways.”
“Tolerable,” and
“I don’t know yet. It’s too early to tell.”
Most other “pat” phrases are things I’ve lifted from movies. For instance, I was at a friend’s house, and he had his guitar out. I picked it up, turned the amp on, cranked it, and, after a dramatic pause to convince people I knew what I was doing, proceeded to play the musical equivalent of fingernails on a blackboard. When everyone finally lowered their hands from their ears, I looked at them, and said, “never had one lesson.”
I only do this one with people whom I know won’t be offended, but if someone tries to stop me from doing something I want to do, I’ll say “I bet you’re gay.”
I often greet people at work with a celebratory “Happy Thursday!” Of course, I only use that on Thursday. I change it for other days of the week.
I have a deep-seated dislike of questions asked as mere courtesy, rather than from an actual desire for an answer. The most common ones are, “How’s it going?” and “How are you?” Sometimes, in my futile attempt to stop people from doing this, I’ll honestly answer their question, usually with lots more info than they want. But most of the time, I like answers that at least shake them out of the “Fine.” groove. My favorite is “It could be worse.”
It makes most people think a bit to understand what I meant. But for some, they fail to think and take it to mean the exact opposite of what I said, and they’ll ask, “Why, what’s wrong?” Then I have to explain myself, blowing the moment entirely.
Every thing is a song. My whole family does this and it’s quite annoying. Any lengthy pause in a conversation can be followed by a snippet.
“Well, yesterday…” “When I was young? Love was such an easy game to play??”
“You know Ben?” “The two of us need look no more…”
“Her name? Her name was…” “Lola?, she was a show girl.”
DeHusband hates it when I do this. Bwa ha ha ha ha.
When someone asks me how I am, I always used to say “Fine”. Even laying bleeding on the street. Now I say, “Why? What have you heard?”
I’m over 40, but look a lot younger (yes, I know, it’s my mental age showing through… :eek: ).
So, when someone who doesn’t know me too well asks me how old I am, my stock answer is “Well, I’m closer to 30 than to 20…” – which is, of, course, literally true… 
What are you still doing up? Isn’t it like, 4:30 AM or something?
counts hours
forgets the time difference
forgets what she was counting
Ooo, something shiny!
wanders off
When someone was acting particularly agitated or over the top, I would often say in an observational, matter-of-fact tone: “Hmmm…Issues…” (impyling he/she had some).
This led to an extension: “They don’t have issues, they have subscriptions.”
Whenever someone at work asks how long a job will take, regardless of the scope my first answer is always “Two Weeks”.
Sadly, this is often as accurate as my real estimates.
No, no… it’s 42
Actually, only 12:30. but I really should be getting to sleep!
Hey, I can’t grab your attention for more than a minute? I’m not interesting enough? :sulks: