I suddenly realized: why am I boring you with MY pat answers when you can be endlessly entertained by my Evil Teenage Aunt Marcia’s pat answers when I was young? Italics mine.
I’m hungry.
“Eat your tongue.”
I’m thirsty.
“Drink your spit.”
I’m hot.
And you stink, too.
I’m bored.
Then get out my face and go do something.
*I need to go to the bathroom. *
(If she’s in the bathroom) “Well, there’s bushes outside.” (If she’s driving the car.) “Roll down the window. Don’t fall out, I’m not turning around.”
*Can I watch TV? *
“As long as you don’t turn it on.”
Can I have a quarter?
“I’ll give you five dollars if you can kiss the end of your elbow.”
I hate you! You’re mean! Mean!!
“Mean, mean, bo-meanie, bo-nama-bana-bo meanie, fi- fie bo-meanie. MEAN!” (With elaborate hand hestures, finishing up with jazz hands.)
I say that a lot myself, particularly when someone says something that is a negative response to something I said (such as when my boss tells me to do something and I answer that I’m really swamped - one boss told me “we’re all swamped, just do it” and that was my reply).
Other ones I use are “What’s the good word?” when I greet people and, when I’m in a good mood I borrow Principal Skinner’s “There’s _______, he knows the score!”
I tend to phrase suggested solutions as, “That’s why God invented X.”
“Damn I hate these commercials.” “That’s why God invented TiVo.”
“Oh no, I dripped spaghetti sauce on my shirt!” “That’s why God invented Oxyclean.”
The more mundane and obviously the product of human ingenuity, the better. I also find it funny because I’m an atheist.
Whenver something, especially but not limited to food items, fails to be as fabulous as I would like, I thoughtfully say, “Hmmm, decidedly un-bold.” (Surely someone on this board will recognize that reference?)
Me: How are you?
Husband: Fine.
Me: How’s your hair?
Husband: Fine.
(Thank you, George Carlin.)
Husband: What are we having for dinner?
Me: Kittens.
Husband: What do we need from the store?
Me: Kittens.
I’ll pretty much answer any question that calls for a noun with “Kittens.”
Stock phrase when someone arrives at gaming: Bob Smith! We thought you were dead!
(Some day someone from games club is actually going to die, and the next guy who walks in the room, we’re going to say, “Joe Brown! We thought you were dead!” and then won’t we feel like heels.)
Stock phrase when you’re leaving the room at gaming: Don’t let freaks eat my stuff.
I have to consciously stop myself from doing the Monty Burns drawn out “Excellent!” and steepling my fingers when people tell me things. Particularly, like, people in authority.
I saw an episode of Bill Nye when he talked about “the icy blackness of space,” and now I work that in to conversation whenever possible, which turns out to be quite a lot, because I’m an astronomer.
Whenever I’m with people and we are leaving someplace, the gang catchphrase is “Lets party train it out of here.”
If I’ve just had a great meal and there are other folks around, I might paraphrase Milli Vanilli and say “Its a tragedy for me to see the meal is over…” (from Girl, I’m Gonna Miss You).
I also use “on board” far too much, as in:
Them: Do you want to join us for (insert activity)?
Me: I’m so on board.
If accepting an invitation, I might also quote Bob Marley - to wit: “Lets get together and feel alright.” In general, I will quote song lyrics wherever they say what I’m feeling or thinking.
One that makes me want to puke is “Its all good.” You won’t catch me using that one.
I invariably greet people by saying “Good morning,” no matter what time of day it is. I’m not sure if this annoys people or just confuses them. I originally started this because I got tired of losing track of whether is was before or after noon, so I just picked a time of day and stuck with it.
When I leave the house, especially if it’s just a short trip to the store or something, I usually announce “I’ll be back someday.”
I always try to answer as many rhetorical questions as I can:
You know what I don’t understand?
Particle physics? (or integral calculus or quantum mechanics) Ya know what bugs me?
Head lice? You know what burns my ass?
A flame about this (gesturing) high?
(of course, everybody already knows this one, but sometimes you can jump ahead of people who were planning to say it to you.)
For some reason, people don’t always appreciate this sort of helpful response.
Oh, I will be so much more annoying after reading this thread! Askia, I aspire to be your Aunt Marcia. (Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.)
A couple more:
“How are you?”
“So far, so good.”
“Hey, there’s a <critter of some sort>!”
“Don’t eat it!”
That last one was born during some kind of family gathering when a young cousin came running into the house yelling, “Daddy, Daddy, there’s a toad outside!” My uncle shrugged and said, “Don’t eat it.” The young cousin nodded very seriously and ran back out, hollering to the other children, “He says don’t eat it!” Very wise, my uncle.
