“Too bad for you.”
As in, “there’s no cake left - too bad for you.” “So when they get this error, it’s too bad for them?” “No, you can’t - too bad for you.”
It is on the verge of getting me into trouble but everytime I hear “I’m sorry” I always seem to reply with “You fucking will be”
When somebody drops something like a book or car keys: That’s why they stopped making them out of glass.
Obscure humor reference #1: When I toss something aside, then go to pick it up: Wait… I’ll need that…
#2: When I’m doing something blatantly obvious, like sweeping, and somebody asks me what I’m doing: Weaving a raffia basket.
And don’t get me started on Monty Python responses.
In high school, the pat answer to the question “What’s up?” was
“Sadly, my zipper”.
But then we grew up.
I left most of them out, since I tend to do so many.
I live in Japan – the nation of pat phrases. There’s a set phrase for almost every occasion – running an errand, starting a meal, ending a meal, leaving work early, the first work day of the new year, the last work day of the new year…
Sadly, none of them are all that funny. Except maybe the traditional greeting in Osaka-dialect. Moukattemakka? (rough translation: “Are you making money?”)
The English pat response that I still use goes something like this:
easily-impressed person: I just (minor accomplishment that only this guy would find impressive)!!
Me: Well, we’re happy for you. :rolleyes:
(original source: Joe Soucheray, Minnesota newspaper and radio guy)
To anyone who thinks aloud: “What was I just thinking…?”
I always respond: “If I knew that, I’d be making more money.”
“What’s for dinner?”
“Food.”
“Could you do me a favour?”
“NO!” (then proceed to do whatever was asked with nothing more said).
“Hey, you know (celebrity/famous person)?”
“Not personally.”
Whenever I hold open a door, regardless of who it is for, I say, “Ladies first.”
When asked if I’m hungry: “Me and my family… not eat meat, for many moons. Starve.” This was stolen from my father.
Whenever I put on any of my rings, I proceed to hold my fist with the ring on it up in the air, and yell, “OLYM-PIAAAAAAAA!” (brownie points for anyone who gets that one).
Upon being either hurt physically or confused, I always utter a childish sounding “Hoe…” (sounds like ho-ay, think Card Captor Sakura for those who have seen the Japanese version. If confused, it is a very, very short “Hoe?” when hurt, it drawn out without the question mark, softly, not yelling, “Hoeeeeeeeeee!” looks injured)
My husband’s are my favourite. Whenever you tell him you did something/learned something new, he responds with a blase: “Yeah? How’s that working out for ya?” and continues to do whatever he was doing before you distracted him. Sometimes he’ll crack up doing this and lose the moment, but sometimes he’s pretty good at it. When it’s me, he will always turn around at the end of whatever I told him and give me a big hug and often will ask me questions about things, but it was infuriating when I didn’t know any better!
Anytime you relate him a story in which you did something out of your normal character, and you say something like, “Well, I’m not usually (insert something you’re not usually)”, he always says, “Whatever makes you sleep better at night.”
Hey, sometimes he’s got a point.
My alternate one:
Friend: “Remind me to buy bread later.”
Me: “Okay. Buy bread later.”
Long story. Here’s the short, short version:
Once I hit 20, some friends and I were talking about what we were looking for as far as women to be able to settle down with.
One friend said something to the extent of, “A girl who thinks the Stones are the greatest band ever.”
A few more went around, and someone said, “what about you, Kev?”
After giving what appeared to be great deliberation, I answered, “A girl who either knows Transformers: the Movie by heart, or can answer ‘knowing is half the battle’ if I feed her the line by saying, ‘now you know.’”
I swear, I am NOT making that up.
I like this one – I do it, too. 
My usual response to “How are you?” these days is, “Oh, I’ve been better, but I’ve been worse,” which is not only non-informative, but is so long that it has the added advantage of derailing the rhythm of the whole conversation.
:eek: 
Wow! Hurray! I haven’t seen the movie, I’m afraid, but I will absolutely rip that line back to you.
My friend and I have an overlong variation which goes like this:
Me: “Friend, what shall we eat?”
Friend: “Food”
Me: “What food?”
Friend: “Edible food.”
Me: “What sort of edible food?”
Friend: “Tasty, edible food.”
Me: “Where shall we get this tasy, edible food?”
Friend: “Anywhere that is selling tasty, edible food.”
ARGH.
And there were once my friends and I would say goodbye to each other with “For Great Justice!”, and a the same time placing our left hand on the chest.
If somebody asks me how I’m doing, I usually say “Fair to partly cloudy.”
The old repeating question thing:
Me: “Did you see Revenge of the Sith?”
Other person: “Did I see Revenge of the Sith?”
Me: “I asked you first.”
If I see something or someone I haven’t seen in a while, I say:
“Lordamercy, I haven’t seen that since Buck was a calf.”
(I have no idea who Buck is, btw. I heard this somewhere ages ago and liked it.)
Well, we now appear to have our first date planned. 
Best. Cartoon. Ever. In grade 8, a girl in my science class answered the question “What is a Newton?” with “Half man, half horse”. And the geeks did crack up.
No, I’m sorry, there isn’t time.
Monty Python makes up a lot of my pat phrases.
Whenever we’re deciding on a place to eat out, I always suggest “T.J. MacGillicuddy’s All-American Steakery and Foodatorium!”
I use “Indeed” as the general placeholder for “I’m listening” in conversations. It’s more articulate than “uh-huh,” and makes me sound like I’m slightly doubting the other person so they get all defensive.
“I ate at Arby’s the other day.”
“Indeed.”
“No, really!”
“Can you turn on the lamp?”
“Hey there, lamp.” pause “I guess not.”
If I don’t believe what someone is telling me, I am prone to responding with, “Save your lies for the trial!” Dogbert said it in a cartoon once, and I thought it had a nice ring to it.
YAY! I wasn’t sure anyone would get that one. (Is it a Canadian cartoon?)
Herc! Herc! Hey, Toot! Hey, Toot!
Person: “I’m here, aren’t I?”
Me: “Yes, and I are too.”