“I can’t stand it, I tell you! It’s driving me sane!”
Ten points to the first Doper to guess where that one came from.
I realized I do have some pat phrases when I’m meeting people.
“What’s your name?”
“Askia. It rhymes with Maria. If you can say, “Maria” you can remember and pronounce my name.”
“Oh, that’s pretty. Are you… African?”
“I’m not, but my name is. It’s West African from Mali’s Muslim Songhai Empire.”
“Did you change your name?”
“Nope. Born Askia. Both my parents were pretty pro-black college revolutionaries when they had me.”
“Does it mean anything?”
True Answer: “Askia is the name of a line of kings.”
Pat Answer, deadpanned: “It means Overworked Underpaid Schoolteacher.”
Got this from a friend. I love to say it but I always burst out laughing at the end.
Person: Where’s my blahdeblah?
Me: Do you feel a sharp pain?
Person: How are you?
Me: Alive.
Leaving a room or house to which I plan to return: If I don’t come back, avenge my death!
Leaving it again: Not back, avenge death, yada.
Someone drops something: Rrrrrrrrrecker! (That’s how you pronounce the Cape Breton “wreck 'er”.
Boyfriend: Can you pass me the Coke (or other mundane thing)?
Me: No. (While actually passing the Coke)
Boyfriend: Thanks!
Me: I said NO!
Q: How are you?
Possible answers:
Here.
Maintaining.
Answer unsure. Check back later.
I’ll let you know when I wake up.
Q: What’s for dinner?
Food.
I’m not sure, but it smells edible.
I’m not sure, but be careful, it’s hot.
Steak (regardless of what’s for dinner, Steak, it’s what’s for dinner).
And by extrapolation, I sometimes will say: Food, it’s what’s for dinner.
Statement: I want ____________
(This from my grandmother) People in hell want ice water too.
Statement: That’s not fair.
Fair doesn’t exist. Fair was made up as an excuse for people to have something they want, without deserving/working for it.
My wife will at some point during any given week state: I don’t know what I’m going to wear. To which I will answer – join in, because you would too – Clothes are a good choice.
Q: Do you know what?
A: No, but if you hum a few bars I can probably fake it.
The entirely made up exasperation phrase: Yeesh Yoska (a sort of faux Yiddish or Russian phrase).
Thanks to Snooper and Blabber, I have a tendency to say “Leave us be going”
and to generally use “leave” when I mean “let’s”
Rather than “cuss” something I tend to use the word “Fushlugginir” which I believe I picked up from Stan Lee.
I also tend to, when leaving somewhere, say, “I’m off, and I guess I’m leaving too.”
A variation is “Let’s be off. . .(followed by Hansel-Han-sel type gesticulations and odd sounds) and while we’re at it, let’s leave too.”
When people tell me some observation is harsh or cruel, I tend to shoot back “Truth is truth, it has no opinion, it simply is.”
I’ll cop to using “42” and “Knowing is half the battle” and an observational (with British accent) “And now for something completely different. . .” followed by something very mundane and common.
So, Now you know. . .And knowing of course, is half the battle.
Because I’ve watched Young Frankenstein about 500 times too many, these are involuntary responses:
Someone else: It could be worse …
Me: Could be raining.
Someone swipes something from my desk:
Me: Put ze candle BECK!
Oh Og, yes! I have probably watched it 501 times and I do this, too.
Hold on to your hat!
(In D&D, if we come across a big door) What knockers!
Taffeta, darling! Taffeta.
Love it!
Don’t know if it was Canadian or not, but I think a lot of Canadians were involved in making it.
Here’s a site for the show: The Mighty Hercules.
You can even watch one of the episodes!
My Mom used to say “since Hector was a pup.”
Mom had a few others:
Me: Guess what!
Mom: Chicken squat. Stick your head in the hominy pot.
Me: What’s that for?
Mom: Cat fur to make kitten britches.
Me: I want [whatever].
Mom: You want horns, too, but you’re gonna die butt-headed.
I used this one day.
Other person: How are you today?
Me: Alive.
Other person: Well, that’s better than the alternative. Better smelling, too.
… every D&D session starts with “When last we left our band of merry adventurers…”
You’ve just reminded me. At least once per adventure, when cycling through the order of initiative, I can be counted on to say “Next up in our spokesmodel category…”
When I hear good news, I usually respond with, “You can’t protest that!”
The line originally comes from a skit preceding the song, Dylan for Dollars, from Pinkard & Bowden’s [musical comedy act] album, PG-13. The skit involves a radio disc jockey explaining the rules of a call-in contest. He will ask a trivia question about the year 1961, “a good year for protest music”, and if the caller answers correctly, “…you’ll win two tickets to see Flashdance, and you can’t protest that!”
When I’m getting off work and I’m ready to leave, I’ll usually ask the guy relieving me, “You got a handle on it?” before I go. This led to a fun exchange at one job a few years ago:
ME: You got a handle on it?
OTHER COOK: I was born with a handle on it!
ME: Oooo, I bet your mom hated that!
When a waitress comes back to the kitchen and says, “I’m hungry! What’s easy for you to make?” my standard response is “Toast.”
We used to drive down to Florida a lot for family vacations, and every time we saw the first pelican of the trip, my dad would recite the old limerick:
“Funny bird, the pelican
It’s beak can hold more than its belly can
It can hold in its beak
enough food for a week
And I don’t know how the hell he can”
I’ve since adopted the same practive whenever I see a pelican (a rare occaision here in Connecticut, but whatever).
Another one I took from him: “If it’s gonna go to waste, let it go to my waste,” when taking food somebody else didn’t want to eat/finish.
When asked what time it is, I often look at my watch (or, even better, my non-watch arm) and respond “It’s right about now.”
And then there’s:
“What’s the weather like out now?” (at night)
“Dark.”
My friend always responds to “Gesundheit” with “Comesoutloose.” Gets me every time.
And yeah, I also do “And knowing is half the battle” all the time. Unfortunately, too few people ever recognize it.
I forgot this one:
Whenever my SO or I say “What is ____ for?”, or use the word ‘butt’, we have to have this dialogue:
What’s a buttfor?
For pooping, silly.
Here’s one my father once used:
We were on vacation, and driving to Florida. Just for fun, I tried to get under my dad’s skin by repeatedly asking, “are we there yet?”
He spun around from the driver’s seat, looked me in the eye, and asked, “have I stopped the goddamn car yet?”
Tee hee! I loved the Incredibles rip of this:
Dash: Are we there yet?
Father: (slightly bug-eyes) We’ll get there when we get there!
This one comes in handy when I’m using or wearing something decorated with Chinese calligraphy.
Other person: “What does it say?”
Me: “The Son of Heaven invaded Manchuria and all I got was this lousy Tshirt/mug/whatever.”
I don’t know where it came from, though.
Person: Something true.
Me: “Verily”, or sometimes “Yea, verily, verily” if I’m feeling expansive.
From when I was younger:
Parent(s): Some justified scolding or other.
Me: “I am an evil man-cub, and my stomach is sad within me.”
Parent(s): Too much laughter for real punishment.
A friend:
Me: “Know what’s funny?”
Him: “Porn!”
A couple of movie rip-off lines are frequently used around our house.
“Ohhhhhh. That’s not right.” From Galaxy Quest. There are so many situations that seem to elicit that response.
I also find frequent occasion to use, from the third Indiana Jones movie, the line “He(you) chose wisely(poorly).”
Whenever I borrow something like a stapler or a tool from somebody’s desk or workbench at work, I always say, “Yoink!” a la Snake from the Simpsons. But only if they are there to hear it.
If I’ve had a rough day at work, when it’s 5:00, I lock up my desk and stand up and say in my best Cartman voice, “O.K. That does it! Screw you guys, I’m going home.” Complete with hand gestures.
My favorite one I actually lifted from the old “Box of Random Evil” thread here on SD. (unfortunately, I couldn’t find it to link to it)
Friends: Mind if we stop over?
Me: Well, the house looks like a gang of blind monkeys drunk on kahlua have been through here.
Friends: Ummm. Nevermind.
Frinds who have heard that one enough get the short version - “Blind Monkeys. Kahlua.”