How are you?
Moderately neato! (George Carlin)
How are ya doing?
Good. Bad. Ugly. The complete spectrum.
What’s up?
A violent reaction to gravity.
What’s it like outside?
It’s like being inside without all the walls.
Surveying a crowd of, say, thousands: How many people do you think are here?
At least… seven. Definitely at least seven people here.
…then I found it in the last place I looked.
Really? I like to keep looking in a couple more places to see if I can find me some extra.
Me: How are you?
Them:* I can’t complain.*
Me: Sure you can; it’s easy! My diamond shoes are too tight. The chocolate Ferrari is nice, but I was really hoping for the full nougat interior. My eternal youth potion only comes in one flavor and tastes kinda chalky.
I like to wrap up perhaps rambling anecdotes with the patented Brak Story Enders: “…and then I found five dollars! THE END!” and “…and then my mom baked me a cake! THE END.” And the ultimate, “…and then my mom said, ‘Didn’t I always tell you, ‘Never trust a monkey!’’ THE END!”
Or finishing up a how-to with the tagline from a Ziplok commercial:
“…then red and blue make green and it’s sealed!”
I do know that color equation is faulty; it just seems funnier for me that way.
As the host exits from the room I am in: Now, which one’s the poopin’ corner?
I was reminded of one today:
Friend: Hi.
Me: No, but it would help.
There are many circumstances – usually employment related – in which I truly think this. Now, however, at present, I have to check myself lest the speech nazi’s catch me being funny.
Some guy: “Hey, I just won $5!”
Me: “Well, that’s better than a kick to the nuts with a frozen boot”
Some guy: “Do you know what time it is?”
Me: looks at watch “50”.
Some guy: <something to piss me off>
Me: “Well, the great thing about a country such as ours is that everyone is entitled to an ignorant opinion”
I forgot this (ripped-off from Arthur).
Person: (something only they think is impressive)
Me: I shall alert the media.
After running across some overplayed crap on the radio for the sixth time that day, let’s say Rod Stewart:
“WTF? Did Rod Stewart die?”
Usually said in a hopeful tone of voice.
I like to play the freudian psychologist a lot
eg:
“I’m going to the footy tomorrow”
“Interesting, and how does that make you feel?”
or
“Nice weather isn’t it?”
“Do you think the weather is the reason you lust after your mother?”
Also, I like to trot out “Your ideas intrigue me, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter”.
Finally, I have “The List” which is the list of people who I’m going to kill when I get into power. Theres only 2 rules about the list:
- Anybody can ask whether someone else is on the list or not
- If you tell someone whether they are on the list, you automatically go on the list.
This can lead to some humerous exchanges:
Person 1: blah blah blah
<Person 1 walks away>
Me: Well, I think that put’s him on the list.
Person 2: What list?
Me: The list of people who are going to be rounded up and shot once I’m in power
P2: What? Am I on the list?
Me: I can’t tell you that, I can only tell you about other people.
P2: What? Thats ridiculous, okay, uh, P3, ask if I’m on the list or not.
Me: I can’t tell him that when your in earshot
<P2 walks out of earshot>
Me to P3 (who knows about the list): Nah, he’s not on the list
<P2 comes back>
P2: Okay, now I want to know if he’s on the list
<P3 walks out of earshot>
Me to P2: Nah, he’s not on the list
<P3 walks back>
P2 to P3: Well? am I on the list?
P3: What? I can’t tell you that!
P2: Why not? your not on the list!
Me: Hey, you told them whether they were on the list, now your definately on the list.
P2: What? thats not fair!
It’s developed into an entire paranoid cottage industry. Everyone knows if anyone else is on the list but nobody knows if they are on the list or not. People refuse to tell other people if they’re on the list because the people they’ve told have actually come back and ratted them out to me. It’s wonderful.
Oh, shit, this is my thread! I terrorize people at work with pat phrases. Here are some of my favorites:
In department meetings, when my boss starts to say something, I slap the conference table and shout “What is Madagascar?”
If a co-worker says to me “Can I tell you something?” I say “Sure,” then turn around and continue working. After a few seconds I turn around and tell the confused person “Oh, you wanted me to listen too?”
When a co-worker is telling me something and taking a long time, I cut the person off and say “I trust this is leading somewhere?” or “Your story has become tiresome!” (Both stolen from “Sprockets” on SNL)
If someone says “You know something?” I say “I know a few things!”
When my phone rings at work and it’s an internal call, I always answer “Bail Bonds For Less, this is Ike!” (No, I’m not a bail bondsman and my name is not Ike).
If I help a co-worker with a question and they ask “How did you know that?” I answer “I know everything and what I don’t know, I make up.”
I do something like that, too. My standard answer, when one of my co-workers says “I have a question,” is “I have answers. Might not be the right answers,” or “If I don’t know the answer, I’ll make something up.” Sometimes they’ll ask me a question, and I’ll get out my Sarcastic Ball. It’s very useful.
I do “How’s that workin’ out for ya?” too.
Whenever I see a bird kind of hopping along, I always, always have to say “It was such a nice day, he thought he’d walk.” Every single time. Even when no one else is around.
It’s old and overused, but when someone tells me something that’s way TMI, I say “Thanks for sharing.”
I find myself using a more…risque parallel:
Other Person: “I have a question for you.”
Me: “Six inches soft. Usually five times a night.”