Besides this, even if you are wildly successful in acting of modeling you will get rejected 9 times out of ten. My daughter acted professionally as a child, and I’ve been on several sets, and all those kids had amazing self confidence and self esteem. She never did modeling - her manager thought it wasn’t worth her time - but I assume it is the same.
MK, I’ve been lurking reading this thread, and I wanted to chime in to say I think you’re doing an excellent job. I’m not a parent, but I’ve been a teenage girl recently enough, and I think it must be hard enough being the mother of a “normal” teenage girl, so all credit to you for the way you’re dealing with your daughter’s problems.
One of the things that came to mind having read your posts in the thread is whether your daughter might have been subject to sexual abuse - your later post about the timing reinforces this in my mind - a few months after apparently becoming sexually active, she has a breakdown that requires hospitalisation; that’s not giving a lot of support to the idea that her early sexual encounters were entirely consensual, even so far as a 13 year old can consent to sex. You might want to get her therapist to look at that, as part of helping her fix herself. If that were to end up being the case, it’s far from unheard of for sexual assault victims (particularly teenagers) to act out by sleeping with lots of other people in an attempt to make it better - I hope that her tests come back clean, and that she’s sincere about wanting to find new behavioural patterns. Perhaps trying out new hobbies like horse riding or others will give her something to focus on other than what seems to be a fairly deep-seated self esteem problem. I know you said she talks about how much of a hottie she is - but I don’t think that’s a good sign of self esteem, it’s a sign of seeing your self-worth in terms of sexual attractiveness… Not ideal in any age, IMO, but even less so in an early teenager - finding something else she’s good at will help her, because it will give her an idea of the value she has independent of other people’s view of her sexual attractiveness. At the moment, she may well feel that’s the only thing she’s got going for her, if you see what I mean. She wouldn’t be the only girl in her early teens for whom that was the case - friends of mine growing up acted similarly for those very reasons.
MitzeKatze, I’ve been reading this thread since it was only one page, and I want to chime in with everyone else and say: “You. Positively. Rock.” You are a great mother, and I am just blown away with how much shit you are dealing with, and with how much grace you are dealing with it.
I saw, somewhere upthread in a post I cannot now find, that bio-mom has told daughter that wanting to spend the night at a sleepover, away from bio-mom, proves that she (daughter) doesn’t love bio-mom and makes bio-mom feel like killing herself. That’s abuse. That’s emotional abuse. Does the therapist know about this? Does the judge?
I concur with the other posters who have said urged you to find reasons to praise her and make sure she knows she is loved (even when she is being a little beast, as all thirteen-year olds sometimes are). I also think the horses are a great idea. But bio-mom’s abuse is the real issue, here.
Your poor daughter has been dealt a rotten hand in her uterus provider, but she is extremely lucky in having a caring, passionate mother in you. Best of luck - you and your family are in my prayers.
MitzeKatze, I have also been reading this thread since it’s beginning and, although I am a long time lurker, I just wanted to say you’ve done a fab job of handling this. As a mother of an almost 15 year old I have no idea what I would have done in these circumstances but I would like to think I could have done as good a job as you. Your daughter is very lucky to have someone as caring and interested in her life (although she may not see it that way, haha! This is going off my experience of having a teen daughter!) as you.
I’ve been following this thread from the beginning.
MK, You are “good stuff”.
The only thought I have to offer is this: get her a journal. Take her shopping, let her pick one, and buy her some pens and such. She may be able to channel her thoughts onto paper, if she’s assured that her privacy won’t be violated. Resist the urge to violate it!!! I wrote all the time as a young girl, as it was very safe to do so. Then, I’d often take my writings to a rock near a creek and burn them. A journal would have been much nicer, but there’s no way in hell my mom wouldn’t have used it against me. She may also find an artist inside herself if it’s easier to express in scribbles than words.
Another journaling thought. Buy one for the two of you to share. Start out by writing to her in it. Leave it where she will find it. Solid chance that she will “respond”. Don’t forget to use it for positive thoughts as well as scary, frustrating and angry thoughts. You’ll probably find this therapeutic yourself.
Hey, a journal doesn’t have to be fancy. A spiral notebook from the dollar store can work just fine, too. Her “private” journal, though, should either be one she chooses herself, or one that is given to her as a gift.
Love this idea. It may be much easier for her to communicate with you this way.
Well? What’s going on? The suspense is killing me!
Just chiming in to say you’re dealing admirably with a really bad situation.
I know several people have said this already, but please keep up your legal efforts to limit bio-mom’s involvement. It seems from what you’ve posted here that there have been several significant, adverse developments since the last time a court adjudicated on the access issue.
I know it’s frustrating to keep going to court again and again, but I really think you’re paddling against the current if you don’t get access significantly curtailed or eliminated. If your 13 year old daughter is having unprotected sex with adult men with the tacit blessing of bio-mom, I believe any reasonable judge is going to rethink his position on access. If even one tenth of what you’ve posted here is true, I really believe your daughter probably isn’t going to experience any significant improvement if she’s constantly dealing with this toxic influence.
Oooh, Depo is a good choice. I am convinced that the reason it makes such good birthcontrol isn’t that it prevents pregnancy, but that it prevents sex by dimming all the sexy hormones so that sex is the last thing on your mind anyway! It seems to affect a lot of women that way (and me most definitely); not all women, but a lot. Maybe you’ll get lucky in her case and it’ll calm her down a bit. 
One significant problem with that approach is that it could easily make her biological mother’s opinions all the more valuable to the girl and it affirms the mother’s claim of “stalking” and her persecution issues. It’s important for a teenager in this situation to realize that sometimes adults don’t know everything and may not be making sound decisions or giving them good advice. Forbidding contact with her biological mother is only going to make the biological mother seem more interesting. A healthy exposure to her in which the flaws and problems are visible, but not rubbed in would probably be better. And teenagers are not as stupid as many people often think. If I could realize before the age of five that my mother had the brain capacity of a hamster, this girl should be able to figure that the biological mother has many problems and isn’t the person she should rely on for advice.
ZPG, I understand what you’re saying, but in my opinion, what the daughter thinks at this point is a secondary concern. If the bio mom is facilitating sex with adult men, she’s exposing her child to not only psychological but physical danger. Daughter has already shown that she has no common sense or judgment at this point. Expecting her to decipher her mom’s craziness is a bit unrealistic.
Bingo. She’s already had plenty of time to see that her bio-mom isn’t stable. Has she used that knowledge to make better choices? No, she’s taken advantage of it by using that information to do things she wouldn’t otherwise be able to get away with.
I have no parenting experience so take this with the requisite pinch.
It strikes me that as school is a large part of her time and influences maybe it would be worth looking there for some clues to this behaviour. Also if she has been precocious since 12 then possibly her reputation at school may make it difficult for her to turn over a new leaf. Starting again in a new environment away from previous handicaps may help her get more focused on her schoolwork. Just a thought as when I was at high school all the boys knew which girls had a reputation and that reputation stayed with them all through the school even if it was undeserved. ( Then again it was a catholic school and everyone knows what catholic girls are like -insert jokey smiley thing here)
Add me to the list of people impressed with how you are coping.
Sorry about that…some stomach virus hit the Katze household and has kept me from posting or reading too much…
So to catch up on the questions etc. that I have missed, I’ll try to get to all of them but if I miss something just point it out and I’ll fix it. 
First, I wanted to say that journaling and art therapy are both something that my daughter is doing. That began in the hospital, and the day she came home we shopped for a nice leather bound journal for her, and bought her a room full of art supplies (sketching pencils, water colors, oil pastels, etc.). She continued the art for a few days, but hasn’t done anything recently of which I am aware. She tells me every night she is going “off to journal” so I do hope she is keeping up with that at least, but of course I am not opening her journal to check.
Several posts back someone mentioned my own experiences, having a baby so young etc. and how that might be related to my daughter’s current experiences…if she knows how hard that was for me etc. But that is actually part of the problem with her thinking that promiscuity is not so bad. She has even said to me that she knows it doesn’t ruin lives the way she is told because of me. It all worked out for me…eventually. Of course she doesn’t see how hard it was getting to the point of everything “working fine”. So no matter what I say about it, she doesn’t see it as “that bad”. I really don’t feel like I missed out on anything- I had a great support system and a great husband, I still went to college on time, went to work, took care of my baby (with help from my parents and husband) and everything really was okay- just hard. So now it is hard to get the point across to daughter that it wouldn’t be that way for her if she got pregnant so young. For one thing, I was 16 and about to graduate from high school (this is unusual in itself- daughter will be a sophomore at 16) I tested out of some college classes and had taken a few classes in high school (for college credit) so could take a light schedule, I had a job already with flexible hours that let me work around baby and school…just so much that is different from now.
Now as for updates…they are few I think, but daughter did have a therapy appointment on Friday. This was her session, I was just the chauffeur, but I was soon summoned back to “get some things from my perspective” but it didn’t really feel that way. Anyway long story short(er) daughter doesn’t think sleeping around at 13 (now 14! I have to remember to update that age) is a big deal, and therapist doesn’t seem to think so either. Therapist was against pressing any kind of charges against the 18 year old because (1) he didn’t force/pressure daughter into sex- it turns out that according to daughter it was just the opposite; (2) the age difference is not that great- and it’s not chronologically; but emotionally, psychologically and legally it is… So anyway the therapist seems to think that the sleeping around isn’t a problem at all and as long as she is on birth control from here on out everything is hunky-dory in that regard. But I greatly disagree and wonder if finding a different therapist is within the realm of possibilities.
(bolding mine)
Stunning.
Unbelievable.
Yeah… time for a new therapist. Or at the very least, a one-on-two session with you, hubby and the therapist where the therapist explains to YOU just why this is “no big deal”.
Birth control addresses precisely ONE of the dangers in this behavior. Does the therapist not realize there are other dangers? Even purely physical (disease, abuse, rape) ones should cross the therapist’s mind, but what about the psychological ones???
How long has daughter been with this particular therapist? Is there a long history of built-up trust that would be damaged by moving on?
At the very least, you should consider reaching the boys parents and informing them of their sons actions. Tell them you have not decided on legal action, or not, at this time. Tell them you wanted them to be aware of what had transpired, and that, should they choose to share, with you, their actions, in this regard, it may, indeed, sway you from proceeding. And leave it with them.
If this was your son wouldn’t you want to know? Don’t you think your daughter needs to see their are consequences for him, as well?
I could not agree more about the new therapist thing. Do it today.
The therapist approves of statutory rape? :eek::eek::eek:
The therapist might be a mandated reporter.
In California:
I can’t see how stautory rape does not constitute child abuse.
ETA: press charges on the boy and the therapist might need reporting to the relevant ethics board.
Oh - I forgot to say before: it may be too late on pressing charges against the 18 year old - the police already know about it, and you may not have any input into whether they go after the boy or not.
That shouldn’t change the conversation you have with his parents since only you know this.
Wow Mitzekatze,
Does the therapist know that these boys are adults? If so, you have got yourself a real live crank. Even if there’s a history of trust, I think i’d move her…
Damn…