QFE.
The problem is one of jurisdiction. Your local PD and ‘his’ local PD are kinda up against it due the locations involved. The FBI is where you need to have the next conversation.
I should clarify that a bit…they didn’t blow me off altogether because of spring break, it’s just that all their people were busy or taking vacation days, and since there isn’t an imminent threat, the detective they wanted me to talk to has the soonest appointment time on Wed.
That is number one on the agenda. She won’t be doing any internet flirting, age appropriate or otherwise for quite some time. I can’t control her usage when she is away from home, but yes the FB account will be going away in the very near future (as any new ones she creates will as well). I am leaving it up right now just for monitoring purposes while she is away, but I do have the password and I can delete it in an instant on my own (well as much as FB allows deletion anyway). Facebook’s policies unfortunately are for the parents to deal with it, and for the kids to report it to their parents mostly. They really don’t seem to take it as seriously as I (until it is on a much grander scale at least) but I do have some emails sent to them that I am waiting for responses on.
Yeah, our PD seems a bit laid back for my tastes, but they are correct that there is no physical threat to my daughter at this minute. I am sure that if it were more serious- if he arranged to meet her this weekend for example- they’d be a bit more on the ball.
But everyone seems to agree that the FBI is a better choice, so I might give them a call too just to see what they have to say. I know they have a field office in Kansas City (not too far away) would that be the number to call, you think?
I am going to check into that too I think. I know they are very busy and that there are much worse predators out there, but if they think it is worthwhile it certainly couldn’t hurt. I think I’d rather do everything I can right now, and the worst they can say is no, right?
I did just go through his FB page to make screen caps of all the comments my daughter has left him, and it has left me queasy. I knew about his jail time and I knew about the time served before this one, but I didn’t realize how sick this man actually is. He has gone from “single” to “engaged” back to “single” then to “in a relationship” then back to “single” and then “in a relationship” with my daughter all in the course of 10 days and all of his comments about the other girls were similar to what he says to mine. Can she not see that? I love my daughter and I understand what its like to be 13, but she really isn’t the brightest bulb on the tree sometimes. He is also very open on his wall about his most recent arrest and jail time. He was arrested for making (credible apparently) death threats against his own parents. So now he is not only a sicko who likes little girls, but he is a possibly violent sicko…this just keeps on getting worse…
Report Child Exploitation and Pornography:
- Use our Cyber Tip Line or call 1-800-843-5678
- Or contact FBI Crime Against Children coordinators
in our Local Field Offices
I won’t give any opinion on who I think you should contact (it’s the FBI, by the way), but I would *not *tell your daughter anything or take her with you on Wednesday. The moment she knows there’s anything going on, it all goes underground or stops. The former is very bad for your daughter and you. The latter could be very bad indeed for some other poor girl in the future. It sounds to me as if there may be some chance here of stopping a dangerous predator before he does anything (though for all we know, your daughter’s not the first). Tipping him off (through your daughter, who will tell him, because she won’t just break off someone she “loves” and who “loves” her just because her mum’s an old fuddy-duddy who doesn’t understand) destroys one chance to catch him. The next chance may be a body with bite marks. Don’t tell her.
The relationship status might bug me. Every time he changes that it (depending on his settings) makes a wall post on all his friends walls. Either he’s a drama queen (oh she hates me today, I’m single…now she loves me etc…) or he purposely changing it regularly just to remind all his friends about her.
I have her email passwords too (of course) and all of her email gets forwarded to another account so that we can keep an eye if need be. That is something we set up as a condition for her having her own “private” account back when she was only 9 or 10. She was well aware of that, but I think she might have forgotten. That’s how I have seen a lot of the comments that she thought she deleted in time.
I don’t read all of her email or anything like that though (and can’t see her outgoing email that she has deleted immediately after sending) but periodically scan to see who is emailing etc. Now that I am aware of this, I am going back through weeks worth of FB emails, and yes I did miss a lot.
I thought that knowing we were hovering behind her while she was online would be enough to keep her in check. Boy howdy was I wrong! So now everything is being read, and there will be better monitoring software installed when she is allowed to use our computer again (which might be never at the rate this is going!).
It just sucks because her dad and I took a lot of heat from the kids, and from relatives and other parents about how bad it was of us to “spy” on the kids like that and how we needed to learn to let go and not be so overbearing or what have you…and the minute our guard is down, she turns around and acts like this.
I know that it is not entirely her fault (being young and all) and it is not entirely Predator’s fault (because she is in cahoots too) and there is plenty of blame to go around…but I thought we were good parents (and we are strict parents!). To have it all blow up in my face like this. We did everything “right” I thought, but it turns out that maybe we didn’t after all. It makes me question our parenting skills more than anything.
That’s how I am looking at it right now too. The computer, and the FB accounts will go away eventually, but doing it right now would just send her (and him) into further sneakiness. It’s easier to deal with the devil you know…
That’s what I am dreading. This poor child has been through so much already, and this is just going to send her right over the edge again. And the backlash is going to be brutal. But still and all better to have her hating us for a few years than to end up…well you know how this could end up.
I had planned to talk to her the minute she gets home, but you might be right. I am so confused! We have always besn upfront and open with her, so it feels “wrong” to stay quiet, but at the same time, we might not want to tip them off and possibly let him get away with something he shouldn’t nor give her time to work out other ways to make their “relationship” work.
This seems to be the consensus, so I guess that will be my next phone call.
The really disturbing thing about it is that it was all different girls. “in a relationship with…” “engaged to…” and the ones who commented themselves on his wall have profile pictures that look disturbingly like my daughter (the typical “look” that all 13-16 year old girls are sporting these days). Most of those girls have private profiles which I cannot see, but one of them had a public profile that listed her age as 15. Maybe he dumped her because she was too old for him? But it really shows some kind of pattern if they were real.
I have no experience in this area, but “spring break” is not an excuse for not dealing with an endangered minor. Please call the FBI. I would also call the police chief and inform him/ her that a minor is being left in danger because of the lackluster attitude of his cops. That’s not at all acceptable. I’d also request some officer drive bys to feel more secure.
Here is a list of local FBI offices.
Sorry about being hard on you. I didn’t have all the story.
If you want to hear another voice, here’s my “contact the FBI”. One poster above provided a link and another provided a phone number.
The FBI has a division for this specific crime. The guy has been contacting other underage girls as well. If you were a teacher or social worker you’d already be in jeopardy of getting fired or prosecuted for inaction.
Drop the dime on the FBI. Don’t worry, if it’s overreacting they’ll let you know.
If you have her password, can you go into his profile and screencap his friends list? That could be very useful to the authorities in alerting other parents whose children may be in danger.
Jumping on this bandwagon. The child has endangered herself, and needs to lose internet access for a long time. And calling the FBI can’t hurt. The guy may be stalking other children or…worse.
One thing I didn’t notice. You said that your daughter’s friend let her post pictures with her cellphone. I trust you told this to the parents of this kid?
And call the FBI, and failing that, the police department of his town. You just need to find one cops with kids. One of my daughter’s friends father was a cop, and he was incredibly, almost insanely, protective - and we live in one of the safest cities in the country.
Overreacting? Hell no. There are a MILLION red flags popping up all over the place about this guy, and the authorities are going to be able to pick up on those. Jumping on the bandwagon: contact the proper authorities, and do it NOW. Your daughter’s safety absolutely comes first.
Also, this is what you should tell her: “this guy went to jail for threatening to kill his own parents. What makes you think he’ll spare you the same treatment? If he can’t treat his own family well, he DEFINITELY won’t treat YOU well.”
I’d also like to throw out a link to this article, which I think might be good to show her. I know there’s no way in hell you’re going to let her be in an actual relationship with this creep, and you can’t necessarily force her to read it, but I think it presents a nice reality check for young girls dating (or thinking of dating) older guys.
I gotta say the OP is more level headed than me. I’d be tempted to introduce this predator to the end of my baseball bat.
I agree it’s time to turn off the kids Internet and cell phone privileges.
[advice deleted]: I had forgotten that my friend’s situation was different in one crucial respect.
Hooray for Captain Spalding! 
(Of course I still think it best to work quietly, within the law.)
One thing that bothers me is the OP’s comments that her daughter isn’t totally innocent in all this, that she “shares blame” by encouraging the guy, posting photos, etc. The thing is, at 13 you really don’t understand this kind of stuff, so in a sense, she is innocent. And with a bio-mom who thinks what her daughter is doing is cute, you’ve got one very confused little girl. It’s good that she’s already seeing a therapist, and maybe the therapist is the best person to talk to the child, so that she doesn’t end up thinking it’s her fault. Because it isn’t.
ETA: And it is entirely the predator’s fault – don’t give him one second of sympathy. He’s 24 and soliciting a 13-year-old.