WHAT??? Did you not know that Ms. Spears is an expert in semiconductor physics?
I’d love to read an occasional post by the Dalai Lama or Stephen Hawking.
Stephen Colbert would do well here.
Penn Jillette might get himself into trouble with his abrasiveness, but we’ve gotten great contributions from abrasive Dopers before. I’m sure Teller is just as bright, but posting here might be out of character for him. 
Stephen Barrett of QuackWatch is a Doper in spirit.
And maybe it’s just because I’m a diehard fan, but I think there are a lot of Simpsons and Futurama writers that would fit in very well here - particularly Matt Groening, George Meyer and David X. Cohen.
I do not think Mel Gibson would last too long around here.
Back in the days before Kitchen Confidential was published, Anthony Bourdain was a regular in a couple of AOL chat rooms and one AOL message board. He would definitely fit in here.
You know what I would love to see?
I would like to see a poster arrive with a bang. Insightful and well thought out debates in GD, erudite and concise answers in GQ, hilarity in MPSIMS and scathing debilitating wit in the Pit. I would like to see someone show up, and just blow the doors off the place.
Sort of a combination of Scylla, Stranger on a Train and the other well known and respected Dopers all rolled up into one.
Then it comes out that it’s Britney Spears. That would be epic and awesome.
I always had a sneaking suspicon that Small British Shop Owner was really Nicole Richie.
I think Dr. Drew Pinsky would be fun in GD. So would Ralph Nader.
Sarah Vowell would be a cool regular, and fit in. I bet Brad Pitt would surprise a lot of people (Angelina, not so much).
And Bill Maher would get pitted for flaming too much, but he’d have his staunch supporters, too.
Naturals: Click & Clack of Car Talk.
Signs up as Member, posts twice, then disappears forever: Garrison Keillor.
BANNED inside of a week: Tucker Max.
The David Duke-Louis Farrakhan Pit thread would be spectacular. It would make The Rumble in the Jungle and Thunderdome look like splash fights at the kiddie pool.
The people behind “Ann Landers” would collapse into a quivering mass after the fiftieth “Cite?” response to their glurgy ULs in GQ.
Randall Munroe would get some really interesting ideas for comics about this place. Ditto Chris Onstad.
Of course, Terry Pratchett would do very well here. He’s active in at least one Usenet newsgroup right now (alt.fan.terry-pratchett).
Sarah Silverman would be a interesting Doper…
I’d kill to see Eddie Izzard posting here. 
I’ll see your Drew Carey, Penn Jilette, and George Carlin, and raise you a Neil Gaiman.
I am the OP, and I am declaring that the dead ARE allowed!!
No fictional characters, though.
He used to drop by eGullet.com from time to time and was every bit as entertaining as you’d expect. Not sure if he still does, though.
Peter Weller and Richard Dreyfuss, two actors who have enough interests outside of acting to teach other subjects.
I honestly believe that Jonathan Ross is an active doper.
OK, Carl Sagan.
Very erudite, lots to contribute, now that Bad Astronomer has left us.
Quite good at expressing himself, too.
Seems witty.
Carl Hiaasen should be a Doper.
In fact, I think Carl Hiaasen probably is a Doper.
I mean, how could he not be a Doper?
If he’s not a regular poster, then he has to at least be a lurker.
*p.s. Hi Carl! Thanks for all the great books! *
I would cyberstalk Richard Dawkins if he started posting here. Not for any nefarious purposes; I just enjoy reading everything the man writes. Ditto Jon Krakauer, the late Carl Sagan, and the late Douglas Adams.
yeah - Cisco just beat me to Douglas Adams, now that the dead are fair game.
Yes: Berkeley Breathed
No: James Dobson
I came in just to mention Kevin Smith. We already know he posts on message boards besides his own. I think he would love the craziness of this place.
Yes, and we would suck him in with Politics, Bear Reports and especially our Middle Earth threads. He is as big a sucker for Middle Earth as **QtM ** or I.
In fact may we should start a bear thread and try to lure him.
Jim
I think Bill Maher would fit right in.
So would Ben Stein. He would be maddening and supercillious but I could see him being a Doper.
Sean Hannity wouldn’t last a day.
I think Ann Coulter might actually hang around a while just to troll the shit out of people.