What do people do at a wedding?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My wife and I have only ever been to our own wedding, and we didn’t stay for the reception. We’re invited to the wedding of a guy I work with, next month. I barely know him, I’m twenty years his senior, and I’ve never met his fiancee. We won’t know anybody else there, unless some more work folks show up, but I’ve never socialized with them, either. So, we’ll be feeling a mite lost.

Is there a protocol for what to do at weddings? They are being married in an Episcopalian church. I don’t have the slightest idea what an Episcopalian is, and I haven’t set foot in a church in more than 35 years. So what happens when we get there? Is there a sermon? Will there be singing? Sit, stand, kneel, repeat?

What happens at a reception? This event will be held at a country club, the kind of place where I’d have to earn 25 times my salary to join. That’s more than a littie intimidating. We don’t like to drink or know how to dance, and would look and feel stupid doing either. And what of gifts? As I said, I don’t know enough about the groom to know what I should buy him. The invitation didn’t mention anything about a registry or gifts at all, which I thought was extremely classy. We’re leaning toward a gift certificate from a department store. How much is an adequate amount?

I don’t even own a suit. I’ll have to buy clothes to wear there.

Any ideas? Suggestions? This is probably routine to lots of you, but I joined the civilized world late in the game, and this is one of those things I’ve never had to deal with before.

2

Fer fuck’s sake… Welcome (finally) to adulthood.

Get a suit.

Buy a real present, not a gift certificate. Even something small for their house. (Go to a store that knows about these things and ask.)

Don’t be intimidated. Remember the old “they put on their pants one leg at a time just like me” adage.

And as far as the reception goes, enjoy a dance or two (or 3) with your wife. Ask the bride for a dance and don’t feel guilty leaving at a reasonable time (11:00’ish).

That’s my advice: for what it’s worth.

3

The protocol - you sit there quietly, hoping against hope that the officiant will revive the old expression “I charge all of you now, upon your honors, that if any know a reason that these two may not be lawfully joined this day, to speak now or forever hold your peace.” If by an incredible stroke of luck he does, well then, let your imagination run wild! People will always remember you.

4

Ask the guy at work about his wedding gift registry, and buy something off the list! Don’t try and be creative. Get them something you know they want.

5

Well, if you still lived in Canada, I’d say check if they were registered at The Bay. :smiley:

I think picture frames are always nice gifts - no one ever has enough picture frames. I’d say you don’t have to spend a lot of money on a gift for someone you barely know - $40 maybe? I’m not too sure on the dollar figure - I’ve heard that the gift should equal the cost of your dinners, but that seems like a pretty hard to figure out number. It’s usually the job of the family to let people know where the couple are registered - could you email a bridesmaid or something?

Your wife probably knows this already, but the rules for women at weddings is no white, and not too slutty. I don’t know anything about Episcopalian weddings, but I’ve been at weddings from various versions of Protestant (including a Mennonite wedding, conducted entirely in Low German!) and a couple of Catholic weddings, and all you have to do is follow everyone else’s lead. And don’t take communion if you’re not Catholic. It’s usually a couple of songs, a short sermon, the vows, and get the heck outta there.

At the reception, they will probably have a few speeches and toasts, have a nice meal, then maybe a short program of the life story of the bride and groom (condensed, if you’re lucky), then dance and drink the night away. As distant co-workers, you will probably be seated with other co-workers or complete strangers. Leaving at 11:00 would certainly be kosher.

You should probably have a suit or dress pants and sport jacket anyway - everyone goes to weddings and funerals eventually.

6

Nobody outside the family usually knows anyone else at a wedding, so you’re in luck. Just relax, loosen up, have fun. I’d rather have $50 cash than $50 Dillard’s dollars but I’m sure I don’t speak for everyone. Folks usually go with kitchen stuff, you know, a totally rocking frying pan, or maybe a pillow or something. Think of the crap you bought when you moved in with your wife. If you barely know him I doubt he’s expecting something personal, so it might as well be weird.

7

This may have changed a bit in the 25 years since I left that particular faith, but I doubt it. First, the short name for that particular denomination is Episcopal Church. The people in the denomination are called Episcopalians.

An interesting thing about that church is a distinction between “High Church” and “Low Church.” The Episcopal Church is a Protestant denomination with a lot–and I mean a lot–of Roman Catholic tradition. The more formally RC the service seems, the more high church the parish is. I’ve been to wedding services at both high and low church parishes. They run the gamut from what struck me as stilted to essentially free-form.

Part of the Book of Common Prayer has The Celebration and Blessing of a Marriage. It’s really very short (2 pages). There’s one part where the officiant recites, “If any of you can show just cause why they may not lawfully be married, speak now; or else for ever hold your peace.” Don’t volunteer any reason why they shouldn’t be married!

Then, of course, you will have the reception. That can be anything from incredibly formal to a picnic in the back yard.

8

Damn, and after posting all that, I realized I missed the perfect opportunity to get FishBicycle to rub wedding cake on his head and perform a striptease at the reception! Dang it to heck!

9

In an Episcopal church? You do a great deal of sit/stand/kneel/repeat! :wink:
Is it a big wedding? You could always skip the church and go straight to the reception if your uncomfortable. No one will probably notice or you could make up an excuse since you didn’t have a lot of notice before being invited.

We’ve discussed this on the board before regarding gifts. Where I come from cash/gift certificates are acceptable. Other people here have said it’s a no-no.

Don’t be intimidated by the country club bit. Just because they’re having their reception there, doesn’t mean all the guest are members. I used to work at country club weddings and believe me most of the guest are just regular people. Some get pretty wild.

You can get away with not dancing. But you could try a few slow dances with the wife. No one dances well at a wedding. Receptions are usually about 4 hours. One hour for cocktails, an hour for dinner then dancing and the misc. wedding stuff. You could probably leave an hour early and it wouldn’t be rude.

Forgot this bit but generally at least the price of the meal for each. At a country club. I hate to tell someone else, but I’m guessing $50-$100.?

10

The Ceremony
When you arrive at the church, there likely will be a number of helpful young men lounging in the vestibule. One of them will ask you, “Bride or groom’s side?” You say groom. The young man will then offer his arm to your wife; she will rest her hand on his arm, as he leads her to your seats. You follow behind. The young man likely will also give you a program, or there will be one there on the seat. The program will tell you who is singing/speaking/preaching, and will give you something to discuss with your wife while waiting for the ceremony to start.

Follow along with everyone else during the ceremony, although if there’s a point where people are filing up to the front of the church, just remain in your seat, allowing the others in your row to pass you to get to the center aisle. Otherwise, stand when others stand, sit when they sit, kneel when they kneel.

The Reception
When you arrive, the bride and groom, and likely most of the bridal party, won’t be there. They’re getting the rest of their pictures taken. Unless there’s a time gap between the end of the ceremony and the beginning of the reception (I once went to a wedding that had a two hour gap; what in heaven’s name they thought we would all do for two hours I’m sure I don’t know). But generally there will be a cocktail hour or appetizers or something while the photos are getting done. Mingle with people. Talk about how lovely the bride looked, and how nicely the weather turned out, and how different this is from your wedding but it’s nice to see the young people today getting serious about things. :slight_smile:

Then the bridal party will be announced; there may be some dancing for a bit, and some speechmaking, and then food. Or maybe they’ll do the food first, followed by some speechmaking and then some dancing.

In olden times, one could not leave the reception before the bride and groom. Not sure about customs in your neck of the woods, but that’s sure changed. So stay as short or as long as you like, but I’d recommend at least staying through the speeches.

I agree you should give a gift off the registry unless you’ve got something in mind that is personal and unique to the couple (which I suspect you don’t, and also suspect you don’t want the stress of worrying about what to get). Think about the large department stores in your area and check their online wedding registries. You’re likely to find your colleague registered there. Otherwise, ask him where they’re registered.

Buy a suit. Do it sufficiently in advance that if it needs to be tailored, it can be tailored. You don’t need to spend a gazillion dollars, but you should have something like that in your closet just in case.

11

Weddings, like any other social gathering, are an opportunity to meet new people. Broaden your sphere of awareness. Make new friends. Have some fun!

This is a question for what reason? Life has a lot of flavors you’ve likely not tasted. You only get one ride, so enjoy it.

12

Thanks for the information, everyone. It’s helpful to have someone tell me these things, as I’d have no way of knowing otherwise. At my age, most of the people I know are either still married after decades, or divorced. Going to a wedding has never come up before.

It’s weird, I can talk to hundreds of thousands of people on the radio, or get up in front of a stadium full of people and be funny and play music, without flinching. Going to a wedding with strangers, all of whom are hardcore Southerners whose customs I know nothing about, I’m completely out of my element. It’s the same insecurity I felt as a teenager, I just mask it better now (I think). I don’t want to offend anyone. That’s why I’m asking these questions.

13

fishbycicle, ask whether there is a registry. About half of people include that information with the invitation, about half don’t. If possible, choose something that’s both 1) from the list and 2) something you like too.

The weddings I’ve been to, both Over Here and Over There, had the food before the dancing. Dancing is absolutely not compulsory. Usually the dance is opened by the happy couple (often a waltz, which in its most basic form consists of “man turns woman around, shuffling his feet so as not to step on hers, while she follows his lead”). Right after that first dance is a good time to leave; doing it before is considered rude in many places.

You should say goodbye to the happy couple before you leave, but if they’re busy dancing, asking their parents to say goodbye for you is fine.

14

That 2 hour gap was because either the photog was an idiot or whoever was in control of the picture album was a 'zilla.

There is NO concievable need for more formal set pictures that a bride solo, Groom Solo, Bride and groom, her with her parents, him with his parents, all of them together. Everything else can be candids from teh reception, or stuff from the ceremony.

I once went to an event where it was 3 hours - they had to schlep the photog and wedding party to the little park they met at, the street corner where he proposed, some stupid little park where they probably screwed in the caar for the first time … fer craps sake, take the minimal formal ones then if you must have the whole memory bullshite thang, sched a saturday with the wedding party to get dolled up again and do it when you arent keeping 400 people waiting.

15

As for the ceremony, you won’t be the only one not knowing what’s going on. Weddings are a time when people from outside the couple’s faith are asked to join them for a special occasion. You won’t be expected to know what’s going on - the person officiating the ceremony will tell you what to do.

As for the reception, ask where he and his fiancee are registered. Get them something in your price range that you think looks cool. Stay at the reception at least until they cut the cake (that’s the signal the party’s wrapping up). Thank the host/hostess (the names at the top of the invitation) and say goodbye to the bride and groom if you can.

16

Do you want to go? You know, you don’t have to. I wouldn’t if I didn’t know anyone, didn’t own a suit, didn’t dance, and didn’t want to hobnob with strangers. Politely decline and send a gift. It’s perfectly acceptable to take a pass on it.

17

Fake your own death and not show up. OK, that makes it hard to show up to work on Monday, but you could always say you made a miraculous recovery.

18

If it is a Catholic wedding ( a full blown one) take some knitting :slight_smile:
Just relax and follow the crowd.

19

My thought exactly on reading your OP. The couple may just have invited everyone and the kitchen sink from the workplace. They may have done so for a couple reasons. First, it is tricky to decide whom to invite from your workplace. People you don’t invite may feel neglected or insulted. Better to invite the whole bunch, if you can afford it, and let them decide for themselves if they want to come.
The second reason might be that the couple might want to have a grand, grand wedding with hundreds of guests, because they can afford it and want to show the world they can afford it. In that case, you have to decide for you and mrs **fishbycicle ** if the cost of a gift and a suit is worth going.

In your case… you have just recently received the invitation and you haven’t yet replied you were coming, right? So the couple hasn’t yet booked and paid food and seats for you yet. In that case, sending a card saying you appreciate the invitation, that unfortunately you are inconvenienced, and that you wish the couple all the best, really is enough.

You sound really unhappy about all this. No need to torture yourself; just don’t go !

20

What happens when the ceremony is over:

Varies by actual ceremony/church/couple getting married, but it is common to have a recieving line on the way out of the church, and be given something to throw/blow at the bride and groom when they leave the church.
So, don’t be the first to leave the sanctuary, and see if people are gathering outside. (If someone is handing out little bags of birdseed or little containers of bubbles, that’s a strong clue that people should be gathering outside).