Opnions may differ on this one. At my own wedding, about 30 yers ago in Australia, my wife and I were having so much fun that we didn’t want to leave the party. So we started getting messages whispered in our ears about how some of the older people wanted to leave, but they couldn’t leave before us. So we had to make a (relatively) quick get-away.
But, having experienced various weddings, including my daughter’s last year, in my view the priorities are:
(1) get the couple married in due legal form;
(2) everyone enjoy the party;
(3) get enough photos so that 10 years later you aren’t saying “I wish we had taken a picture of so-and-so at the wedding”;
(4) no serious embarrasments (though minor embarrasments that everyone can laugh about afterwards are fine).
So, think of this as an anthropological field trip.
Wear something inoffensive (a conservative suit), keep quiet, maintain superficial chit-chat… And observe. Take notes if you feel the need. Then post/blog your observations of these “hardcore Southerners”.
With a little luck, you’ll innocently throw out some blatant stereotype in your write-up, see it passed around other blogs and web forums, and maybe, just maybe spark a nationwide debate/witch hunt on the topic of regionalism, racism, anti-Episcopalianism or what have you. Maybe even the gold ring of a South Park, Simpsons or Family Guy reference!
Don’t get too worked up over this, though; it’s simply a risk with any wedding.
According to my mother, Grand High Adjudicator of That Which Is Acceptable, this is quite rude. The wedding is the important part; the reception afterwards is just a party, and not socially necessary at all.
The idea of inviting you to the wedding is that they want you present to witness this important step in their lives. Skipping the ceremony minimizes the importance of the occasion.
If you are not comfortable, go to the wedding and skip the reception.
At the ceremony, do what everyone else does. Tell the groom “Congratulations” and tell the bride “You look beautiful - best wishes” in the reception line. Send the gift (there is no set amount - $50, or whatever you can afford) to the bride’s house.
You just dance and socialize at the reception. Other people are also in the same boat as you - strike up conversations about whatever you want to talk about, and they will be grateful for the distraction.
Oh - the going to the reception and not the church thing? Shodan is correct - this is a no-no. A BIG no-no. At least where I come from. If you’re skipping ANYthing, skip the reception. NOT the ceremony.
Hmm, I don’t buy that. It’s a few hours for one evening of your life. So you’re uncomfortable? Don’t worry, it’s all part of growing up and being British. (Monty Python allusion.)
Kids get away with “I don’t want to, and I’m not going,” but really as adults we should have a bit less selfishness. Go, mingle, make small talk, enjoy: life’s too short.
Well, unless you’ve been specifically asked to, it is considered uncouth to “on-air host” the reception speakers.
Seriously, the couple wants you there to share their day. I doubt that–unless you try to guzzle down the entire bar–you would do anything to embarrass yourself or the couple. Most people at weddings are very forgiving of minor gaffes, no matter what disdain Great-Aunt Tillie shows. Believe me, more people are talking about how stuck in the mud Great-Aunt Tillie is than they are worrying about you.
Most people know that not all wedding guests are familiar with the protocol of the specific place of worship in which a wedding takes place, so they’re not going to be too upset if you don’t stand up/sit down/“open the blue book to number 253,” and so on at the right times. Similarly, the reception is a party to celebrate–give your best wishes to the couple (and thank them for the party later), but don’t feel any obligation to dance if you don’t wish to.
I’ve been to a few country clubs in my day, and while many have had “jacket and tie for gentlemen in the dining room” dress codes, that doesn’t necessarily mean a suit. Sports jacket, clean shirt, and tie are fine; and once or twice, I’ve even been able to gain access wearing clean black jeans and black sneakers in addition to jacket and tie. At such times, I do leave my big-buckled cowboy belt at home in favour of something a little less ostentatious, but sacrifices must be made.
Above all, relax and enjoy yourselves. You may find that you have a great time just sitting and talking with other guests–that’s fine too. But make sure you find some time to speak with the couple, as I said above. Regardless of whatever else happens, they wanted you there to share their day.
This isn’t a family obligation. It’s a co-worker the OP barely knows. I don’t think the groom even expects him to come. I certainly wouldn’t put declining an invitation like this in the “selfish” column.
I beg your pardon - after four years of ballroom and Latin dance lessons, we dance VERY well at weddings. Our merengue to “Sexy Back” would knock your socks off.
If you respond that you will go to the wedding (and by extension, the reception), do show up for the reception - if you are counted as going to the reception, the bride and groom will have to pay for your dinner if you’re there or not. If you plan to do the wedding and not the reception, make sure you indicate that on your RSVP. And RSVP ASAP. You know how we get about people not RVSP’ing properly.
Probably, but I do it all the time. Especially when there is a 2-3 hour gap between the church and reception. Unless it’s really small, people don’t notice.
Trust me, as a bartender at wedding’s I’ve watched more people dance than I care to think about and there are a lot of baaad dancers. Especially after a couple hours of drinking and all the white guys get up to dance. Who cares though as long as people are having fun.
I would love to get my husband to take ballroom dancing. I love to dance.
One of the great advantages of having two children under the age of 5 is that I no longer have to go to those ballroom dancing classes! I would love to go, but there is just no time!
It’s an invitation, not a summons. A nice card with an RSVP that you are unable to attend with your gift card enclosed will amply discharge your social obligation. This is not even a close aquaintence, there should be no pressure to attend.
If the reception is at a hotel then they give you a deadline by which your RSVP-ed guests can cancel. After that, you are locked into paying for missing guests.
My parents were furious because the hotel deadline for my sister’s wedding was 2 days before the event and about 5 people cancelled the day of or before, none for emergency reasons and it cost them $130 per head.
I discussed this again with my wife, and we have made a decision. We can’t justify spending $400 or more to buy outfits, and a gift, for part of one day with people we don’t even know, and never expect to know. My wife is losing weight, and she has nothing suitable that fits now. She would have to buy an outfit, and a month later and forever after, it would be too big for her. So we will convey our regrets that we are unable to attend. I will RSVP with apologies, so they won’t have to pay for for our dinners.
I appreciated everyone’s comments, except for one person’s, which were totally out of line. In any case, if it ever comes up again, I’ll have a good idea of what to do.
Oh no, I’m not talking about not attending the reception. I’ve not attended the church ceremony before.
I know it’s tacky but I’ve been invited to out of town weddings and there have been huge gaps in time between the wedding and reception and we’ve opted out of attending the church ceremony.
No, I definitely would never RSVP for a wedding and not attend unless it was an emergency and I’d let them know.
It is considered rude to decline a wedding invitation without a valid reason (of which there are few, the main one being that you have a previous engagement). However, it is also rude to invite people who have no earthly reason for being at your wedding. Coworkers with whom you have no social relationship outside of the office should not be invited to your wedding.
I was invited to a coworker’s wedding several years ago. We were not friends inside or outside of the office. We merely worked together. I wrote a letter saying that I was unable to attend (giving no reason) and sent no gift. Following the letter of the rules of etiquette I was extremely rude, but she never should have put me in such a position in the first place.
I think Maastricht is right, they probably wanted to invite some co-workers and didn’t want to offend anyone else. People are funny, and its hard to seperate your “real” work friends from your “superficial” work friends. Definately send them a card, and if the office is doing anything for him (group lunch or something) be a sport and go along with it.
I beg to disagree, and believe you were not at all rude. You can decline ANY invitation and you are not required to give a reason. These days there is often a postage-paid method of providing a yes/no reply and that’s all that is needed. If you want to be strictly correct, writing a note, simply expressing regrets that you will be unable to attend but thank the hosts for their kind inviation is fine. In the unlikely event someone actually queries you as to your non-attendance you are under no obligation to say why. Just say things like you hope everyone has/had a wonderful time, you were so sorry to have missed it, just couldn’t be there, such a great chap the groom is, ad nauseum.
In the case of the OP, since the wedding is only about a month away, you were probably on the ‘B’ list anyway. Couples often draw up a huge list of everyone they and their families could possibly want to invite. Then they compare this list to the financial resources they want to commit, and adjust the size of the list and/or the expense per person. Once you tell the hall/restaurant/caterer that you’re paying for 150 people, if one of the 150 cancels, you fill in with a last-minute invite from your ‘B’ list.
I haven’t heard of this rule of etiquette (not saying it doesn’t exist), but my time is my own, and I make lots of decisions about how to spend it based solely on whether or not I want to do something, and that includes weddings (not of close family or friends, though). People don’t need to know a reason, either - like fishbicycle said, “I regret I cannot attend” is all they need to know.
I imagine as a bartender you’ve seen plenty of “white man’s overbite” dancing, Caridwen. Maybe you can get your husband to dance lessons by telling him it’s a good workout, which it is. Never mind ballroom - go straight to Latin dancing. That’s the fun stuff.
