Ok, so I gather that it would be very impolite to ask people for money rather than wedding gifts, just as it would be impolite to include registry information with the invitation.
BUT, if someone ASKS where we are registered, would it be ok to say that we have everything we need but donations to our honeymoon would be welcome? Or would that be rude, too?
Hoping for money is OK, but I can’t think of a good way to ask for it.
Refunds on the gifts? Probably gauche.
I believe that including registry information with the invite is okay (I used to print wedding invites back in the 70’s, and seem to recall the occasional small printed card with a ‘Registered at Tiffanny’s’ and such).
Even hinting about money, hjowever, is trashy. Just don’t do it.
It’s certainly not a problem (around here anyway) to include info about the wedding registry with the invites - people don’t have to use the registry if they don’t want to. In fact the Department Store we had our registry at provided special little cards that we slipped into the envelope with the invite when I got married.
I also think it’s a good idea to include your registry info in the invitations. Most people want to buy the bride and groom a gift and it’s so much easier knowing what they want and where to get it.
I think it’s O.K. if someone asks if you’re registered somewhere to say, “No, we looked at the sort of things that the stores we checked had, and we decided that we really didn’t need any of that stuff.” Some people will put two and two together and figure that you need money. Also, you might consider registering at a store that does things you’ll need for the honeymoon (luggage? clothes?).
I would say you should stop at “Oh, the future Mr. Cessandra and I have everything we need already.” and then let them figure it out.
Historically, registry information was never ever included with the wedding invitation. It was assumed that the people who were invited to the wedding were close enough to the couple and/or their families that they would find out where the coule was registered on their own. (You wouldn’t invite someone to your wedding who couldn’t call up your mom and say “Now where are they registered, dear?”)
Meanwhile, it has always been permissible, within that structure, to include registry information in an invitation to an engagement party or bridal shower, because those celebrations, by design, are about the presents. The wedding, itself, is not.
Anyway, asking for, or referencing money, is just tacky, no matter how it’s done. Just let people infer that you’d prefer cash gifts by your lack of gift registration. They should figure it out – but some won’t, and you’ll get electric woks and towel sets anyway. Some of them may even be keepers.
tlw said what I was about to say, and quite well, too.
FWIW, Mr. S and I had a small “quickie” wedding (thrown together within a month – because we decided to just skip the long engagement, and no I didn’t have a bun in the oven 
) and out of a total of 21 guests, only two gave us actual gifts. The rest was cash. Our invitations were handwritten and (rather obviously) we did not register.
Gee, I like being tacky. So much saner that way.
Let your parents (if they’re in the picture) know that you really want cash. Then when people call them to find out what they should get you, your parents can say, “They could really use money to pay for the honeymoon.” This is perfectly acceptable. And as tlw said, no mention of registry in the wedding invitations, only in the shower invites.
Register at the bank!
Ok, I like the idea of just not registering, but also not asking for money. Thank you. My family is big on etiquette, but not big on explaining etiquette. I’d end up just pissing people off and never knowing it.
Another question, if I may? My husband-to-be wants to have lots and lots of people (well, ok, 60 or 70 people) at the wedding because, in his opinion, the whole point of a public wedding is to have lots and lots of people see you proclaim your love for eachother. I, however, am very shy and hate big things. So we were thinking to have the wedding with no reception, then our honeymoon, then come back and have a small reception with just close family and friends (maybe 25 or 30 people). Is that allowed?
I don’t know what’s proper ettiquette.
My sister had a wedding with about 100 people, and then a reception with around 300. Yep, lots of people only got reception invites. (FYI, the chapel was a tiny place, and we pretty much filled it up with 120 people including the wedding party, photographers, etc.)
Your perception of “lots and lots” seems different from mine.
As for what’s allowed, do whatever you want. If your mom doesn’t bitch at you while you’re planning it that way, you should be fine.
(In my experience, weddings are 50% what the bride wants, 48% what the bride’s mother wants, and 2% what the groom wants. YMMV.)
I can understand where you’re coming from, Cessandra, but I think you will have problems if you don’t have SOME kind of reception for everyone who attends the wedding. Even if its just champagne and crackers on the lawn.
Depending on the time of day of your wedding, you could have a very simple and casual stand-up reception, which gives the wedding guests a chance to dress up and actually show off their finery, as well as spend time with both of you. Something like a champagne brunch, or a wedding in the early afternoon when its too early for dinner.
I know I’d be disappointed if I was invited to a wedding and then told to just go home straight after. Not just because I’d be missing out on a free feed 
, but because the whole point of a reception is to celebrate the occasion.
I’d be interested to hear other’s opinions, though.
It occurred to me that if we go on our honeymoon and then have the reception, we wouldn’t be able to put any cash gifts towards the honeymoon. But I don’t really care about that. The only things I care about are having a pretty dress and my kids, and not having a panic attack from all the people trying to talk to me and congratulate me.
Tsubaki, would it be okay, if we, say, put out champagne or wine or something and enough fruit for everyone, and had the reception hall for a couple or hours, but we ourselves weren’t there? I’ve seen brides/grooms leave right after the ceremony before. And the reception hall wouldn’t cost us anything to have because it’s part of the church so I don’t think it would be too much of a strain to have some food for the guests and a “real” reception later.
I don’t want to put anyone off, but I really don’t want a reception with a bunch of people. I would seriously have a miserable time at my own wedding, probably end up hiding in the sanctuary or something.
My wife is very shy (she almost ran down the aisle because she felt very uncomfortable with everybody looking at her) and we found that the best way to overcome this was to make things as informal as possible - no bridal waltzes, no set speeches or MC, we didn’t sit at a head table up the front, just at a table with some of our friends. This relieved a lot of her nervousness and let her relax and just enjoy herself as if whe was at a party with friends. Besides we thought a lot of those traditional things that are done at weddings were a bit tacky.
After our wedding we decided that if we ever got married again (God forbid, once is more than enough) we would simply hire out a pub for the afternoon/evening invite all our friends and family and put $10,000 over the bar - It would be cheaper and certainly easier.
FWIW a lot of the weddings I have been to recently have been more like cocktail parties - drinks and finger food without formal sitdown meals and speeches. Seems like a good idea to me, everybody gets to relax, the bride and groom don’t feel like they have to perform and you won’t be sitting up the front of the room with everybodies’ eyes on you the whole time. Most of these have been in nice hotels/pubs with views (eg over the sea).
Cessandra, I think you’ve got a serious problem here. There’s just no way to hold a big wedding and not have a reception afterwards (or to hold one but not show up yourself). You can explain until you’re blue in the face that you’re shy and don’t like the idea of having to face that many people, but some of the guests just aren’t going to accept it (though they may not tell you so). They’re going to believe that you’re stuck-up and, what’s worse, too cheap to spring for some food. That’s a terrible misinterpretation of your position, but some of the people are going to believe it no matter what. Furthermore, many people believe that if there’s no reception, they don’t have to buy a present, so expect to get less presents.
I think there are only two possibilities for you. First, you can hold a small wedding, small enough that you won’t feel shy at the reception. Or, second, you can have as many guests as your fiance wants (and 60-70 guests is only a moderate-sized wedding, not nearly a large one), but you can hold a very informal reception. Tell people that there will be no reception line, no speeches, no first dance by the bride and groom, no throwing the bouquet, etc. Serve lots of good food and an open bar, but have everything be buffet-style. Have music playing and dancing if you wish. Be there, but don’t feel that you have to greet everyone. Let people walk around, talk, eat, and sit down if they want to.
What is a reception line?