Bold, schmold: I just get to a point with some guys where I would rather chance a “no” than miss the opportunity for a “yes.” Nothing ventured, yadda yadda yadda. Of course, I always have that moment where I ask myself whether he wouldn’t have approached me already if he were interested, but then I get over it.
Half-straight is good enough.
Uncomfortable to where you’d be a jerk? If the ugliest woman on the planet came up to you and asked you out, would you be able to be polite? I ask because “ugly” is highly subjective, and I’m fully aware that some guys wouldn’t mind (in terms of attractiveness) if I approached them, while others might. (No one has ever been a jerk when they’ve turned me down, I’m just wonderin’.)
You know, I hear (and read) things like that all of the time, but if that were truly the case all I’d have to do is ask and any man would trip over himself to take me out. Whenever I hear a guy say “women don’t realize how much power they have over men,” I automatically prepend it with the word “hot.” Many of us are attractive more of an eye-of-the-beholder way, and one of the things I’m trying to get at is how guys feel when someone who isn’t their “type” makes the first move.
What I meant by “first move” was just asking the guy out (or e-mailing him first, in the case of online dating). Once I’m in a situation where full-body groping might occur, I don’t worry about who initiates what.
See, that is bold to me though. (Anyhow, I just wanted to give a shout-out because I think you’re cool.) If I were a guy, I would think it was great. Heck, I’m not a guy and I still think it’s great. I’m working on it. I can now send IMs to guys, so I’m getting better.
Nocturne made the first move on me. Now we are happily married. Even during my single years that was the way of it. I cannot really recall any times where I made the first move. Simply show up at a party/bar/club/whatever and wait. Always worked for me
It’s definitely a terrific thing (only happened a few times, but they were all great). I especially appreciated it because I know how difficult it is to approach anybody. And I was definitely able to be nice to those that weren’t my “type”.
Another reason that it’s great is because the “hint receptor” in my brain appears to be FUBAR. I’m very dense when it comes to this sort of thing.
Growing up, I was a tomboy who didn’t see guys as “boys” ‘till way later than other girls my age. I remember one of the guys saying "I like ">insert name here<’ but I wish she wouldn’t call me all the time…". I guess it made an impression on me - I still don’t like to call a man.
I don’t want to pee in everybody’s Cheerios, but as a straight woman, in my experience making the first move turns you from “girl to marry” to “girl to sleep with”. Obviously I’m ending up with the wrong guys, but early aggression has in hindsight put me in some sort of “mistress” position more times than I’d really like to recall. Obviously these weren’t guys I’d have liked to have a relationship with anyway, considering, but still.
I’d like that too, it doesn’t happen nearly often enough. Go for it, especially since this is match.com we’re talking about - I can’t see any reason not to make contact.
I strongly suspect that a far greater portion of the problem here lies in the mindsets of these men regarding women in general than in the fact that you made the first move. I wouldn’t hesitate to opine that the majority of men think like this anyway. There are plenty that don’t, of course…but there are plentier that do*.
As to “hot”, certainly being in the top tier of physical attractiveness has its advantages (see above), but beyond that, it all depends on the guy. In general, the most I can tell you is what I said in my previous post: “as a woman, not only will making the first move not harm your chances of getting what (whom) you’re after, but will quite likely improve them, and significantly so. In fact, a man who would otherwise take little notice of you might just be persuaded by your boldness into an active interest.” Note the many 'might’s and 'maybe’s. If you’re a short voluptuous brunette and he’s exclusively into tall skinny redheads, you don’t have a prayer no matter what you do. If, however, you fall into that middle range known simply as “women” – quite a wide area for most men – you’re not screwed from the get-go, but you’re going to need to do something to make yourself stand out. Taking the initiative is as good a method as any to accomplish just that. Bottom line, I’d wager that, if you aren’t definitively unappealing to him and you do make the first move, he’ll at the very least be flattered enough to be far more receptive to whatever you have to say.
*Yes, I made up “plentier”…but it works so well! Try it. You’ll like it. Your satisfaction is guaranteed, or your grammar back.
The discomfort comes from not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings or embarass them. Of course I would be as polite as possible, but I would still feel bad.
I think it’s great. I’m shy and I hate playing games with people, so if someone’s interested in me and is willing to say so in spite of the social prejudice against it, that’s two points in her favor: she’s honest and isn’t worried about what people think. Also, she clearly has excellent taste.
I was asked out a couple of times (and was seriously disappointed when I learned, years later, that I had not been asked out by a couple of (really nice) women because they were afraid I would not approve–I only found out after they had married other guys).
