Women making the first move

Inspired by this thread: Asking someone out - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board

I’m curious what everyone thinks about women making the first move, or asking a guy out first.

I have been lectured by some of my friends to never make the first move and ask a guy out directly, that if he’s interested he’ll ask first. And yet I’ve had other friends who tell me this is a silly old fashioned tradition and women should feel comfortable making the first move and asking someone out.


If I’m interested in a guy, I’m making a move. Anyone threatened or turned off by that isn’t the guy for me, anyway.

Do whatever you feel like doing. And just for the sake of amusement, take note of whether your Rules-following friends date much.

Out of the dating game for a long time, but I always appreciated the lady making the first move.

Absolutely go for it! Perhaps ‘back in the day’, women were expected to be passive when it came to matters of romance, lest they show their prurient side. In today’s world, it’s all about female empowerment. Coming from a guy’s point of view, I would say it’s a Very Good Thing when a woman knows what she wants and takes the initiative to get what she wants.

I’ve probably been the asker as much as I’ve been the askee. Although, being newly divorced does make the whole dating scene seem a bit scary.

I have taken note of the friends who do and do not follow the ‘rules’, and it seems like the results are pretty mixed. Dating in general seems very hit or miss.

I’ve had maybe a half dozen romances/relationships in my life, and all of them were initiated or greatly accelerated by me being the aggressor. All except one of those turned into long-term or satisfying relationships.

Arguably, it was by necessity, because I like nerds and nerds tend to be more shy, oblivious, and clueless, but I could not just sit back and wait for life to happen.

Yes, please.

Ha ha, ditto. I have a thing for geeks/nerds, I cannot deny it. Of course, I am also fairly nerdy myself, but I’m bold enough to risk rejection to make the first move, as long as they can keep up with me from there. :wink:

Bingo. If you wanted a particular job, you wouldn’t just gaze longingly at the ad and hope they call. When you want a new purse, you don’t stand in the middle of the accessories department and wait for one to choose you.

Life is short, and I ain’t always gonna be this pretty. If I want to go out with a guy, I’m going to ask him. Usually he says yes. If he says no, I don’t take that as a statement about my worth as a human being. I just assume that he’s crazy and I dodged a bullet. :wink:


I did - and now I’m with the cutest, most wonderful man - we celebrate 2 years next month.

I’ve heard way too many guys bemoan the fact that they later found out a girl was interested in them but they had no idea. Guys will be the first to admit that they can be clueless about the things us gals consider “big hints.” And even if they do get the hint, they will talk themselves out of believing that it really WAS a hint.

It’s a strange, crazy world. But a heck of a lot more fun if you don’t wait around for someone else to ask you to dance. Just dance and let them dance along.

I always thought it was a silly tradition, but rarely had the guts to do anything beyond flirting. Then I got over it and made some fairly obvious first moves on a guy (let’s face it, I am frequently attracted to introverted, overly analytical geeks, so if I didn’t do it, odds were better than decent that nothing would ever happened). Worked out splendidly - we got married a few months ago. :slight_smile:

HURRAY! That’s so awesome! :smiley:

I’m totally with ya, DianaG, but here’s what concerns me.

I have a terrible track record with being the initiator/aggressor. (I am female, if that’s relevant.) I’m very much a go-get-it-don’t-sit-back-and-wait kind of person. I have been asking out friends – not randoms I meet in bars, but people I’ve actually known for a while. I’ve even managed to get a couple of dates. Then the guy blows me off (currently, I’m something like 0 for 5) and I’m left wondering wtf I did. So I ask my guy friends (some married, some single) and they all say, “It’s all about the chase. You need to sit back and let him come to you.”

So what happened to this, “Please ask us out, we’re guys and we want you to?”

What I’m saying is I find I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. Is this another thread, maybe?

The last two guys I’ve actually had sex with or just made out with, I’ve been the aggressor.

Considering how clueless I am about whether a woman is interested in me, I’d really appreciate it if she would make the first move. It’'s much less painful than being repeatedly hit over the head with a clue-by-four, which seems to be the only thing that ever worked with me.

Dogzilla, have you tried asking the guys you went out with what went wrong? If you were friends to begin with, you should be able to talk about it a little.

I don’t really know what’s going on there, except that it’s likely a difference in expectations. I’ve never in my life gone looking for a boyfriend (although I’ve generally been okay with happening upon one), I was only ever looking for some fun, and that’s usually what I got, with mutual understanding of that expectation. When we were done, we both knew why we were done (and frankly I ran through the guys I already know years ago :slight_smile: ).

Dogzilla, if you need practice, you can ask me out anytime.

I was actually told by one guy after asking him out that he preferred to be the one who initiated or was ‘in charge’. I was kinda surprised too since whatever I suggested had been super casual, like ‘let’s have coffee’, not ‘please let me bear your children’.

I’ve been about half and half, being the initiator versus being the one asked out, and I’ve probably been rejected as many times as I’ve rejected someone else.

I think it’s hit or miss on meeting someone you really get along with. Someone may initially say yes to a date, but after a date or two, maybe they just don’t feel it, or maybe the expectations don’t match up. I’ve had guys ask me before when I’ve said I wasn’t really feeling it, and sometimes it’s a very hard thing to pinpoint besides just having a feeling that things wouldn’t work out.

I certainly wouldn’t give up. You’re a lot more damned if you don’t try than if you do. At some point something will click. At least, this is my hope… :stuck_out_tongue:

We’re often just as clueless though. I’ve been very sure in the past that someone was into me only to be told otherwise. And on the flip side, I’ve had someone who I thought hated me who it turned out had a crush on me. What gives?

I don’t really think it should rely on one gender or the other initiating things, but more of a, if it feels right go for it kind of mentality.

I think your friends are overthinking this. If you want to make a move, go ahead; if you don’t, don’t. There’s no right answer; it depends on who you are and what kind of interaction you’re looking for.

Either way, you’ll learn if the guy is compatible with the way you are.