This has never happened to me before. A little background: I live with my SO of 11 years. We are not married and have different last names. Yesterday we got a wedding invitation that was addressed to Mr and Mrs. [SO’s first name] and [My first name] [My last name]. I had no idea who the person was, and since it had my last name (not my SO’s last name), I opened the envelope. Picture of the smiling couple on the front, but nope, I don’t know them at all.
I thought and thought, and my SO was right there wondering along with me. Finally a light came on in his head - it is a girl he barely knows from work. The company he works for has about 4,000 employees; there are about 150 people in his department alone. He says he has talked to this girl a few times, but that is it. I don’t know her at all.
We can’t make it to the wedding or dance, we have something else going on that day. Are we still obligated to get them a gift? This whole thing is just really weird to me. I have never received an invitation to a wedding for someone I don’t know, and my SO knows barely.
You’re never under any obligation to give someone a gift, unless you’re at a party where gift-giving is the whole point of the occasion, like a shower. Not for weddings, birthdays, Arbor Day, graduations, or anything else. (One would certainly hope that gift-giving isn’t the whole point of a wedding, etc., anyway.) People often wish to mark such occasions with gifts, but these are purely voluntary.
Getting an invitation from someone you’ve never met, your SO is vaguely familiar with, and who gets your names wrong…such an occasion demands only that you promptly send your regrets.
Of course decline the invitation and just send a card. But I’m wondering…I had a hard time following the ettiquette of finding out the names of girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances, etc. of people I was inviting to my wedding, since you are not supposed to write …“and guest”. So how did this girl find out your full name? Even if she barely knows your SO, she would know his last name before she knew yours. Maybe she made a mistake and just omitted his last name (you can get pretty tired writing out all those envelopes) but how did she know your name? Or even for that matter, the address? If they aren’t all that close, how did she know enough to know where to send it? Is there a company directory?
In most companies, yes, there’s a directory, or at least a phone list. When Dr.J was in med school, the directory not only had your name and number, it had your address, email, and the name of your spouse or emergency contact. I think it might even have had your permanent address in it, but I don’t recall for sure. I do know that I could go into our computer system and find addresses for every one of my coworkers, if I so desired.
Besides, this is the digital age. If you know someone’s phone number, you can do a reverse-lookup in about 10 seconds and find their address. And if the phone is in the SO’s name, you’ve got her name, too.
Boscibo
and
Boscibo’s SO
regret exceedingly
that they are unable to accept
the very kind invitation of
<Coworker>
for <date of wedding>
if your SO sees the person around work, he should give the couple your best wishes, etc. But, no, getting invited somewhere does not mean you’re obligated to give a gift.
Thanks everyone. I honestly don’t know how she got my name - I used to work for the same company, and while I like to think I am still legend there, I’ll bet my SO gave her my name. He was honestly surprised to be invited to this girl’s wedding, but he is very open about where he lives and will tell anyone where he lives (he loves to show off our yard & garden). He’s a very open person and will talk to anyone about anything.
I don’t know - he said he was surprised to be invited. She might have worked with him at one time, but I have never heard her name mentioned. I know most of his closer co-workers, I meet them at the bars sometimes after they get off work, and we are invited to their celebrations and events. I’m sure if he knew her better (as in we are obligated to attend the wedding) I’d know about it, and at least know of her.
If you are sorry to bring it up tbecause there might be some other closeness implied - my SO is near 50 years old and this girl looks to be in her early 20’s.
You don’t have to go. We had a project manager in a company I worked at who invited the whole team (5 of us) to her weding. Go get some freaking friends. Don’t invite people you’ve know for 3 weeks.
A woman where I work recently got married for the second time and sent invitations to almost everyone at work, along with the locations of where she had registered for gifts. Some of these people barely know her, but they all felt obligated to buy a gift. She also sent out an email asking if anybody knew of a hotel that could accomodate her out of town guests for a discount (knowing full well that one of the people at work has parents who own several hotels here in town) and she got him to cough up a bunch of discounted rooms.
It has been 6 weeks and I still have no thank you for the gift I sent to her. Maybe it is too soon to expect one?
I really hate the office BS that has people inviting you to graduations of kids you have never met, to weddings for people you only barely know, and requests for donations for whatever or for someone in accounting who you once said hello to and now they are pregnant and “everyone” is collecting for baby gifts. I just got an invitation today for a political fundraiser for “only $100” taking place next Friday.
My advice? Spend the money for a stamp and a card and say, “Best Wishes”…but don’t go to the wedding or buy a gift.
