I got invited to a Wedding (reception)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A great couple I know is getting married in May. The guy is my manager and the girl is my co-worker. My manager is a great guy, when I was a newbie at work, he made sure I learned everything right, and was patient in teaching me how to do things. The girl is a fun and nice to talk to during the long hard hours of dealing with stupid customers. They’re a great couple indeed. They’ve been planning to get married since before I was hired. I guess it’s common courtesy to invite all the co-workers.

This will be the first wedding reception I go to alone. I wasn’t invited to the wedding itself, just the reception, and it’s just as well because they’re religious and are holding the ceremony in a church. I feel really uneasy in churches. Anyay, this will be the first time that I will attend a wedding alone. I’m still quite young, so I never knew anyone that was getting married that my parents didn’t know. So, all the previous weddings and wedding receptions I’ve attended, it was always with my parents and they took care of gifts and cards and what not.

So, here’s the problem, I have no clue what kind of wedding gift to get them. Do I even need to give a gift for a reception? On their RSVP card, they ask how many people will be attending, and I get the feeling that they gave me the invitation expecting only I was the only of my “party”, so would it be rude to write “2” on the little space and bring a date? I mean, I’m not worried about not knowing anyone, because they’ll most likely seat me with my other co-workers, but what if they bring their significant others and I’m the only one alone?

Also, the couple (and myself also) are Chinese, and although we’re the type that’s basically assimilated into western culture, there are still some things we do a bit differently. Example: It’s tradition that if the bride is the inviting you, there’s a certificate along with the invitation to a bakery for a dozen of whatever they sell there. I didn’t get a certificate, so I guess it’s my manager that invited me. I don’t know, I feel a little uneasy because this will be the first time I attend anything of this sort without my parents. The biggest thing I fret about is the gift. My parents typically use one of those red evelopes and put money into it and give it to the newly weds, but it’s one of those things that older people do. It would be really weird if someone my age gave them that.

Any help from my fellow 'Dopers on ideas, suggestions, advice, or just plain retelling stories?

2

I’ll give you strictly westernized advice, so take what you will.

If the invitation was addressed to just you, not “and guest” do not include someone else on your RSVP. They had to buy RSVP cards for everyone and those spaces are there for when the invitation is addressed to (for example) a family of four but only two will show up.

Don’t feel slighted by being invited to the reception only.

You are *never * required to buy a gift for anyone but I would if I were you. Inquire where they are registered. If they are not registered anywhere (which I would find odd just from my experience) you can always go with something either homey like kitchen-ware, or a vase or picture frame from a department store and include a gift receipt (so they can exchange one of the 47654 vases and picture frames they got).

Send the gift separately, do not take it to the reception. Not everyone has a gift table at the reception (many consider them tacky). Get their address from work and have the gift sent directly to them. Places like McRaes, Macy’s, Sears, they should all be able to do this.

Finally, put a calling card in the gift somewhere with your name on it. On the back should be your address. I’m guessing that since you don’t have alot of experience alone at weddings that you don’t have your own calling cards. You can make some if you feel the need. The main thing is being able to give the bride and groom your name (so they know who the gift is from) and address (so they can send a thank you note) without actually coming out and saying “Here’s my info. Where’s my thank you card?” Since you all work together I think this might be avoided altogether.

What else you got for me?

BTW - these are all customs from weddings I’ve gone to (Deep South, upper middle class WASP weddings). The advice, I’m sure, will be varied and there are no laws that tell you what to listen to so if someone tells you something different and you feel more comfortable with that please do what makes you comfortable.

3

As a slight follow-up, don’t ask the bride or groom about a gift registry. Ask the parents of one or the other (or the BM/MOH, if you can find them).

Plus, a gift registry is always a convienence, never a demand.

If the B&G have a good sense of humor, give them Etiquette Hell’s book of bad wedding incidents.

4

If you can’t think of anythibng to buy, would you consider making a donation to their favourite charity?

5

I neglected to mention this. Thank you.

6

I always give money and there’s usually a little box at receptions for envelopes.
Usually, you should give at least as much as what you think your meal is costing.

Coming from someone who had to pay for their own wedding, there’s no gift like money.

7

Definitely don’t invite a guest unless your invitation said “and guest.” Unless there is a specific dress code mentioned, or a traditional Chinese outfit for weddings, dress nicely but not too formal. (I don’t know your gender but no prom dresses or tuxes). A tie and dress shirt, pants and a blazer are almost always appropriate for a guy; for a woman, a suit or a dress or very nice pants and blouse will work.

As for the gift, my husband and I chose to have people donate to specific charities in our name, but every couple tends to have their own thing so try to find out what that is. If they have a registry, you can use that. If not, you can just get them a picture frame, etc. You might also consider something more personal. Is there a restaurant near them that they like? A gift certificate there is kind of cool. We got a couple of these and loved them. If you know where they are going on their honeymoon, you can get them a nice book about that–not that they will read it before they go, but when they come home it might be a reminder of the trip. A picture album is cool, too. I tend to use cash as a last resort. I know the rule is to cover what your meal costs, but for some people that is a really unreasonable sum of money. Do they have pets? We got a bunch of dog treats for our pup and we loved that our friends were thinking about him. (We’re sad that way!)

You didn’t ask for etiquette questions, but make sure you don’t drink too much at the reception. In the receiving line, congratulate the couple, tell her she looks lovely and thank the parents (or whomever is hosting the wedding). Most importantly, even if you don’t know the people you are seated with at the table, be friendly and dance if someone asks you to. (If there is dancing, I mean!)

Many people are using sites like theknot.com to list details about the wedding, etc. You can see if they are registered on there and it might mention some preferences the couple has, or the honeymoon destination.

It was nice of your manager to invite the whole office. I wouldn’t have!

8

Really? I’m Chinese. I’ve never heard of the bakery certificate tradition. What else have Mom & Dad been holding out on me?!

If you don’t want to ask them directly about a registry, check weddingchannel.com. They carry the registries from a bunch of larger retail establishments. I like the gift certificate option, especially if you know that they have a favorite restaurant or store.

Oh, I second having your gift mailed to them directly, and putting in a business card or card with your name and address inside the wrapping. My husband was organized and had all the guest addresses on a spreadsheet, but a couple of people tucked in their information (at least their names) in the gifts and made it that much easier to identify who gave us what for the thank you cards.

9

The Bay has a fantastic gift registry system (I seem to recall that you are also in Canada, 7 Up). You go to one of the touch screens in the good china/crystal section of the store, type in their names, and if the gods are smiling and they’ve registered with The Bay, you can see all the things that the couple have picked for themselves that are still available to purchase (when other people buy things from the gift register, it comes off the system to prevent duplication). If you can go this way (and it is by far the easiest way to buy wedding gifts), make sure you tell the cashier it’s for a wedding present so she can de-register your gift.

I like the idea of sending the gift in advance. That saves you the trouble of carting it around in your nice outfit on the big day, and not knowing if they’ll have a gift table or not. As for an appropriate outfit for a co-worker’s wedding, you can’t go wrong with a dressy pantsuit. I don’t know if this is a Chinese tradition or not, but most people consider it tacky to wear a white outfit to a wedding. Kind of like you’re trying to compete with the bride, I guess. It used to be tradition to not leave before the bride and groom, but that one’s kind of fading away. We had to clean up our hall ourselves the night of our wedding, so we had to stay till everyone else left.

Other than that, go, be on time, don’t drink too much, and have a great time.

10

Thanks for all the tips. I could use more etiquette ones though. The reception is actually going to be held at a Chinese restaurant, and as far as I know, it doesn’t have a bar or anything. Most of the time, people just drink what they’re served.

The workplace is a little… different. It’s definately not an office. I’m one of those minimum wage slaves that runs around like a monkey serving customers. The manager getting married is actually the boss’ son, and about half of my co-workers are family members. So, he’s basically just inviting half the people there. I have no doubt that I’ll be seated with my co-workers, so I’m not worried about not having anyone to talk to.

I’m not sure about the gift registry. I asked the manager’s uncle about it today, and he said that if I can’t figure anything out, I can always get them a gift certicate, but I’m one of those people who are a little iffy about gift certicates. I see them like cash, and will only use it as a last resort. A picture frame sounds great, except a co-worker mentioned that it would be better if I was closer to the couple and actually had pictures of them to put into the frame before I gave it to them. I don’t know about that. I definately don’t want to give household items because I think they’re things they should pick out together.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions, and keep them coming. :slight_smile:

11

I’m not Chinese, but my husband is, so I’ve attended many Chinese weddings. At least around here, it’s not weird for anyone, young or older, to give a red envelope. We’ve been givng them ever since I’ve been invited to his family’s events. What would actually seem weird would be if anyone gave a gift that wasn’t either cash or gold jewelry ( and the jewelry seems to be only close relatives). I suggest you ask your parents- they will probably know what’s expected.