So what kind of things do you look, or hope for, in a relationship with a SO?
It’d be nice to know your gender as well.
Well, I tend to ask the important, profound questions like “What’s her boob size?” and “Does she put out?”
After a few dates, I move on to spiritually deeper questions like, “How long do I actually have to wait until she puts out?” and go from there.
Nahhh, seriously, though, it comes down to trust, compatibility and understanding. I’m a geek, and I’m only really attracted to other geeks. I had a few wildchild relationships wayyyy back in the day when I was thin and life-stupid, and while they were a lot of fun, they always left me cold. Mrs. Fresh is a fellow geekster who understands full well why I feel the need to spend my days off in bookstores or hours at a time engrossed in a foreign language grammar book after a full day’s work.
At the same time, I understand her need to fix every goddamned thing in the house herself, completely rewire our computer network every few months, and watch soaps even after she knows what’s going to happen, because she read all the pages with the official spoilers. I understand. It drives me up the motherfucking wall, but I understand. Except for the soap thing. I don’t understand that. I mean, why does she watch it even when she knows exactly what’s going to happen? And where’s the suspense in seeing someone die when you know that character is going to be brought back to life in a few seasons like that Buffy gimmick repeated over and over and over again? Seriously! That’s messed up!! But other than the soap thing, I understand.
We also trust each other. We get mad, but we don’t cross the line. We don’t cheat, we don’t say shit we know is going to hurt the other, and we just work stuff out. We’ve been together for a long, long time, well over 15 years, so we know what’s cool and what isn’t. We know who the other is, warts and all, and we accept that, because we each have that goofy weirdness that made us fall in love all those years ago. Deep down inside, I truly believe that goofy weirdness is what’s kept us together all these years. No one else on the planet could possibly understand either of us, because we’ve warped each other so that they fit into our own freaky little moulds.
That’s it, basically. We’re alike, but not so alike that we’re carbon copies, and while we have the ability to piss each other off, we don’t take it too far.
Wow, that’s really quite beautiful. You should have Mrs. Fresh read that. It’s also heartening, because while I married my husband just a few months ago this totally sounds like us. Or, at least, where we’re heading given sufficient time.
For the OP, my husband says he knew I was the one on our third date. I took some convincing, though. Aside from the intangibles of our particular chemistry, the things that truly won me over in the end are:
[ol][li]He accepts that I cry often and at the drop of a hat and is willing to hold me while I cry it out and and then talk about it.[/li][li]He adores my body, every inch of it, and refuses to let me criticize anything about it frivolously.[/li][li]He apologizes immediately and sincerely when he realizes that he’s said or done something hurtful. It helps that in the process he happens to look like a repentant puppy anxious for forgiveness. :)[/li][/ol]
There’s lots of other stuff, of course, like the rhyming bad pun game we play in bed at night to help each other relax enough to sleep. But those three are what made me realize I’d be insane to let this guy get away.
I’m sure my thoughts will closely match those who have posted so far.
What do I look for in a relationship? Or rather, what did I look for and continue to look for in my relationship with my wife?
I looked for and continue to expect her to accept me as I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t want her to make me a better person, because I do. To me that is part of a relationship. Relationships are supposed to make the both of you better people, while still respecting each other.
That is what I have with my wife. We love and respect each other. We care enough to want the other to be the best person they can be. That means being brutally honest at times and also being willing to listen when it counts. I am a better person now than I was before I met my wife. She played an integral part in making me who I am.
I’m afraid that my answer won’t be helpful in the least.
My one and only metric for judging any relationship is as follows:
Am I happier in than I was out?
If the answer is no, then the immediate follow up is “Why am I sticking around then?”
I married my husband when it became clear that I was always going to be happier with him than without him. Even when he’s a pain in the ass.
I am a giant sap so it really boils down to one thing…
Do I have to keep pretending around this person? Can I just be…me. If she can stand the basket case that is me. Boom, around forever.
First, I’m female and have been married five years, but have been together with my SO for nine.
Second, when starting out our relationship, what I enjoyed the most was the easy conversation between the two of us. He was smart and witty and seemed to think the same of me, so we could talk for hours (and still can) about anything at all - politics, religion, Britney Spears - and never get bored.
After that, it was trust. There are some things we don’t talk about, yes, but when I do talk to him, I feel I can be blunt and direct and he won’t get offended or just leave. And he knows the same is true for me. No matter how ticked we get at each other, we still love each other and we know what not to say to destroy the other person. And we don’t say it. Ever.
There’s also a large element of attraction. Even after nine years, some weight gain, one kid and one on the way, he thinks I’m gorgeous and says so. Even though he’s gained weight and is losing his hair, I feel the same about him.
I also really like his quirks, and I like that he has them. There are things he does that drive me a little nuts (he chews louder than anyone I’ve ever met and can get so hypnotized by television he forgets to sit down), but those are secondary to all the other little stuff he does that’s just part of him.
I am male.
I look for a woman to whom I am attracted physically. She need not be “hot”, but there must be some attraction.
I look for someone who can make me laugh. I know that sounds trite, but it is rare for me to laugh out loud and someone who can do that works for me.
I look for someone who make me feel special. One woman that I was in love with would send me cards unexpectedly, just to tell me she was thinking of me. It always made me feel good. If I had an important appointment, she would always follow up to see how it went, that was nice.
I look for someone who wants to be with me, but isn’t too needy. I look for a woman who isn’t going to freak out if the waitress appears to be bending over to show me her cleavage - if I’m with you, I’m with you. You need not worry.
And I like a woman who likes sex. I shouldn’t have to always initiate it.