I saw this right before I got married. So tempting. So stupid.
The only on-topic thing I have to say is:
'I love you"
‘Really? Then why did you marry me?’
Seemed funny at the time. In my head. Not so funny outside my head.
Q: What do you say to “I love you”?
A: I can see that, but please get off of my leg!
I think it’s funny, too.
Mr. Neville has been known to talk to me when I am asleep (I talk in my sleep). I usually say something profound and romantic like “Don’t let the kitties out the window”. 
I love you too.
We’re a)newlyweds and b) horribly couply anyway, so my husband and I probably have an “I love you”, “I love you too” moment several times a day.
We’re pretty vomit inducing, I’d imagine.
[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya]
Complete with Spanish accent: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
QUOTE]
That’s hilarious. I’ll keep my opinion of your estranged to myself.
You say “Well, I’m glad we got that out of the way,” if you’re Sean Connery as James Bond talking to “Tiger” Tanaka in the movie You Only Live Twice.
Ms. D_Odds or Jr. D_Odds, “I love you.”
D_Odds, “What do you want now and how much is it going to cost me?”
This is what I’ve observed between my parents.
Dad: I love you, honey.
Mom: Yeah, could you pass me that bowl over there?
I’ve lately started saying to my girlfriend, at odd intervals and apropos of absolutely nothing, “Have I told you lately how much I love you?” Her latest response, when I said it during a momentary lull in an IM conversation, was “No, but you can spend the next weekend you visit telling me.”
As a joke, “What’d you do now?”
This has got some serious overtones though. I had a girlfriend once who called me up, “just to say I love you,” and eventually confessed that she’d called because she’d kissed an ex-boyfriend of hers. She’d moved back to southern California just about a month earlier and met up with some of her old friends and acquaintances. Fifteen minutes later, she called me to tell me that she hadn’t just kissed him, though they didn’t have sex. That was my most memorable lesson about two things: 1) Sometimes people say nice things because they feel guilty and, 2) Many women have this need to confess their sins, no matter how painful it will be for the man. Can’t you just be like a guy, suck it up, and live with the guilt? That’s your punishment, take it like a woman!
Alternate joke, “I know. What’s wrong with you?”
Me: I love you.
Girlfriend at the time: sigh I knew you were going to say that. You’re so predictable.
Yeah, that was a high self-image day for me, obviously.
Disclaimer: She was kidding - there were no hard feelings.
~ Isaac
Me: I love you.
My Darling Marcie: So what, I lust you.
Me: I love you.
MDM: Wanna get a room?
MDM: I love you.
Me: Yeah? Prove it.
MDM and I are just a couple of giddy jokers.
A lot of it depends on the who is saying it and why he or she is saying it.
If it is my wife of 20 years, I hug her and kiss her on the forehead (I feel nothing more needs to be said - to verbally answer demeans the emotions she expressed).
If it is a student or coworker and said seriously, I sit her or him down and say, “That’s sweet and wonderful and I care for you, but I am very much in love with my wife and I would never do anything to endanger that.”
If it is one of my children, I cry like a baby and try to distract him or her with something I see outside or on television so they don’t see that the old man is a total softy.
…I know you do, but I still have to punish you.
I got this one sort of in an anonymous written note:
Dear Quizot:
I love you.
Signed,
Me
Tell Mr2U I love him.
Me? Twice it was unexpected, twice I said the dumbest thing possible…“I love you too”. Twice it didn’t go well (although I did get one good friend out of it.) This time I said it. And took it back before he had a chance to say anything. Then he said it. Then I said it. Now we pretty much go with “I love you too”. Seems to be working.
“Aww, I love me too”, “thank you”, “uhuh” followed by me looking up from whatever I’m doing and then going back to it, “yeah, yeah, yeah”, or “Love you too.” I find random people say they love me when they really like my sense of humor, so the first one usually works.
I’ve been known to reply with “Oh yeah? You and what army?”
It’s all part of my boyish charm.
I sometimes respond, “Oh? Well, I’m sort of fond of you, too. A little, you understand. Not a lot.”
Or
“Yeah, well, it was still marriage under duress.”
Or
“That’s nice. You still have to do the cat litter.”
We usually say ‘I love you’ about ten to twenty times a day, so there’s lots of room for smart-ass comments in between all the sappy ones. If he’s feeling snarky, Mr. Lissar usually just says “Uh-huh”, or “I knew that”, or, “Why did I marry you again? Who are you?”.
Aside from “Love you too”…
“LIES!” But then, we’ll say this about anything. “I’m running out of seltzer.” “LIES!”
“Noo, you are the one who is loved.” Debate ensues.
“I love…[variable].” Such as cheese.
A friend (and ex) would sometimes say “What’s not to love?”