“OK, I think people that can’t take ‘no’ for an answer are pushy. And I NEVER date pushy people.”
Let’s face it anyone who wants a reason “why” is looking for an excuse to mend their bruised ego. It’s not like they’re gonna take that as a life lesson and apply it to correct a personality flaw.
It’s much easier to take rejection if you can blame it on the other guy for being superficial or it being a reason you can’t change.
But in the end, you’re still in the same square as before.
Not the best line but the one I most often hear is ‘Sorry. I am not looking for a relationship right now.’ It’s great for avoiding ego damage until you see them dating somebody the week after >:O
One time I asked for a second date after a phenomenal first date and was turned down. I asked why, she said there just wasn’t a spark there, which surprised me. I was hurt, but accepted it. Sometimes there’s just no reason other than that.
Oh come on… That can be something said in all earnestness and honesty, and then things just happen. There was a guy interrogating me once when I declined to get to know him better who was pushing the whole “You don’t want a relationship, riiiight… So am I going to see you here next week with some guy’s tongue halfway down your throat?”, like he thought he had some right to expect me to maintain a period of celibacy after I turned him down. No, I wasn’t looking for a relationship just then but if, 30 seconds later, I’d laid eyes on someone who made me rethink being single that would be none of his damn business. It’s not like he could claim dibs because he saw me first.
Don’t be that guy - the whiny “She told me she didn’t want a relationship right before she hooked up with someone else” guy.
That guy’s a jerk.
Thank you for your interest in becoming my significant other. I have carefully reviewed applications for the role as my boyfriend and have determined that other candidates are a better match based on relationship requirements and emotional needs. We wish you the best in your search for The One.
I don’t see what’s wrong with ‘I just don’t feel that way about you/don’t fancy you’. You can’t fancy everyone, and I certainly don’t expect everyone to fancy me, so I wouldn’t be the least offended by that response. The line ‘I’m not looking for a relationship right now’ just sounds like an excuse.
“You remind me of my brother/dad/uncle/grandpa.”
No one’s going to question that one. Bonus if they do in some way remind you of some relative, so it’s not a lie.
Actually, that’s a terrible line because the loser hears “You’re acceptable to me, just not today. So keep trying & soon enough my mood will change & we’ll be a pair forever!!!1!!!.”
You don’t want that.
“Not interested. Thank you. Good luck.” is about the most complicated message you want to convey.
Just like dealing with a sales person, providing any reason why not is simply an opening for them to argue the facts of that specific issue or else try to wave the issue away.
Apparently, the classic 'let ‘em down easy lie’ is ‘I’m [some religion or culture you know he or she is not], and I can only marry, and thus date, others of that [culture or faith] - though of course I find you very intelligent and attractive’. There’s a GD thread right now triggered by that one.
Leads to embarrasment if they catch you later with some person not of that faith or culture, of course …
I hung out with a guy for a couple months last year. We got along great, shared values, like to do the same things together, had a blast. One day, out of nowhere, I get this text that he’s not interested. WTF. I call him up and he tells me “I was never attracted to you in that way and I will not ever be. We are only ever going to be just friends, if you want to be friends.”
Based on the way he phrased that (“I will not ever be…”) I assumed he’s gay. We still hung out a little bit after that, but not much. I gave up and moved on and dated someone else.
Flash forward about a year and it turns out he was seeing someone else at the time and was on the hook with her. She dumped him a long time ago, he spent some time single, and I’ve since dumped the guy I started dating. Bottom line: we are now dating again. I am not the second-string bench player anymore; I’m now a starter. (sports analogy-see what I did there?)
To this day, I wish he’d have just been more honest with me. “I’m seeing someone else so I don’t want to lead you on thinking this will grow into something when I’m working on that with this other person.” If he’d done that, at least I wouldn’t have spent a month or two trying to figure out what fatal flaw I had that made me so unattractive to him or what mistake I made in words or actions that caused his change of heart. I wouldn’t have second-guessed myself so much, worrying about why I wasn’t good enough to be dated by this guy I got along with so well. He probably wanted to spare my feelings about being played. I didn’t think anyone had agreed to exclusivity, so I wouldn’t have had any issues with learning that I wasn’t the only girl he was seeing.
In my past, I gave 'em two swings before letting them hit the ball.
“Why don’t you want to date me?”
-“I’m sorry I’m not interested”
“Yes, but why?”
-“Sorry, but I’m just not.”
“Yes, I heard that, but why?”
-If someone is that persistent, then they get the truth, whatever that may be. And yes, I’ve been labelled an asshole for being blunt after having been asked for the truth and they couldn’t handle the truth (a la Nicholson).
I hate when people do this. Isn’t it obvious? Because I don’t like you. Even if my reasoning is completely ridiculous, it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m not interested. The reason people ask is because they want to try to sell you on them, which just makes you like the person even less. If I said it’s because he wears blue hats, he’d tell you he has other colors. If you tell him it’s because you don’t think your senses of humor match, he’d try to convince you that he’s funny (which is a fruitless effort, obviously) or that sense of humor isn’t important.
There’s nothing you can do in this situation except be hurtful. I used to try to be gentle, but it only leads to more probing of my answers. Now if someone won’t settle for “I’m not interested,” I am completely brutal. I don’t even care if I hurt the person’s feelings anymore, because the kind of person who keeps pressing is clearly an asshole.
I tortured the pronouns too. It’s part of our charm.
I’d probably tell them the truth as gently as possible.
That said, if they’re willing to ask me why I won’t date them, I’d be concerned that they’d press the issue.
For example, I dated this one guy who just read me completely wrong. He was nice enough and I was polite, but I could tell immediately that we wanted different things. He was way more mature than I was and almost 10 years older, more interested in a serious relationship and I just wasn’t. He was cute and I wanted a fling. Unfortunately, he thought I was ready to commit on the first date. I was extraordinarily uncomfortable and tried really hard to be nice when I told him it just wouldn’t work. When he asked me why I wouldn’t go out with him again and I told him, he immediately started trying to counter my objections. Luckily I’m married, but if I were to date again, I’d probably have flashbacks of that situation.
This strikes me as the most sensible position. Asking for a reason is obviously expected for a sudden breakup of a longer term relationship, but I’d be wary of someone demanding reasons for not accepting their first date proposal. Sure, its possible that this is an honest and objective attempt to understand their own strengths and weaknesses for the next time they ask someone out, but my money is on a sales pitch on you again. Its an awkward question to ask someone before the first date, and sounds like a huge turnoff for me!
As others have states, you are not obligated to provide reasons for your actions here, and it isn’t reasonable to expect that you are.
Assuming you were polite but unambiguous in your initial response, my decision of whether to actually answer their question about why I didn’t want to date them would depend on several factors:
Do I think they’re genuinely seeking help in figuring out why they’re having dating trouble, and not just trying to argue me into going out with them? If the latter, I have no interest in getting sucked into defending something I don’t need to defend.
Is my reason for not dating them something they can fix? If they came across as super needy / pushy / disrespectful, telling them might help them do a better job next time, even if it stings a bit to hear. If they’re simply not attractive to me, I don’t see any reason to tell them that. They might think they want to know the truth, but hearing it will just fuel insecurity and make them feel bad about themselves.
Are they someone I can have this conversation with? If they’re someone I feel comfortable talking to, I’d be more likely to try to gently offer some dating tips. If I don’t know them and/or don’t want to, my only goal would be to extricate myself from the situation as gracefully as possible.
And having remembered the horrors of dating, I think I’ll buy Mrs. Giraffe some flowers on the way home tonight.
There’s no such thing as someone asking because they’re trying to figure out what they’re doing wrong. It’s *always *some attempt at a sales pitch. Always.
For adults, it should. The few times people have pressured me for an answer beyond this I usually remind them that I shouldn’t have to say anything beyond a polite “no thank you”
Beyond that, assuming you’re available and dating and they know it, if pressed just tell them the basic chemistry isn’t there for you and it’s no reflection on them at all. We can only be so responsible for people’s ego’s.
A lady friend of mine said that too much neediness or insecurity is pretty unattractive, and she’s right. If they continue to press, I’d politely explain that as well. It’s unfortunate if people take a polite no thank you as a personal attack, or “Oh you’re too good for me huh?” but it happens. Polite but firm. You really don’t owe an explanation or an apology.
