Why do you think he/she didn't call back?

In My Humble Opinion
1

You go on a date, you think things go well, you like the person, you think they like you…then they never call back. You call a few times, thinking maybe they’re just busy, then probably 3-5 days later you get the realization that they are just simply avoiding you :frowning:

As silly as this is, it used to bug me when it happened. I’d always mention if I didn’t want to pursue any further meetings (as politely as possible). Personally I don’t really feel closure from the ‘noncallback’. Imagine this- you go on ten dates, all ten people you meet are pleasant and you are willing to see them again, but all ten don’t call you back. Why? You could theorize about it, but unless they say why it could happen again- maybe you have some annoying habit you aren’t aware of, a horrible dresser, etc.

Since I’ve gotten an equal number of no-callbacks as I have gotten explanations on why we aren’t going to ever meet again, I can probably guess on why-

1.) No chemistry: Frustrating at times, especially when I feel LOTS of chemistry for the other person. But if they aren’t interested? meh, time to move on.

2.) (when I lived with my parents) still lives with parents: Understandable, we’ve had many debates on the 'dope about this issue. However, if they are also living with parents, and the same age/older than I am, I think this is an issue of the pot calling the kettle black.

3.) Too boring: Usually happens when I meet someone I find fall-on-my-face attractive. I’ll clam up/be afraid of doing something stupid and come off as being dull as a brick. This one is also a ‘take it or leave it’ because ‘boring’ is different for other people.

Admittedly, I’ve only not called one person back myself. I met her at a sushi place and she was far less attractive than her picture. I spent much of the date yammering about video games (something I don’t normally do) and I think I sucesfully conveyed the message.

2

When I was dating frequently, I had quite a few conversations that went like this:

Me: I think you’re really nice, but I just don’t feel any chemistry.
Him: I was really nervous/I was having an off night/my grandmother died/I’m shy.

Since I was younger and less assertive back then, I would often let myself be talked into having a second date. A second date that was no more fun then the first. So eventually, I just stopped calling men back.

Admittedly, it’s was a completely cowardly thing to do.

3

The lack of a call back pretty much says everything that you need to know, the way I see it.

It’s a nonverbal way of saying “I’m not interested in you.”

Whether its chemistry, incompatibility, timing, someone better came along, it all boils down to the same thing.

4

Yeah, but the problem is that its hard to learn from it. You also don’t get the same kind of closure, and a lot of people will admit its rather cowardly to do.

5

I say if it’s cowardly if you’re almost into relationship territory, and hopes and dreams and visions of picket white fences are on the line.

But just one date? What kind of closure do you need after one date? It’s still cowardly to just brush someone off like that, but at that stage of the game it’s probably best to have more of a live and let live attitude.

6

Women don’t feel it’s their obligation to convey this message. I’ve called out more than a few girls for flaking on the callback issue. The minute they start to talk about being too busy with work, family, or school, they switch over into being insulting. We’re all busy with work, family, or school. That’s like saying you’re busy eating, breathing and blinking. It’s about the most pathetic excuse for blowing someone off that I can imagine. Non-callbacks are one way of not dealing with another person, but I continue to wonder why it doesn’t occur to some women that this “excuse” is completely insulting. As such, I’ve learned to call them on this bullshit maneuver quite deftly, which is no surprise given how popular an excuse it seems to be. I’ve gotten to the core of certain real reasons a woman wasn’t interested by doing so, even to women who showed what appeared to be genuine interest in spending time together. I have zero tolerance for flakiness, because it’s a bigger waste of my time and mental energy than a girl who doesn’t call back at all. At least the non-callbacks aren’t trying to play stupid fucking games with you.

7

I see your point, and I think the best attitude is probably somewhere between this and what you with the face said. If you just met, there’s not as much at stake, and its harder to really feel ‘betrayed’ about not hearing from them again.

The problem I see is that often I guess women are conditioned to be polite and courteous and this gets misinterpreted as interest. Since they never flat-out say no sometimes the guy can feel a teensy bit strung along.

I think a polite e-mail is impersonal yet practical enough to get the message across. Guys that aren’t total creeps will move on. I can’t help but think that the no-callback policy has a higher stalker potential.

8

He/she is just not that into you.

9

This is what I was going to say. Once and a while it will actually turn out that the person WAS abducted by aliens, but mostly they’re just not that into you.

I’m never sure why a long, drawn out explanation is required either. I mean, I’ve dated lots of guys. Sometimes I’m not into them. Do they really need a detailed list of all the reasons why?

I certainly don’t want some guy to say to me that he doesn’t want to see me again because my ass is too squishy, my jokes are dumb and I wear stupid shoes. Really, there’s someone in the world who likes my ass, laughs at my jokes and thinks stupid shoes are sexy - I’d rather focus on that guy, than on the guy that didn’t get me, yano?

10

What if the reason was something preventable for them? My concern for non-callbacks was always that. And Yes, I WOULD like a long, drawn out explanation thankyouverymuch, because it helps me define what kind of person I’m looking for, and what type of people to avoid.

If you got fired for a job, wouldn’t you be the least bit curious why?

11

I don’t understand what you’re saying and it makes you sound a little desperate or something. If a guy insisted on a detailed list of why I wasn’t into him, I would be afraid if I gave it to him he would get the idea that he could change those things and suddenly he would be my dream man - it just doesn’t work that way. Either the person likes you or they don’t. I suppose there are some super shallow people who will rule a person out because they wore sandles on a date, or parted their hair on the wrong side or something, but really, I think it comes down to, they just aren’t that into you.

I mean, imagine the (hypothetical) conversation:

“Well Incubus, I don’t want to see you again because one of your ears is higher than the other. You made a comment about your mother and it made me think of cheese and chest hair and that squicked me out. Your sense of humour strikes me as pedantic and dull, and you said that I looked “Hawt!” when you picked me up, but the way you said it made it sound creepy even though from a different guy it would have been ok. Also, your car smelled like McDonalds, and if you had been a totally different guy it wouldnt’ have bothered me, but because it was you it grossed me out.”

Do you really think that would be productive in any way? Keeping in mind that there is a woman in the world who would find the lopsided ears cute, think you’re jokes are funny, and think being called “Hawt” by you is the best thing ever?

I mean come on - sometimes a person just ISN’T INTO YOU. Why would you want to drag it out?

As to your second point, I would imagine if you were fired from a job (I never have been) you would have SOME idea as to why.

12

Sure, I understand, but that person doesn’t owe you a long drawn-out reason. Your self-improvement is not her responsibility.

Sometimes, the answer will be helpful, sometimes the answer will be false (to “spare your feelings”), and sometimes the answer won’t be constructive at all and just twist the knife on your insecurities. Ultimately, your job is to process the experience the best you can, glean what you can based on your own self-awareness (and perhaps feedback from friends) and simply try again.

13

But you’re not getting fired from a job. You’re just not getting a call back from a girl who decided you weren’t what she wanted.

I’m not trying to be insulting, but it seems you want logical reasons behind what may be purely emotive responses. Either you feel something for someone or you don’t.

But let’s take it one step further. Let’s say you did get that laundry list of what she felt was wrong. Would you really be willing to change yourself based on one person’s impressions of you after spending a few hours in your company? Why? Are you that needy? Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s great that you’re open to criticism, but…do you have so little sense of self that you’re willing to be molded into what some woman that you barely know thinks you should be?

I will echo what others have told you before. Be who you are. Learn to like yourself. If there is something that you (not some girl) don’t like…change it. The confidence will come from knowing and liking yourself. The rest will come naturally. I don’t know how else to explain it, but women recognize men with no self confidence, and it isn’t a huge turn on.

The last time you did this, you got in way over your head and ended up getting very badly hurt because you refused to accept that you couldn’t be what that woman wanted. Stop obsessing over what other people think so much.

14

Heh. “So you have a big head, so what? It goes well with the bump in your nose.”

/seinfeld

15

While I tend to agree it’s not cool to leave someone hanging, it’s usually the easiest and least painful. There are several degrees of mutual understanding and the people who are the most sensitive get the most upset by it. While I agree with alice, I think her point of view stretches the reality of the potential “I’m not into you and here’s why” exchange. Here’s one I had once …

I chatted a girl up online and then on the phone, and I could tell within the first thirty seconds that anything I had to say just wasn’t going to click with her. Nothing was registering. My humor is a bit beyond name calling and primetime television one-liners, so most of what I had to say was lost on her. We started people-talking and because she wasn’t saying much, I began pushing buttons to provoke an emotional reaction out of her. She told me about how her friend went on a blind internet date and gave me the scoop on how odd the guy was, so I started to suggest we go on a double date with them to poke fun at him/her. Mostly at the the fact that he drove a Hummer H3, because seriously, what man who wants to be taken even remotely seriously drives an H3? She flaked. She got even quieter, clearly upset that I was speaking inappropriately about her friend’s guy who until that moment had been a complete dork until I started poking fun at him too, mostly for driving a baby Hummer. I ended the conversation because she was about as conversational as a dill pickle.

The internet chats ceased, so I decided to say hello online several days later. She made pointless banter for about two minutes before saying “brb”. Then she signs off. Since I have another screen name running simultaneously, I check to see if everything’s in check. She’s still on, so obviously I’d been blocked. I know this is stalkerish but I don’t do it to stalk, I do it to confirm when people are blocking me so I know who to take off my own lists. I message her to say that in addition to being conversationally inept, she was also a hypocrite and a liar, and that I would obviously missing out on some good times with a fun gal. I didn’t even wait for a response before signing off and removing her from my list.

How’s that for a “I’m just not that into you” chat? :slight_smile:

16

Good Lord, Inc, you are coming off as pathetically desperate here. As Maureen indicated, women can smell the stench of poor self esteem and desperation a mile away and it doesn’t smell like roses. I wish that I got that concept better in my youth because people told me that a million times. Luckily (in some respects) I now have a second chance in the dating world since my divorce and I got a chance to realize how true it is.

It was just one date. You got some coffee or whatever and she thought that you were a nice enough guy but didn’t feel any sparks. She doesn’t owe you an explanation because it’s not something that can be described most of the time. Once in a while there is a reason like they would never date a Democrat or a churchgoer or someone who hates Country music but mostly it’s the no chemistry thing.

Look, it’s not easy to tell someone that they’re not interested over the phone or in person. Email is easier so it’s best to ask them out again over email but, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t ask them for a list of reasons. That’s just creepy as hell.

17

I always thought that when guys didn’t call me back it was out of fear.

Fear that I would eat them alive. Which I probably would have. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I’m serious, by the way.

18

And my god, don’t have another username just so you can stalk people who give you the brush off. “Creepy” isn’t even the word for that.

19

You might be a guy who can handle the truth. You might be the guy who absorbs negative criticism well and uses the feedback as a motivator to do better next time.

Or you might be the guy who freaks out and starts crying. Or worse, the guy who gets angry when he’s told he’s too fat/skinny/ugly/boring/stupid/smart/gassy, etc. , and then turns the tables, accusing the other person of being those things too. You might be the guy who argues desperately that he’s a “nice” guy and lays on a crazy guilt trip, begging for another chance. And the girl finally says yes because she thinks her reasons do seem petty, after all. Even though they really aren’t.

When interacting with a perfect stranger, one doesn’t know what kind of guy they are dealing with.

The 'Dope seems to have a lot of “honest-is-the-best-policy” guys, but in real life, ya’ll are outnumbered. Most people have fragile egos and can transform from pleasant and sane to completely berserko if you just look at them wrong. I know I don’t have the time or energy to worry about these kind of encounters. I wager most people are like me.

20

Usually you can figure these things out from observation, like the above example from anamnesis, he knew when things didn’t click, and it was just a bad date. it’s unlikely that in all that time if you had a terrible habit SOMEBODY would have told you. Ask your friends, coworkers, etc. to see if there’s something they’ve noticed while hanging out with you. Get advice about specific things by posting here or better yet to a relationship advice forum or sub-forum elsewhere. If you’re at the age where living with your parents is becoming a concern, do you have a solid job, are the women you’re meeting the sort looking for a long term start and thus looking at you in terms of not only personality but financial and long-term stability? Basically, if you haven’t noticed, to figure this sort of stuff out just run down a huge list of self-questions and compare them to the dates you’ve had, you’ll start narrowing things down.