My morning radio show runs a 2nd Date Update on Monday mornings—people who go out on the weekend call up and report if they didn’t get a call after the first date. Sometimes it’s men who thought they had a great first date and couldn’t get a call in to the woman the rest of the weekend, sometimes it’s women who don’t get a call. The reasons are varied and interesting and glaringly obvious to everyone else listening.
You are making a lot of assumptions here. If I went on a date, it was boring as hell and there was virtually zero conversation, then didn’t get called back, obviously I’d know the answer and wouldn’t be demanding some explanation. However, if I was on 2nd/3rd date territory, and up until that point everything seemed to be going well and she just dropped off the face of the planet, then I’d be confused. Or if we arranged to meet again, she agreed then she postponed a week, then that week postponed a week again, etc before I got the hint. Why not just say, “No thanks.”
Treating every guy as a potential stalker is rather presumptuous in my opinion. In general, if I went on a date and things didn’t click for me, I’d let them know (politely). How does it make me desperate if I want the same courtesy?
Incubus, this is exactly what I was referring to: the game playing and excuses for blowing off another outing after several apparently enjoyable ones. I don’t put up with it myself. The minute I even start to get a hesitation to commit to something, I say “look, don’t let me twist your arm, either be there or don’t be there, but don’t start waffling me” and then they usually go into super flake-out mode. I have a feeling most will say I’m being too much of a hardass and that this method of expecting women to be even somewhat accountable and/or reliable is considered too serious for women to deal with and probably “scares them away”. :rolleyes:
The OP isn’t after identifying the signs of a bad date. He and I and most people know when a date isn’t clicking. He’s after an answer to why women flake after several outings where both sides seem to be satisfied. I’m with him on this because it’s a topic I’ve got a keen interest in as well. The inability to commit to a date and be honest about why is rather childish behavior for women who profess themselves to be mature adults, and we’ve still yet to get an answer from any women which explains this. Different women have different expectations from a guy, but generally speaking, if a girl isn’t into a guy after one outing, it’s her decision whether or not she wants to tell him, but if she’s not going to tell him at all and just string him along until she decides to be wishy-washy on spending time with him, what is she accomplishing by this? Sometimes the guy doesn’t get the hint, and this just creates a snowball effect of rejection that keeps the guy out of the loop and wanting reasons as to why. Different topic entirely, and more often than not, I doubt this applies to most guys because we’re not all clueless rejects.
So why would a woman do this, outside of not being mature enough to admit to herself that she’s the one who isn’t ready for any sort of real relationship? We’ve yet to get an answer to this, but I think that’s only because there really isn’t a good one to give. In the words of Melvin Udall when referring to how he writes women so well: “it’s easy … I think of a man, and I take away reason, and accountability.”
Coffee, one date, two dates – she’s just not that into you, and she doesn’t really owe you an explanation. If she went out with you once or twice, she probably figured “eh, what the hell, I don’t dislike him, let’s give it another shot” – but lack of chemistry is lack of chemistry.
And a) there aren’t usually “whys” for lack of chemistry, so she can’t provide them, and b) after one or two dates, you don’t have any “right” to hear what they are if she did know. (Though guessing by the way you’re presenting yourself in this thread, it has something to do with your emotional neediness.)
Exactly. Even if you were to get some reasons from her, odds are they would be false. Pure unadulterated honesty is hard to deliver when someone’s elses ego is on the line. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because someone did tell you why there weren’t interested, that really is the truth.
Have to disagree. Common courtesy would seem to indicate that it’s nice to at least let people know that you’re not interested, even if all you say is ‘sorry, I’m not interested’.
Myself, I’ve overcome my so-called ‘emotional neediness’ (what the hell does that mean anyway) by telling myself that someone so inconsiderate doesn’t deserve my attention anyway. Game-playing is for 10 year olds not mature adults.
I don’t think “Sorry, I’m not interested” answers the “why?” of the OP. What information is conveyed by “I’m not interested” that wasn’t conveyed by not returning a phone call?
This thread reminds me of this thread from a few months ago.
Point taken, but what it does answer is the main issue: ie. has something happened (lost my number, gone on holiday, been taken by aliens, etc.)? It leaves no ambiguity.
As an anecdote, I had something similar happen a while ago. Assumed I’d been left out to dry but just thought I’d send an email saying something to the effect of ‘If you don’t like me just say so’. A week later got a reply saying ‘don’t be silly, I went away for a few days’. These things happen!
True. And ambiguity can suck.
On the other hand, I’m one of those people who would much rather someone not return my calls than call me up and say, “I’m not interested in you.”
(I never really understand the idea that anything but face-to-face rejection is “cowardly.” (You haven’t said this, so please don’t think I’m putting words into your mouth.))
That’s a good point too and I guess some people are better at reading the signs. Personlly, I like to know where I stand, though I guess too that I’ve got better at spotting the signs as I get older! As my little anecdote was meant to show though, it isn’t always that clear cut!
However, if you are leaving messages for someone and they don’t get back to you at all, that suggests a cowardly response to me as it is clearly unkind to the person who, rightly or wrongly, doesn’t know what’s going on. There can be no other reason than to save yourself thirty seconds of uncomfortable conversation. After all, if the recipient is a stalker-type, it seems more likely to me that they’ll carry on down that path if they don’t get a clear sense that they’ve been rejected.
Complicated stuff this, isn’t it?
Wow. Some of you seem to have a wildly disproportionate sense of what you are “owed” after a few dates.
I think it might be your emotional immaturity, neediness, and just barely contained misogyny that “scares them away”.
“Barely contained” isn’t exactly the phrase I would use. 
A great man once said: “Sometimes, there just isn’t a Love Connection”
he also said that he’d be back in two-and-two
I loved that show.
Yay, here comes the SDMB Chapter of Women Against Misogyny! Thanks for taking the opportunity to snipe at a bunch of sentences out of context without actually contributing to the discussion or answering the questions being asked, Diana and JS! (Never mind the fact that you quoted me as having a wildly disproportionate expectation of what I’m owed after a few dates in an example where I chose to not even meet the girl in question … wait, that was probably her decision and not mine, right?) These types of comments are always a valuable asset to have in any thread. 
I apologize if I’ve done anything to scare you away from contributing. Given that you’ve proven to have some insight on the issues, I’d love to hear any you have on the question I had which has nothing to do with the “she’s just not that into you, didn’t call you back, and damned if she needs a reason why” affair. I’m sure with a little interpretation of what I actually said, you can manage a civil answer without any of the out-of-context-comment-sniping being involved.
Hopefully this isn’t too misogynistic of me.
In your OP, it seemed like you meant that it was after a first date. After two or three dates, you are certainly entitled to a “no thanks” but still not to a list of specific reasons why.
Honey, those quotes were *not * out of context. The tone of every one of your posts has been “women suck and the only way to get them to do anything is to harass and bully them into it”.
And I did notice that you hadn’t even actually been on a date with that woman, which just makes your hostility even *more * needless and baffling.
Alright, so you’re not going to answer then. Thanks again for contributing!
I’ve read all your messages on this thread–in context. I don’t know that “misogyny” is the correct word here, since I’ve seen no evidence that you get along with men, either.
Sometimes there’s no chemistry. Settle for that excuse. If you got honest answers, I doubt you’d like them.
Anger is not attractive.
Once I met a really cute guy and gave him my number. I was on cloud 9 because I was positive he was going to call.
He didn’t.
I soon realized it was because I had recently moved, and given him the WRONG number. Argh!
My friend met a guy and they really hit it off. She was on cloud 9 because she knew he was going to call.
He didn’t.
Why not? Because his wallet (which contained her number) was stolen, and it took him quite a while to get it back.
he did, eventually, and called her, which is how we were able to hear the story.
Sometimes these things happen.
Usually, tho, it’s what gigi and alice said. Don’t sweat it. If he just isn’t that into you, it’s better that he not call.
It’s kind of a social contract between me and N, the instance of the person I am dating.
My obligation is to not simply stop calling N and to tell him “I’m just not that into you” so that he doesn’t wonder if I’ve fallen off a cliff, if it’s because of his BO, or whatever.
N’s obligation is to respond to that with
(a) “Okay, fair enough, have a nice life.”
The problem is that I cannot be assured that N’s response will be that. It is also likely to be some of the things that have been listed above:
(b) “What do you want me to change? I can change!” [Leading to drawn-out and endless conversation that won’t change the fact that I’m just not that into him]
© “What is it about me you don’t like, exactly?” [likewise]
(d) [weeps, threats of suicide, other drama-queen guilt trips]
(e) “Yah well you’re not so great yourself, bitch” [and other nasty comments]
There is no way to tell in advance if N will respond with (a) instead of (b) through (e).
If my experience had led me to believe that (a) was a reasonable response to expect, then I wouldn’t have a problem making that phone call. However, I really, really hate (b) through (e). And almost all the dumpees who I have dumped or who have been dumped by my friends have taught me that (a) is ALMOST NEVER the response.
Finally:
The word “accountability” doesn’t fit here. After one date, I don’t owe you jack, I’m not accountable for anything. I don’t owe you an explanation, I don’t owe you a second date, I certainly don’t owe you a conversation to help you figure out how you can be someone I am more attracted to.
Many people seem to take “I’m just not that into you” as a personal insult. I feel extremely positively about a LOT of people that I’m just not that into.