Yes the book was by Nena and George O’Neill who coined the phrase Open Marriage. They did in fact recommend sexually open marriage and called it SOM. Soon after the book came out they divorced.
While I agree that the scenario in the OP of this thread sounds like a disaster in the making, I find this statement of yours to be a little broad, don’t you think?
As for those who say “what’s the point” I think that is a very narrow view. Why do “regular” couples get married? Is it to have a guaranteed monogamous sex partner for the rest of their lives? If so, I’d say that is a pretty shallow reason. Most couples get married because they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. Maybe raise a family, whatever. Also it’s a lot different to bring your ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ to family events than it is to bring your spouse. There are a lot of things that marriage brings [that not everyone needs or wants] that have nothing whatsoever to do with sex.
First off… who said they aren’t committed to the person? Can you be committed to a person you’re dating for a long time, but don’t intend to spend your life with? Then you can also be committed to a third person in a marriage.
As for ‘need’… do you NEED to eat cookies or drink soda/beer/whatever? Do you NEED to have pizza once a month? [these are generic ‘you’ btw] There is very little that we actually NEED in life. If you meet someone you are sexually attracted to, and become close, and both people in the marriage see no problem with the additional relationship… where is the problem?
My opinion?
I would never be involved in such a relationship. I do not understand how anyone could be. If my partner does not want to be monogamous, she should find a new partner.
I see it as a lack of commitment, a lack of love, and a lack of respect. I will probably always see it that way.
But that’s just me. YMMV.
I love my husband with all my heart. I also respect him. And I’m extremely committed to him. We are joined at the hip. We’ve been married 11 years. We’re the happiest and most stable couple I know, actually.
errr… sorry. Didn’t mean to kill the thread :X
thats okay…hey what’re you and the hubby doin tomorrow night?
kidding
I’ve never seen any particular reason why Monogamy is such a great thing. I’m most definitely not advocating cheating on partners, but if people want a polyamorous or open relationship, why the hell shouldn’t they? This should involve complete honesty between partners though… (Disclaimer: I’ve never tried it, I’m open to the possibility but suspect I wouldn’t be very comfortable with it).
OTOH, I will go ahead and concur with everyone else: This particular case is a disaster waiting to happen (well, hardly waiting - it’s basically happening) in this case.
Opal, thanks for resurrecting the thread. But I’m confused. Are you and your husband, in fact, in a so-called “open marriage”? If so, would you like to share more details with the class? How often, any jealosy, etc. Only if you feel comfortable, of course.
Really? Then how do you explain this book?
Yes, my husband and I have been in an open marriage from day one, 11 years ago as of yesterday.
Neither one of us is into casual sex… we prefer to have an actual relationship. I dated one guy for 4 years. He spent holidays with us, and even lived at our house for about 6 months. Another guy I dated for a year. A few shorter month-or-so long relationships that didn’t work out … and one guy that I had a long-term friendship with that had the occassional sex as well.
…he has dated as well. There is no jealousy. We are completely honest with each other. He used to drive me to Tom’s house and drop me off to spend the night so that he could use the car. When I had my wisdom teeth out, they both drove me, then they went out to eat while I was under, then Tom took care of me that day while Rob worked, then brought me home in the evening (I had been under general anesthesia).
We’ve never done any 3-somes or anything like that.
As for our relationship with each other… we are completely devoted to each other. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love him, and he is the same way about me. Neither of us can imagine life without the other. Every year we get closer. No, we don’t NEED outside relationships. In fact, with my current medication, I really have no desire for sex with anyone, even myself. However, neither of us sees anything wrong with outside relationships [for us] and so we don’t really see the point in forbidding them because of what other people think or feel.
Did that answer enough? Feel free to ask questions. Also keep in mind that this is only OUR experience. Every marriage is different – open or otherwise.
I’m not married, but I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for two years. I always thought that a polyamorous relationship with two bisexual men would be great for me; I have a very high libido, and I like to watch two men together. That never happened, though, so I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.
In my current situation, I could really go for the occasional orgy. That way, there’s no way it’s other than just a good time. Anything else, though, rears the spectre of my boyfriend falling in love with someone else and out of love with me.