What would you call it?
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Testosterone clearly plays a role in anger outbursts:
Your words are fine: “measured response”, “frustrated sigh”, “curt tone”, “head shake”. That is, reacting without “showing anger”, which to me implies loss of self control or some other over-reaction.
I don’t display anger, and I don’t feel anger for long. I repress it, and all strong emotions, but I also address them in my way.
Part of how I manage bipolar rage (and the disorder in general) is to understand my feelings are rarely appropriate for the circumstances. It’s a complicated mental exercise, but the practical upshot is that in me you don’t generally see very much happy or angry, I just am. I know this can be confusing to watch so, with some comedic effect, I will sometimes say in a very flat affect, “I am angry / ecstatic / sad, etc.” If I’m having a particularly bad time, my voice will drop and I’ll say something like, “I need a minute, please.”
In the meantime I’m working out in logical terms why my brain wants to be angry. This keeps me from damaging relationships, and it also helps more quickly address the problem.
So you have decided that “showing anger” equals losing your temper or losing control? And anyone who is not out of control, is not showing anger?
You might need to talk to my kid. He will tell I am very good at showing my anger without losing control or over-reacting. I suspect lots of people are.
So you two have agreed that you agree on everything but the terminology, and now you want to get angry over that?
Chill, dude.
I hope this is a whoosh, because I don’t think anyone in this thread needs to “chill”.
I agree with Rhiannon8404. Defining “shows anger” so narrowly that it only encompasses outburts and temper tantrums renders this whole discussion pointless. People get ticked off all the time without exploding in rage.
monstro, it’s ok man, relax. You’re among friends here.
I agree with that last sentence, but in my experience it’s sort of counter to the subject of the thread. Like Jennshark, I’ve had partners that were annoyed that I didn’t show anger, and none of them meant “Hey, I’ve noticed you never speak tersely, in short direct comments with a lowered voice.” When you talk about showing anger, I see it as asking about people losing their shit, with at least a raised voice. What you’re describing now comes across as “Hey, what do you think of people that are mildly peeved?”
Why would someone be bothered by you never losing your shit? That does not make sense to me.
I would not like being partnered with someone who, upon witnessing me or our child be intentionally victimized by someone, showed no hint of anger. Explosive or otherwise. And I would be real bothered if that person judged me for showing anger in that context because “showing anger is immature durr durr”. But sure, give me a person who doesn’t have temper tantrums over one who does. That is a no-brainer.
The OP did not ask “Are you bothered by people showing anger?” Some people seem to be answering a question that was never asked.
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I can usually express anger without losing control, but it is useful to have the insight into when I am about to lose control. When I am angry, my voice gets louder and I talk faster. When I am very, very angry, my voice gets lower and becomes more monotone. It’s usually a good idea for me to get out of the situation when that happens.
I have no issue with people who express anger appropriately, even overtly. It doesn’t intimidate me, but I also don’t lose respect for them. Better that than passive-aggressive, or crying.
Regards,
Shodan
I consider anger to be a childish emotion and a visible display lowers my opinion of people expressing it except in extreme circumstances.
To be clear, since there seems to be some disagreement, I would not call a change in tone to express dissatisfaction or to make a clear statement to be a form of anger. Anger, I would say, necessarily involves some loss of control (whether physical or emotional). Changing one’s tone, register, and body language to fit the situation is not a loss of control.
Another way of looking at it, I suppose, is that if the anger itself is occupying a significant part of your mental space, then you have not kept it under control. If it manifests itself in a more abstract way that allows you to deal with the situation in the most appropriate fashion, then it’s something less than actual anger. Indignation, maybe.
From what I’ve seen, some people see losing your shit and other over-the-top reactions as “being human” rather than being childish, and often decide the mature person is harming themselves by repressing their emotions (and man do I hate the age of psycho-babble were amateurs diagnose everyone based on what they saw on Oprah or dr. Phil once).
And people who are cool with “losing one’s shit” are, in turn, considered to have low standards for public behavior.
Ultimately I guess it boils down to aesthetics and at least being aware of one’s audience and how your emoting will come across. Sports fan anger and frustration (bellowing at the TV when a referee makes a disagreeable call) has its place, and it’s not like it ever leads to riots or anything. At work or a kid’s school function, however, one should probably have a longer fuse.