What do you think this comment means?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve been having a debate with my husband over the past couple of days over the meaning of a phrase and was hoping some Dopers could help settle it.

I’d like to know what you’d think if you heard this:

“I’ve been a doormat and I’m going to stop it.”

For background, this was part of an argument I referenced in a different thread. As arguments go, it wasn’t too terribly spectacular, but we tend to get stuck on certain phrases in arguments. One person will use a phrase and mean one thing, while the other takes it differently and an argument results.

This is one of the reasons that we’ve bookmarked the Merriam-Webster site and keep dictionaries around. :slight_smile:

For what it’s worth, my interpretation is that it means that the person making the comment has been playing the victim, but is taking responsibility not to do so anymore.

2

I agree with your interpretation, and in fact am having a hard time thinking of any others.

3

Both interpretations in the OP seem equally valid to me, if I’m understanding the interpretations correctly. It’s just a matter of perspective on whether you think the victim is powerless or just weak-willed or even willing, right? Some people will be bullied into being doormats – others become doormats because they’re doing everything in their power to please the other party.

4

I’ve been allowing others to walk all over me and am going to make a conscious effort to stop that from happening.

5

But doesn’t the phrase “it’s up to me to make it stop” completely nullify the concept of “powerless victim?” If the person was a powerless victim, it would be up to someone else to make it stop – wouldn’t it? – because the victim would be powerless to stop it.

6

The second choice (“I’m the powerless victim here and <person> walks all over me.”) is totally devoid of anything that relates to “I’m going to stop it/I’m not going to do it anymore.” How could someone think that’s what it means when it clearly leaves out half of what was said?

7

I’m not seeing the debate or what’s supposedly being contested here. It’s a totally meaningless and bizarre OP.

8

And…

There’s a significant difference between “I’m going to stop it” and “It’s up to me to make it stop.” It seems to me the meaning of the overheard sentence is quite clear. Why do neither of the poll choices accurately reflect what was said? I’m thinking you folks need more help than what’s in a dictionary.

9

Well, first off, I think laying blame in arguments is counter-productive. You have a situation you’re dealing with; you can’t change the past so how you got there is a lot less important than what you’re going to do about it.

As far as I can tell, which one it is depends on the people involved. Maybe “doormat” grew up in an abusive household and learned not to make waves as a survival skill, which subsequently doesn’t translate all that well to adult life. Maybe the other person is a bully and manipulates “doormat’s” genuine feelings for him to get his way. Maybe it’s some combination of both; maybe it’s one or the other depending on the circumstances. Whatever. The only thing obvious from the phrase by itself is that “doormat” is planning to set firm boundaries from here on out (what she’s going to do about it), which is really the only important bit anyway.

10

Use of the term “doormat” implies some level of voluntarism. There are people who truly are helpless, but applying the term doormat to them would seem kind of mean.

However, the person who is the doormat might have some legitimate cause for being a doormat, like a genuine personality-based inability to handle the situation in any other way. Not everyone is capable of just changing their personalities on a whim.

11

I see your confusion. This probably won’t make it any less bizarre or meaningless to you; however, here’s more background:

A couple of days ago, my husband was on his X-box. He’d been on his X-box for a good hour, probably more. I had worked a full day, like him, and was carting around a baby with our four-year old clinging to my leg, trying to make dinner. I walked in and said, “Hey, could you turn that thing off and entertain one or both of these kids? I really need an extra set of hands and you’ve been playing that thing for a long time. You played for several hours yesterday, too.”

His response was, “Uh, yeah. Give me a few minutes.” Historically this has meant, “Yeah, just give me about 20-30 minutes.” I couldn’t wait 20-30 minutes and we had discussed earlier that if I need help now, I should tell him that so I can get help now.

My first reaction was to walk away thinking, “Thanks for nothing. I guess I’ll do it myself,” which is what I had been doing. So I went into the kitchen and thought about it, realizing that if I just let it go I’d be ticked off at both him and myself and would get no help. So I walked to the family room again and said, “Hey, can you get off that thing now and help me? It really can’t wait - it’s hard for me to cook with kids clinging to me.”

His response was, “Yeah. Just a few more minutes.” Finally I said, “Look, I realize I’ve been a doormat here, but I’m not going to do it again. I need your help. Now.”

He took that to mean, “I’ve been a powerless victim for too long. You’ve been wiping your shoes on me and I’m so taken for granted.” My intention was, “Hey, I’ve been allowing this to happen to me, but I’m not going to do it anymore. You agreed to help me when I need it. Get off the X-box and help now.”

For my husband, the sticking point was the doormat comment. Apparently, every time he’s heard it, it has had meaning b. Every time I’ve heard it or used it, it had meaning a. I couldn’t fathom how on earth what I said could be construed to be meaning b, but wanted to find out if anyone else had heard it to mean that.

When he thought I meant meaning b, he took it as a passive-aggressive stab while I thought I was taking some sort of responsibility. That’s why I asked.

12

Yes. That’s how I interpret choice one here: not powerless victim. Choice two is powerless victim.

Like I said, I think both interpretations are equally valid, but I’ve probably heard it more often the way the OP’s husband has heard it, in the sense of a bullied victim finally reaching their breaking point.

13

After your explanation I would like to change my answer from the first one to the last one.

That is, I still agree with your interpretation, but I can see how your husband might have interpreted it differently. I fail to see why it turned into a debate, though. A simple explanation from you should have settled the meaning right then and there.

14

I don’t think so. In an academic sense, maybe, but not in a real world sense. In the real world sense it means “I’ve been giving you my power all this time, but now I’m taking it back.” Or “I refuse to act like a helpless victim anymore.”

15

Exactly. I was thinking the same thing after reading the OP. Why the hell is this a debate? The same would apply to consulting a dictionary during an argument. Webster doesn’t have any friggin clue what someone meant when s/he used a particular word.

16

I take it to mean that your husband is nitpicking the wording of a plain English sentence to divert your attention from the fact that he agreed to help you, but was not actually willing.

17

Okay, “I’ve been a powerless victim for too long. You’ve been wiping your shoes on me and I’m so taken for granted” is one level of meaning for “doormat,” though it’s a rather dramatic one that I think is reading into it more than what was said. However, “…but I’m not going to do it again. I need your help. Now” is anything but passive-aggressive. It’s assertive.

I suspect he stopped listening after he heard the word “doormat.” I share your befuddlement at his interpretation. Sometimes people mean what they actually say rather than what the listener thinks they meant behind some sort of code speak. Perhaps your husband needs to embrace that idea.

18

In context, there’s really no significant distinction between the two meanings. The upshot is that you needed his help and while you previously deferred demanding it, you were now going to demand it.

Under both meanings, it implies that your husband was doing something that you wanted him to stop doing and that at this point you were now insisting on it.

19

Is he a native English speaker? I ask because it sounds to me like he’s interpreting “doormat” too literally, while understanding that it’s a metaphor, but not really grokking it. He’s sees a doormat as a person he’s being accused of “wiping his feet all over” (which is quite close to literal), not a person who just allows other to act around them without making their needs known (which is closer to the idiom, and closer to what you meant, I think.)

Either way, if you’re getting sidetracked into this argument about what the sentence meant, you’re completely missing the real problem in your marriage, I think. Believe me, I know how easy it is to keep the argument on the topic that doesn’t really matter, but in the long run, it’s not going to improve your relationship. It’s much scarier to talk about the real issue(s) at hand, but it’s the only way things will change.

20

English is my husband’s second language, which is why, once he explained why he thought what he thought, I was kind of relieved. He was taking the phrase very literally. My relief dissipated somewhat, though, when I realized that he still doesn’t quite believe me, despite having now read a dictionary definition of the slang use of the term.

It never entered my mind that, to him, I was playing the victim when my intent was actually the opposite. Looking at it from a more objective standpoint (mostly typing it out), I can see it both ways.

The whole exchange really just left me scratching my head.