Inspired by another thread where the OP was asking if he should be mad at his GF for blowing him off (and not in the good kind of way), I am left wondering - why do some people allow themselves to be such doormats?
What makes people feel a need to be so accomadating regardless of how they are treated or mistreated by others?
The need to be accepted mostly. We all want to be liked to some degree or another. Some people just take it farther. They are scared that they will be rejected if they aren’t doormats.
Ah, msmith. See, some people *love * and respect women. And when they feel that way about a “special lady”, they want to be understanding and caring, instead of always looking out for themselves. I know, I know, it’s a difficult concept for someone with misogynistic tendencies to understand. It’s not being a doormat, it’s being in love.
linkety-link?
I’ve avoided reading the thread in question simply to try to keep this thread as general as possible, so understand that I do not know the specific circumstances that you may be referring to.
Speaking generally, shouldn’t the woman have some consideration for their “special man” if they are in a relationship? Isn’t blowing someone off considered selfish behavior?
I agree with Harborwolf.
Some people fear being viewed as difficult or high-maintenance or an asshole/jerk/bitch. They believe it is better to be unhappy and liked/accepted than be true to oneself and (potentially) alone.
Of course women should be considerate of men also. I’d never suggest anything different. I’m saying that when you love someone, you’re usually more willing (or should be) to work it out when something like this comes up. Not that it wasn’t wrong for her to blow him off, but what else would you have him do- become outraged at her, call her names, kick her ass? He’s hurt, yes, and that’s understandable. But he obviously cares about this woman and is looking for a way to express his feelings to her about the situation while remaining caring and loving towards her. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
Being in love doesn’t require doormatism.
If a couple demonstrates mutual respect and honesty, situations like the mentioned thread don’t have to happen.
Overly accomodating people, men and women, usually learned it at mamma’s and/or daddy’s knee.
They are taught to be invisible, to never offend, to never, never make a scene. Standing up for one’s self would be making a scene.
In adulthood, they continue to please whomever the see as the authority/care giver. They are often unhappy, and, of course, blame themselves, becoming even more frustrated and unhappy.
I’m so glad I’m a screaming, selfish b***h 
In answer to the OP, I’ve had many female friends who’ve been HORRIBLE dormats for years because they are **terrified of being alone. **
One knew her husband was cheating on her.
One had a drug- and alcohol-addicted husband who couldn’t keep a job.
One had four children and said she didn’t care what he did as long as he made the mortgage payments and took care of her and the kids financially.
Yikes.
Better say this again. I have not read the thread that the op is referring to. I am keeping this thread as general as possible and answering the question in the op. I was not recommending that anyone have their asses kicked fer tha love of pete. Take a deep breath.
I’ve been guilty of being a doormat. Various reasons but mostly due the fact that my older brother was pretty emotionally abusive and unchecked by parents, other siblings, etc… Anyway, back then, any time I was in the spotlight or was treated special it was always followed by a terrible retribution. I learned to not ask for what I want and to try to stay in the shadows.
I’ve stopped that.
(Sort of)
It is a problem when it is a case of cut and dried shitty behavior like in the thread mentioned. If someone allows that type of behavior to repeat, they are indeed a doormat. You have two options in such a scenario: you can let it slide or you can be assertive and try to correct that behavior in the future. Letting it slide sets a bad precedent and can make someone lose respect for themselves.
A new girlfriend or boyfriend is not someone you should be bending over backwards trying to try to accomodate. That doesn’t bode well for the future. She isn’t some queen that you have to bow to and worship.
People become doormats for a few reasons: they are not assertive, they want others to like them, and they are scared of confrontation.
I am not a doormat at all. I recoil extremely hard if someone trys to turn me into one even for a second. Plus, I actually like it when people hate me.
I’m not a doormat myself, and I’d have to seriously re-evaluate the relationship if I’d gotten blown off in this manner. However, I assume that the man in question doesn’t want to end the relationship over this. I don’t think it’s being a doormat, I think he just really wants to be with this girl. If things like this kept happening, and he still wanted to be with her, then yes, he’s a doormat.
If this is the first time, though, then being willing to work with her on her behavior isn’t doormattish.
The first problem was that he had to ask us if he should be upset about the situation when it should be obvious that is the case. The second problem is that there was no mention of talking to her firmly about the situation. It is not black and white for dump/worship. You have to be careful though. Good doormat seamstresses can flip things around so fast that you are the one begging for forgiveness before you even know it.
As the doormat referred to in the original post, I’d say that this quote couldn’t be more accurate. It’s phrased in a way I wouldn’t phrase it, however.
I don’t want to be a controlling asshole. That’s all it comes down to. I won’t allow myself to be mistreated, disrespected, or lied to. Any of those, I’ll call out the person who has wronged me. But my tolerance for most things is naturally high, and I’m not one of those mopey doormats who says it’s okay on the surface but mopes later. When I say something is okay, I genuinely mean it.
Scared of confrontation is another biggie. I hate it.
And, yes, there’s the fact that I want people to like me. To directly reference my OP in that other thread, part of me is worried that if I said to her that she couldn’t see a baby because of my reception thing, she’d have to call the new parents and tell them “sorry, my boyfriend won’t let me go.” I hate that feeling.
I’m trying to get better. I know this is no way to be.
Yeesh, this is like my thread, the sequel. I love it, to be honest. I like getting the feedback, since it’s pretty obvious I’m not great at relationships, horrible at confrontation, and struggling with doormat issues.
No, I never mentioned talking to her firmly, because when I posted the OP in the OT, the event had just occurred and I was still fuming about it. Today she got called into work and got home with a terrible headache, so tonight wasn’t the night for it either. We just watched some TV and called it a night early.
And, to be honest again, I’m not at all upset about it anymore. Is that because I’m a doormat or because I get over my annoyances easily? I’m not sure.
I do still plan on having the talk with her, and I feel like now is a better time for it anyway since the badness has passed already.
>Overly accomodating people, men and women, usually learned it at mamma’s and/or daddy’s knee.
They are taught to be invisible, to never offend, to never, never make a scene. Standing up for one’s self would be making a scene.
In adulthood, they continue to please whomever the see as the authority/care giver. They are often unhappy, and, of course, blame themselves, becoming even more frustrated and unhappy.
Tidily said, picunurse!
I’m a complete doormat and hate it, but I learned it at great expense and haven’t changed it much after years of struggle. This can be a terrible burden and very hard to undo. It can be one of those things that people self destruct over, and maybe it never makes sense to people who don’t have the same problem.
From the point of view of the doormat, I have to wonder about the opposite question - Why are some people so ready to walk all over others? That’s the one that never makes sense to me.
I used to be a real doormat when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I always hid it and pretended that I didn’t take a lot of crap, but I knew I was taking a lot of crap. Mostly from my family and close friends and boyfriends. But I also would feel like I’d done something wrong if a salesperson was rude to me, etc.
I was depressed at a very young age and I know that I never felt sure of my own judgments so I would assume the people I loved new better than me in most cases. I think it can be very small things that sets a person into a doormat pattern. I think people can fall into that role if they have a crazy family. Usually there will be one person who tries to make peace and who takes everything to heart. People just have ways of polarizing under stress. One person will become the big bossy asshole and one person will try to compensate by being extra accommodating. Once you fall into the role of the accommodating person you lose faith that anyone would like you or even tolerate you if you spoke up on your own behalf, and then you start to attract people who aren’t so great. Really cool people don’t generally feel comfortable around a doormat. So only jerks like you. Then you wind up in a pattern of getting all your self esteem by defining yourself in opposition to the jerks in your life. Maybe they are inconsiderate and prone to temper tantrums, but you are Nice, so you have something to feel good about.
I don’t know why I changed, really. One day I just realized that all the relationships that were important to me were really sucky and I didn’t even like most of my friends. So I just decided to stand up for my own interests and if people stopped loving me I’d just have to accept it. I didn’t turn mean or anything, I just tried to be honest and not pretend to want to go places I didn’t want to go or listen to long boring stories that I didn’t want to hear, etc.
I understand why people will walk on a doormat. Reasonable people don’t expect to have to guess what another person wants. They go by what they’re told and by the actions that follow it up. If you never come out and stand up for yourself, people just assume you’re content with what they’re doing. People who are really cool can guess your true feelings, but they will usually get tired of having to guess when there are plenty of people out there who can just make it plain.
It’s hard to change when you are afraid nobody will like you any more. For me I just got to a point where I realized that being liked is just not that comforting or even challenging. Having a billion people calling you just so they can get something from you isn’t the same as being respected or cared about. I guess for me I got to the point where I felt like if it was a popularity contest I had won, but I had won by cheating. It’s hollow if people who love you don’t even know the real you.
You have doormat issues, they have control issues. People that walk over others have struggles of their own too. Not that I feel bad for them, but I’m sure they have internal issues with how they treat people. It’s the drive that feeds them, just like your drive to be a doormat. Understand that you don’t intend to be a doormat, but you are, yes? That’s the drive. You don’t want it, but you still put up with it. People that shit on you probably don’t want to shit on you, but it’s their drive to do so. I have no idea why.