The epitaph of the dead at Thermopylae is hard to beat:
Tell them in Sparta, passerby,
that here, obedient to their laws, we lie
My dad was on the board of our local cemetery association for many years. His favorite headstone, by a widower for his late wife in the early 1900s, was:
Forty years with a tongue so sharp
O angels, give her a harp!
My own epitaph will probably just be my name and birth and death years.
My plan is to have my ashes scattered in a particular sand trap on a particular golf course. I already spent an eternity there, so I figure it’ll feel homey.
I also figure, as that sand trap is near the hole, with the assistance of numerous golfers I’ll eventually be on the green.
I don’t know.
I notice that at least one of the journals I published in has disappeared, hardly anybody knows about, and my work in it isn’t cited even where it’s relevant.
Seeing that, it’s hard to beat the classics:
“A man was born … He lived and he died!”
From this Peanuts strip, which is linked in this old thread.
“A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.”
“She made a difference”
Yeah, that could work.
A finger in the water.
Vidi,
Vici,
Veni. I saw, I conquered, I came. 
In all likelihood I won’t have a gravestone at all so this is more for the humour than anything (such as it is.) A reading of of Mary Elizabeth Frye will suffice as I scatter to the wind and wave.
“Died as he lived, in a woodchipper”
wait, 70 posts in and still nobody had submitted “Get Off My Lawn” ?
Rock on
“Look out behind you!”
Maybe my 1x3x9 grave marker will read:
“It’s full of stars”
Mine actually might be closer to:
I wish, but I’m not nearly there.
“When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”
“The best example he ever set was what not to do with your life.”
Sausage, olives and mushrooms.
What?
Sorry, I read the question as “What do you want on your Tombstone?”
“Death, I welcome your cold embrace, release from this fever called life.”
(A phrase I came up with around 1996. I’m rather proud of it.)
In reality, there will be no grave, so no epitaph, which is fine by me.
Say what now?
I could go the Harry Dresden route: “He died doing the right thing.”, but it’s questionable that I’ll ever stick that landing.
I don’t much care for my adopted state, and often gratuitously and irrationally blame all my misfortune upon it. I’ve often said that my epitaph would be, “Fucking” then the name of my state.
Here Lies
Face Intentionally Left Blank
Fucking (state)
or possibly:
“Well, that was the long way around just to end up here.”
Don’t just stand there! Get me the hell out of here!
or
HELP!
or
*You too, one day
*
It’s been done.