this applies to males. women have it really easy in this category.
my neighbor was a very sheltered, person when growing up, i’d think. he goes out, and drinks, and parties, but he has a shithouse full of “one time, at bandcamp” type stories that never cease to come out of his mouth. he’s also very religious, and my roommate and i think he’s stuck very deep in the closet and isn’t going to permit himself to come out. yes, he’s a virgin. yes, he’s religious. those are two strikes against joining the real world. his parents were divorced, and my roomie seems to think that’s contributing to his deal. the neighbor also admitted to this girl that he doesn’t know how to flirt at all, and it seems like he’s had a chunk of interaction with females/growing up in relationships that never happened. i’ve seen it in movies that a group of guys get together and put training wheels on their virgin buddy and walk him through the rigors of the female gender and all its pitfalls.
so…two questions…
how do i approach sitting him down and trying to break through his bubble without him getting defensive? (which i assume will happen no matter what)
and, upon completion of breaking down the bubble, how are we going to get him laid? he’s already built quite a reputation for himself…i assume that we’d have to transplant him to another pond or group of people to hang out with entirely…but then that just looks like we’re trying to make him “into someone he’s not”.
this is about the point where a mod says that my title is misleading. if you want to spruce it up and make it more accurate, have at it.
As a woman, here is my contribution…
but first, the questions.
How old is your friend and does he want to merely get laid?
How picky is he about the person he shags?
Will this be an entirely self-gratifying experience for him or does he want to be “good”?
Now.
Yes. Of course you are trying to make him into something he’s not. You’re trying to make him into a sexually active person.
Yes. You may have to transport him to another area to do this.
I need more info before I can advise you, but I can ask why would a woman want to have sex with this man? Would she like him? Would she have fun?
The better question would be: Why do you feel it’s even within your right to try and make him into who you think he should be?
If he’s not happy with who he is, then one of two things will happen: he’ll remain unhappy, or he’ll make changes at his own pace, in his own way (which may or may not include reaching out to friends/neighbors/professionals/you for help).
And, being a virgin is not a strike “against joining the real world”.
That said, if he’s really interested in making a change he needs two things: self-confidence and patience.
Why has it become your responsibility to redefine this guy’s lifestyle? It’d be one thing if he was coming to you for help (“Dude, I need to get laid before my prostate explodes…”) but quite another for your to force your “assistance” upon him.
And if your description is anywhere near accurate, I don’t think getting his…lessee, how can I put it in a way that isn’t crude or indelicate…aha, “getting his boner smooched” is going to magically fix his problems. That never works outside of a John Hughes teen angst movie. This guy needs some serious emotional rewiring before he’s ready for prime time, and trying to short across the building transformer isn’t going to be much good for him or his hypothetical female counterpart.
I’ve always had trouble in that department. The only way I’d definitely get some is to slut myself out on the street corner. But I really don’t want any from the alcoholic vagrant down the block who would most likely try to pay me with bottlecaps and leave behind a raging case of crabs/the clap/a rash.
Currently I’ve gone about 8 months without and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. There’s lots of women who are nowhere near as lucky as you might think.
Your roommate and you think he’s deeply stuck in the closet. Are you going to try to get him to go out with boys, and probably insult and humiliate him? Or are you going to try to get him to go out with girls, and probably make him even more confused and humiliated?
I don’t think you should be taking your cue from movies where a bunch of guys get together to get their virgin buddy laid.
You’ll be much better off getting him to talk to you about it, if he thinks this is a problem, than making him some sort of Teen Movie Makeover Project.
my neighbor is 19, i think. i don’t know if he WANTS to get laid…i think his catholic upbringing might be getting in the way of that. he says he’s not afraid of sex in front of us guys, but i don’t know if he really believes is.
well, no. i’m not necessarily wanting to make him into something he’s not. he’s just in a shell, and he needs to get out of that shell some time. it’s not my duty to get him out of it, but i am doing it as a friendly “happy neighbor day” present.
um…would someone want to fuck him? um…well…i don’t know. i’ve heard girls say he’s relatively cute until he opens up his mouth. i’ll have to search for more insight onto his desirability…i’ll get back to you on this.
well, forgive me if i’m coming across like this is a shitty plot for a teen movie…which, i admit, it might be, but i don’t necessarily think getting him laid will be a magic bullet. i think that the steps UP TO getting him laid and then the cherry on the top will help him gauge if there has been a change, and if so, positive or negative?
perhaps the “stuck in the closet” thing was harsh…we think he COULD be. i didn’t necessarily want to imply that he’s sexually confused, but if he is confused, we see it coming.
and as to the last part…we would like to talk to him about it. that’s part (if not, the biggest part) is that we can’t quite formulate a way to bring it up without putting him on the defensive, which doesn’t look like it would happen.
Yeaaaah, I don’t think I’d want to have sex in front of you guys, either. Heh.
You ever hear the phrase, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”? It sounds like you need to sound your friend out to figure out if he even wants to climb out of that shell, lest you lose a friend in the process of offering up your “friendly happy neighbor day present”. Giving him the “Hey, we’re going to get you laid because you’re too much of a pathetic loser to do it yourself,” just might be taken as an implied insult by some people, ya know? He might be a lot happier with a ship-in-a-bottle kit.
And I can’t say I know many Catholics that had a serious religious problem problem with engaging in premarital sex. A few “Hail Mary, thou art in Heaven”'s later and it’s all taken care of. (Pentacostialists, on the other hand…there are some seriously twisted people.) Methinks your buddy has some kind of deeper aversion to the act. Maybe you could start by helping him out with his case of Foot In Mouth disease, and if he wills it, the rest will probably fall into place.
Did you guys just watch the 40 year old virgin or something? Poor thang, he’s got a good 21 to go before you decide to set a transsexual hooker on him, you know.
A small piece of advice. It is very, very tempting to offer our friends unsolicited advice about how to live their lives. After all, from our objective standpoint, we can see what they’re doing wrong. We may be able to help guide them onto a path that, in our opinion, will bring them all the happiness in the world.
Unfortunately, experience and time have taught me that offering unsolicited advice is rarely a good idea. For example, how would you approach him? “Dude, you’re really a social nerd and the chicks think you’re a dork, although you could be cute if you’d keep your mouth shut. Let me teach you how to act normal in public and then we’ll get you laid.”
Do you understand how that could be both counterproductive and humiliating for your neighbor? If your neighbor approaches you and asks for your help or your advice, then by all means, help him. But unless people ask for your help, I have found it is far better simply to be their friend without trying to “reform” them.
Count me in with those saying that you probably shouldn’t “help” the guy in this regard, unless he’s asked for it. Maybe some gentle prodding in the right direction – you mentioned he goes out with you and drinks; next time you’re out and he comments that a girl is hot, maybe you could encourage him to go talk to her or something like that. And if the music’s loud enough she won’t even have to hear whatever dorky thing he’s saying.
Assuming that he’s not gay, he may have placed the pussy on a pedestal so to speak. In other words, it’s been made into such a big deal in his mind that he’s psyched himself out.
Or something about his upbringing or relationships may have created the mental block.
Or he could just be a little shy around women. I had that problem when I was a little younger than you guys. Not that I was a particularly shy guy in general, but it just took a few awkward attempts and missed opportunities to figure out the timing of things.
If he actually wants to get laid, all you can do is the same thing the rest of us do. Go out to places where drunk girls hang out - parties, bars, etc - and try to pick them up using various techniques until you stumble onto somthing that works for you.
Jay: “That’s how a tiger know he got to tackle a gazelle. There’s a code written in his DNA. It says, ‘Tackle the gazelle’”
Andy: “Okay.”
Jay: “And believe it or not, in every man, there’s a code written that says: ‘Tackle drunk bitches.’”
Your friend needs to learn how to use his peripherals.
I’m 40 pages into it. If not used for pure evil and malicous intentions ( one night stands or some kind of sexual competitions of whom can score faster) there are some interesting ways to break the ice and get the conversation going.Again, I’m barely toe-deep into this book, but it is fascinating.
( I thought it was a book about conmen. In a sad way it really is.)
Until your friend learns how to interact with people and stopping the bragging, which comes from insecurity and a major desperation to belong to the herd.) he will remain in a very sad state (and virginity isn’t figured into it. It’s his mental game.)
Do you think he ‘learned’ from TV, Movies and other media how ( not) to interact with women? If he hasn’t experienced two adults that don’t hate each other interact with the opposite sex ( or even with buddies) he just might have imprinted himself on Movies and such.
That’s only in the early beta release. Talk2Wmn 0.9.4_stable utility substitutes in the “Romance women with flowers and witticisms” algorithm; however, it is incompatible with early development stage system kernels and requires configuring a number of system variables such as $RESPECT=on, $CLASS=high, and $LISTEN=active. It also helps to have a large cache of DDRM self esteem on-board, though a sufficent excess of system hardware resources can compensate for pipeline bursts. It also means that you have to have the the appropriate binaries in /bin/wtty or the /lib/pam_conversation library installed.
The kicker is that you have to interface with a compatible NIS system, and that requires either similar hardware instruction sets or a superior software emulation protocol that permits real-time conversion of host system calls to intelligible target system commands; otherwise the target system fails to validate the incoming information packets and refuses a connection. Sometimes authentication can be augmented by using one of the third-party EtherNol communication utilities, but that often leads to a degradation of packet throughput and signal quality, which isn’t helped by the generally poor bandwidth quality and noise level of networks where EtherNol can be applied. You also have to be aware of other hosts trying to hack across your link and cut you out; you definitely want to isolate your network or use some kind of public key encryption protocol if you can to ensure a secure link. It’s also recommended that you obtain and use absolute IP addresses as opposed to DHCP or unqualified hostnames, particularly if you want to connect to the target system in the future. And it’s always important to secure your system against virus attacks; the use of the trojan-1.2.x or OpenLATEX-4.x or later prophylactic software is definitely recommended unless you are very familar with the target system and confident that the sysop maintains an uncorrupted system. Of course you should always use sudo to manage operator permissions and disable root access whenever possible to prevent unsuspecting attacks by malicious users.
Yeah…this is why I’m at home, alone, on a Saturday night. Hey, I just spent the day trying to get apache up and running on an SGI box and get a MediaWiki configured. What do you expect? Now, should I watch Casablanca or Being John Malkovich?
That’s only in the early beta release. Talk2Wmn 0.9.4_stable utility substitutes in the “Romance women with flowers and witticisms” algorithm; however, it is incompatible with early development stage system kernels and requires configuring a number of system variables such as $RESPECT=on, $CLASS=high, and $LISTEN=active. It also helps to have a large cache of DDRM self esteem on-board, though a sufficent excess of system hardware resources can compensate for pipeline bursts. It also means that you have to have the the appropriate binaries in /bin/wtty or the /lib/pam_conversation library installed.
The kicker is that you have to interface with a compatible NIS system, and that requires either similar hardware instruction sets or a superior software emulation protocol that permits real-time conversion of host system calls to intelligible target system commands; otherwise the target system fails to validate the incoming information packets and refuses a connection. Sometimes authentication can be augmented by using one of the third-party EtherNol communication utilities, but that often leads to a degradation of packet throughput and signal quality, which isn’t helped by the generally poor bandwidth quality and noise level of networks where EtherNol can be applied. You also have to be aware of other hosts trying to hack across your link and cut you out; you definitely want to isolate your network or use some kind of public key encryption protocol if you can to ensure a secure link. It’s also recommended that you obtain and use absolute IP addresses as opposed to DHCP or unqualified hostnames, particularly if you want to connect to the target system in the future. And it’s always important to secure your system against virus attacks; the use of the trojan-1.2.x or OpenLATEX-4.x or later prophylactic software is definitely recommended unless you are very familar with the target system and confident that the sysop maintains an uncorrupted system. Of course you should always use sudo to manage operator permissions and disable root access whenever possible to prevent unsuspecting attacks by malicious users.
Yeah…this is why I’m at home, alone, on a Saturday night. Hey, I just spent the day trying to get apache up and running on an SGI box and get a MediaWiki configured. What do you expect? Now, should I watch Casablanca or Being John Malkovich?
