I’m 19 years old and still a virgin. I’m not to worried about it, but my neighbor keeps nagging at me to “get laid”, and he and his buddies keep pressuring me to take home some drunk girl and “hit it”. I come from a religious background and my parents always taught me to be respectful to both women and myself. I would like to meet women, but I’m kind of shy and awkward, plus I always manage to say the wrong thing whenever I open my mouth. I don’t have much experience with flirting, and talking to drunk girls in bars is really difficult because I can’t understand what they’re saying. (My neighbor says that this doesn’t matter, and I’ll I need to do is keep nodding my head until the girl is ready to “put out”, but again, that goes against my upbringing.) I’d like to learn how to talk to girls, and my neighbor seems to be pretty good at it, but when it comes to sex I’d like to take it slow, at least with the first few girls. How do I convince my neighbor to let me be?
Also, my neighbor smells like turnips. How to I tell him that he stinks without offending him.
Try this. The next time your friend starts on this subject, grab his hand, stare deeply into his eyes and tell him you think it would be wonderful to lose your virginity to a close friend. Thank him for understanding that this is what you need, then stand and start walking towards your bedroom. Your friend sounds like the kind of guy that will scream and run from you and never raise the subject again.
If he doesn’t though, and his eyes light up too, then you’re on your own. Improvise and lubricate.
Oops! I didn’t realize that there was a poster named Lonesome Loser. Obviously, our hypthetical young virgin is a different individual, insofar as he is merely a creation of my demented imagination.
Tell your friend that you are saving yourself for a girl who is really into scat porn and pseudo-necrophilia. Ask your friend, no hound your friend all the time, about helping you find such a girl. Confess to your friend that you keep a box of dog doo under the beg because that is the only way you can acheive orgasm at night. Ask your friends what are his favorite aspects of feces. Tell your friend that you never thought Princess Diana was all that hot until you saw some “before” and “after” photos from that Paris underpass. Yowzahh!
Dear LL,
Sneak into his house when he’s out and steal his Adam Sandler DVD’s: break them into pointy shards and use one to scratch into the paintwork of his car “Porky’s was not a documentary, shithead”. Then move.
Go pubbing with your neighbour. Chat up a drunk girl and take her home. Witness to her if you like, just so long as he sees you leave with her.
The next day, thank him profusely for pushing you into the encounter.
Then, over the course of a few weeks, feign a horrible venereal disease. Tell him that your testicles ruptured, and that your penis became necrotic and fell off. Hold out your hand to display a turkey neck that you’ve let the cat play with overnight.
You know, I wrote out a whole big post on what assholes your neighbours were, full of vitriol and venom. Then, I realized you probably know all this.
So, since it appears you already know the answer to your question, I’m just going to wish you good luck and let you know you’re on the right track.
Stranger On A Train’s fantasy conversation with his neighbour:
Turnip Neighbour: “Dude, just find some drunk chick and hit it!” SOAT: “So if I understand you correctly, you’re advocating that I stick my dick into some drunk woman who will let them stick their dick in them with a minimum of conversation? Two things: 1. You are the reason there is a need for penicillin. 2. You make me sad.” TN: “Fuck you!” SOAT: “OK, but not with your dick, I don’t know where it’s been.”
we could have always talked through this via email, but we want to start a thread.
i’ve got no problem with that…have at it.
i do believe i might have said that what i wanted, for my neighbor, was to help him a bit out of his shell. i wouldn’t expect him to come up and say “hey, help me out of my shell”, which is fine and dandy.
anyways, long story short, it’s not that i wanted necessarily to get him laid. sure, i may have said that in the original post, but i thought the post would also probably sprout off into different areas as well.
anyways, if you want to get rid of the confusion, feel free to email me. or you could just keep on going with the fun (and inaccurate) typecasting that some of the people replying to this thread seem to like to engage in.
i’d have emailed you with this reply, but you’ve got your email responses turned off. mine should be in my profile.
Ah, I wouldn’t worry, LOUNE. For one thing it’s an MPSPit, and beyond that, I’m pretty sure he’s just joking around with your concept. Can’t speak for Stranger but I just can’t see the OP being intended as a knock on you personally.
My new catchphrase!