hehe, i keep screwing around with user options
(stay tuned for further screw-ups)
You definitely need an editor who has no idea of storyflow, so the resulting movie feels like a series of independent scenes with no connecting storyline, sometimes even appearing out of order. Oh, and you need to get the boom mike at least three times in every scene.
This describes the worst film I ever saw. It was so bad I blocked the name out of my mind, but it starred the chick from Point Break.
This is a good place to start looking for guidelines.
Roger Corman.
How about a team up of Steve Guttenberg and that annoying brat on the Pepsi commercials. Throw in a scrappy dog who has thoughts that sound alot like Jar-Jar Binks. Use badly done special effects, like the kind on the old superman t.v. show. Make the soundtrack just slightly off so it doesn’t match the actors lips. Rip off bad jokes/scenes from 20 other bad movies. The whole thing should play like an after school special, but use the “F” word once so it gets an R rating. Advirtise the living shit out of it.
Directed by Yoko Ono. Cameo Appearances by William Shattner and Adam West. Music by Rick Dees, Freddy Fender, and John Trovolta.
Oh, and it’s in 3-D!
Okay, here’s my take on this:
- Written & starring Carrot Top
- Co-starring, as the best-buuuuuddie, Pauly Shore
- Directed by Joel Shumacher
- The title: Suck
- Make sure the title is name-dropped every five minutes, but use the name wrong (Example:
Carrot Top: Hey, remember that thing we did last night. Man that suck.
Pauly Shore: Weeeassel!!!)
-kind of like the movie Fled (“Man, we gotta fled!”)
6) Musical Score by Yanni and Kenny G
7) All costumes for Carrot Top & Shore by Victoria Secret
8) Love interests: Shelley Duval and Shannon Doherty
9) Basic plot of the movie is obviously tied to product placement (Carrot Top & Shore are trying to find a mystical can of Pepsi, so Carrot Top can finish his collection and get Shelley Duval to love him)
10) Produced by Pamela Anderson and Anna Nichole Smith
Holy fuck, this movie would suck!
Or how about a film about a single mother with a new born. The babie is in EVERY scene, and all it does is cry. WAH!WAH!WAH!WAH!WAH! For 2 hours. And this one is a musical!
It’s also in 3-D!
Product placements. It’s gotta have lots of real obvious product placements.
How about a remake? 
"…And starring Pauly Shore as ‘Torgo’ ! "
(But, I did like the MST3K version of Manos. I’d agree it would be a hurtin’ experience to watch it while taking the film seriously.
Thanks a lot. I almost had the piece of crap out of memory. Saw it on MST3K, and it was STILL to sucky to watch.
Ah, but that was one of my favorite episodes! Although the movie itself was awful!
Think a REMAKE would be bad? I know that someone wrote a SEQUEL…a friend of mine MiSTied it…
Ugh!
Only this time…Torgo has a SON! He procreated! AAHHH!!!
Well, I think we have to distinguish between Good bad movie actors, and just plain Bad bad movie actors.
Good bad movie actors:
Joe Don Baker
M. Emmet Walsh
James Garner
Bad bad movie actors
David Hasslehoff (and I did watch “Nick Fury” - a classic train wreck)
Ricki Lake
Tori Welles
Did you know that Joe Don Baker wants to kick everyone’s ass at MST3K for Mitchell?
At this juncture, I think it’s appropriate for me to plug the Bad Movie Night website at http://www.hit-n-run-com. Contains reviews, written by ordinary folks, of the worst cinema ever to pollute the screen.
And I’m not sayin’ that just because some of my reviews are on there. (cough Independence Day cough Battlefield Earth cough Nightfall cough)
ARRRGH! That URL should be www.hit-n-run.com.
Oh, lighten up Joe!
“Yes, yes! They have successfully merged!”
“It’s really hard to follow someone in a slow-motion car chase when they put their turn signals on.”
Just a few additional tips:
-Make sure all your writers are on cocaine, so that they will be convinced they’ve churned out the deepest, most inspiring story ever put down on paper.
-Film 80% of the movie, then replace your lead actor and start over. Hype your cost overruns as part of the publicity.
-Have the director’s version be 5 1/2 hours long, then chop it down to a still too long 2 3/4 hours, making sure to only cut out the parts that would explain the character’s motives.
-Cast a former child actress in her first adult role as a psychoslut prostitute opposite a lead actor 40 years older than her.
-Use the most worn out cliche of the greying Boomer generation-- the cynical Antihero bravely battling the corrupt system- and act like it’s the first time anyone’s ever done it.
P.S. Remember The Producers however!
Lead role: Bob Sagat, 'nugh said.
First: the movie that has Jim Kelly, but only as a cameo.
Then, have Jet Li shoot a gun only, like he’s Chow Yun-Fat.
Have this movie star Bruce Le or Bruce Li.
Have it directed by John Travolta.
Ouch, this movie is too bad already. I’ll stop the list here.
I think it’s just a matter of making sure everybody you hire onto the project is doing it just for money, with absolutely no heart into it whatsoever.