If you were to make the worst movie in history, how would you do it?
I know this: It would star Pauly Shore.
Well, I think that about sums it up.
Not even.
Pauly Shore couldn’t make the worst movie in history beacause nobody expects anything from Pauly Shore.
My first thought for worst is “The Scarlet Letter”. Not because any one expects anything from Demi Moore, but because they started with Hawthorne. A book which, even if you really felt the need to update it, still has the potential for a compelling story from about ten differnt perspectives. All of which the movie manages to avoid.
I would first pick a story by a bad sci-fi author like L. Ron, have the screenplay done by Tarantino, with a last minute rewrite by Adam Sandler
It would directed by a collaborative effort by Kevin Costner and Oliver Stone, which would make it 4 hours long and incomprehesible.
It would star McCauley Caulkin, John Travolta and Darryl Hannah.
The DP(director of photography) and cameramen would be taken from the Batman TV series.
The costume designer would be who ever does costumes for Dr Who.
Finally throw on a soundtrack by Brittany Spears.
If I wanted to make the worst movie in history, how would I do it?
I would hire Henry Jaglom to write and direct.
There was a book out called “Rules of Thumb”, in the 2nd or 3rd volume, they printed some of my ways to tell if the movie will be a stinker:
Never see a movie with a Simian as a Co-star.
Never see a movie where the “stars” are all 2nd rate US stars, but the names of the crew all end in vowels.
Never see a movie advertised as a “laff riot” or “zany”.
Never see a movie where they have a nurse stationed in the lobby, or they won’t let you in during the “final 10 terrifing minute”.
So a terrible film would be some sort of horror-comedy movie, made overseas, with a chimp in it.
i think joel schumacher should be director , for one of the criteria (batman)
hehe!
And a really terrible film will have, in an important supporting or starring role, a professional athlete.
I’m in agreement with Chief. Rubber nipples would definitely have to be a component.
The worst film of all time would:
- Star Jean Claude Van Damme as a tortured artiste.
- Have a cute (cute as in annoying as FUCK!!!) little kid giving relationship advice to adults.
- Be directed by Ed Wood.
- Feature Kylie Minogue in a supporting role (Kylie having also written the score).
- Feature, on the poster campaign, a positive comment from Trout Wranglers Weekly.
- Be adapted for the screen by Quentin Tarantino from a book by Joseph Heller, giving it a surreal edge which would be lost due to the overuse of flashbacks.
- Rubber nipples, obviously.
The dialogue would have to be written by the same people who write the dialog for porn movies. Ditto with the soundtrack.
And you would have to spell dialog 2 different ways in the same sentence!
Just to seal the deal, you might also want to dub public radio-type voices over the actual actors’–even though they speak the same language.
And include a vague and pointless color/object for symbolism and never once in the film explain what the symbolism means or allude to.
Include a talking animal.
First I would hire a Sit-Com star who has become too big for his britches. I’d team him up with a couple of respected, if not successful film actors. Throw them a hastily written script, based on a sixties cult classic tv series, and how it relates its throngs of geeky fans. Then I would spend the rest of my budget on make-up for the lead heavy.
I would instruct the director to show nothing but apathy in his work, and the editors to “just make it watchable, but don’t kill yourselves trying”.
Then I’d title it Galaxy Quest, release it, and laugh maniacally.
I have to agree with the Pauly Shore thing.
And the simian-in-a-starring-role thing.
But I repeat myself. 
Manos: the Hands of Fate…the most God awful piece of cinematic garbage ever made.
- Base it on a book by Brett Easton Ellis…
- Hire Joe Ezterhaus to write the screenplay…
- Get Michael Bay to direct…
- Have Sharon Stone or Madonna in a leading role…
- Have Nicolas Cage or Will Smith in the starring role…
- Get any one of the castmembers of Friends to show up onscreen…
- Get Tom Arnold to play the wisecrackin’ sidekick to Mr. Cage or Mr. Smith…
- Get Rupert Everett to play the celibate gay best friend of Stone or Madonna…
- Base four of five (at least!) major scenes around big explosions, and CGI effects…
and the c’oup de grace…
- a soundtrack by Jewel!
Guarunteed travesty of a movie…but a sequel WILL follow!
Sometimes the formula is a mystery. You can have all the elements of a blockbuster like terrorits, tall buildings and helecopter chases but sometimes not even Anna Nicole Smith’s tits aren’t enough to save a direct to video bomb like Skyscraper.
For something without even ANS’s silicone enhanced assets as a redeeming quality and mind numbing, MST3K badness, try Equinox They had the gall to show this student made, turd on celluloid on American Movie Classics last Friday.
i agree with all but it would also need Keanu Reeves as a co-star, and would have humor written in by Howard Stern
walk softly but carry a big shlong