What does "showing respect" to your SO mean?

[Lakai]

@Superhal

Examples:

1. She likes shiny things (like jewelry,) and when we go shopping, she always is attracted to a crowd of people around a table. She also always spends hours and hours making the bed. So, I call her a bird, since her behavior is like a pigeon.

2. We got an air bed to replace the futon on our couch. When she sits on it, I rise up about 6 inches. So, I call her “stone butt.”

3. The other day, I called her “honey,” and she said it was the first time (she has memory issues.) So, I said I’d make a new sweety nickname for her: poop bird. She retorted: Why don’t you just call me stone bird?

Those are terrible. I laughed at how bad they were.

@Superhal

Nope. Is that a bad sign?

The only reason people tolerate funny insults is because they are funny. Not because the joker intended them to be funny. Lose the funny and it just becomes insulting.

[Vita_Beata]

No, I’m thinking your comedy routine doesn’t sound like fun for her.
How about testing yourself: No comedy remarks for three days. At any urge to make a wisecrack, come up with a sincere compliment about your wife. Find something good to say about her accomplishments, her actions, her looks … whatever you find attractive about her.
Sometimes respect is shown by reminding our closest people that we value them.

[Superhal]

Question for those of you from good families: how did your parents show respect to each other?

[tdn]

@Vita_Beata

come up with a sincere compliment about your wife.

Bolding mine.

[tdn]

@Superhal

Question for those of you from good families: how did your parents show respect to each other?

Good question but I’m not sure I can answer. It’s in everything they do. It’s just part of their lifestyle. I think that the key is that they honor each other. And they show respect because they honestly, genuinely respect each other. There are the occasional quips, but they’re never mean-spirited.

By the way, the fact that you even started this thread is huge. Major props for it!

[Lakai]

@Superhal

Question for those of you from good families: how did your parents show respect to each other?

Pretty much what norinew said. By paying attention to what the other person wants and then following through.

[TruCelt]

@Superhal

Examples:

1. She likes shiny things (like jewelry,) and when we go shopping, she always is attracted to a crowd of people around a table. She also always spends hours and hours making the bed. So, I call her a bird, since her behavior is like a pigeon.

2. We got an air bed to replace the futon on our couch. When she sits on it, I rise up about 6 inches. So, I call her “stone butt.”

3. The other day, I called her “honey,” and she said it was the first time (she has memory issues.) So, I said I’d make a new sweety nickname for her: poop bird. She retorted: Why don’t you just call me stone bird?

did she say it wistfully? Like she’d been waiting years to hear it? If so, drop the other names and call her sweet things from now on. you’ll be amazed at how much happier it can make you.

[tdn]

@Lakai

Pretty much what norinew said. By paying attention to what the other person wants and then following through.

You mean… Listening? Tell me you didn’t just say that.

[overlyverbose]

I love the idea of showing your wife you admire her.

For what it’s worth, I don’t see much harm in the bird comment, but again, I’m not your wife. But I would be upset if my husband called me stone butt. I have hangups about my weight, and getting called stone butt would feel like being called fat ass.

So, definitely, find ways to sincerely compliment your wife. And don’t just shut down any humor in the relationship. Just don’t direct that humor at your wife. In other words, don’t make fun of her, find something else funny so she can get in on the joke, too. And if she’s not laughing, talk about something else.

I’m sure that funny things happen to you during the day when you’re not with your wife - share those things with her.

I’m glad you’re trying to make it better.

[MandaJo]

@Superhal

Question for those of you from good families: how did your parents show respect to each other?

From the perspective of a child, one thing that really stuck out is that they often said nice things about each other to us: “Your daddy is such a nice man” or “Your mother’s ability to focus is nothing short of incredible”. I grew up thinking of both my parents as extraordinary, and I think that’s because that it how they saw each other. My husband and I strive for the same sort of dynamic.

ETA: Just two days ago I was on the phone with my dad, and he was speculating about how the company my mom works for will flounder when she retires at the end of the year. These sorts of remarks are pretty common from both my parents.

[alice_in_wonderland]

@Superhal

Question for those of you from good families: how did your parents show respect to each other?

My parents would tease each other all the time - I recall one story where mom and dad were in the tub together (big soaker tub). Dad picked his nose and was about to wipe it on the tub. Now - mom LOVED that tub and would spend about 45 minutes polishing it out with special tub polish. She freaked out and said 'Don’t wipe a booger on my clean tub!!!" So dad wiped it on her knee instead. Gross? Yes. Hilarious? Oh yes!

Why was it hilarious? Because my dad knew that my mom would laugh, and she did. She laughed so much she told everyone about it, including me. TMI perhaps, but that’s not really the point. The point is, dad knew my mom’s sense of humour and would do goofy things that he knew would make her laugh.

Here’s another thought - if you feel compelled to be hilarious (and I get the urge, being hilarious myself), perhaps make yourself the butt of your jokes for a while, rather than your wife. Rather than calling your wife stone butt, or pigeon, or whatever, why don’t you call yourself flabby butt, or hairy-feet, or something else that is true about yourself.

Show your wife that you can laugh at yourself when you’re being funny - not just laugh at her.

[KneadToKnow]

@Superhal

What does “showing respect” mean? Please give lots and lots of examples and situations.

Treat her like you’re on your first date.

[Asimovian]

@alice_in_wonderland

I recall one story where mom and dad were in the tub together (big soaker tub). Dad picked his nose and was about to wipe it on the tub. Now - mom LOVED that tub and would spend about 45 minutes polishing it out with special tub polish. She freaked out and said 'Don’t wipe a booger on my clean tub!!!" So dad wiped it on her knee instead.

Hilarious. Love it!

To the OP – please don’t read that to mean that wiping boogers on your wife is a sign of respect.

[alice_in_wonderland]

@Asimovian

Hilarious. Love it!

To the OP – please don’t read that to mean that wiping boogers on your wife is a sign of respect.

Hehe - only in the strangest of households!

[norinew]

@Superhal

We got an air bed to replace the futon on our couch. When she sits on it, I rise up about 6 inches. So, I call her “stone butt.”

See, you could make this funny and non-offensive by saying something like “Honey, you always did know how to make me rise six inches!” with a little wink.

[Giles]

@KneadToKnow

Treat her like you’re on your first date.

That might be a problem if you won’t have sex on a first date.

[Spice_Weasel]

@MandaJo

From the perspective of a child, one thing that really stuck out is that they often said nice things about each other to us: “Your daddy is such a nice man” or “Your mother’s ability to focus is nothing short of incredible”. I grew up thinking of both my parents as extraordinary, and I think that’s because that it how they saw each other. My husband and I strive for the same sort of dynamic.

Reminds me of the studies that say that happily coupled partners have an irrationally distorted positive opinion of their beloved. They tend to overestimate positive qualities and underestimate negative ones. I believe it because I am happily married and I think my husband is pretty god-like. I know he also feels the same way about me. We shower one another with compliments all the time. It feels wonderful to know that someone thinks that highly of you - how could you not love someone who is constantly making you feel so good about yourself?

That said, we talk an enormous amount of shit about each other at home. He makes fun of me for being so emotional and weird and I make fun of him for mispronouncing words and being incompetent in the kitchen. Occasionally we hit below the belt because the setup is too good to pass up. For example, he once asked, ‘‘What’s it like being married to a genius?’’ I replied, ‘‘I wouldn’t know.’’ He nearly fell on the floor he thought it was so funny, and I knew he would find it funny and that’s why it’s not disrespectful.

Sometimes we cross a line, but when that happens we let each other know it and apologies are instantaneous. He doesn’t like cracks about his therapeutic abilities and I don’t like jokes couched in sexist stereotypes (like the woman is always right and other dumb tropes.) And we lay off one another when we’re having a hard time. We don’t poke the soft spots.

The fact you made this thread proves you care and do respect your wife even if there’s a breakdown in communication there. I can’t imagine why she didn’t tell you this bothered her until now, but maybe it’s a cultural thing. Maybe your comments happen to be things that are particularly hurtful to her or maybe she finds them all hurtful, but either way, maybe you could ask her what ‘‘showing respect’’ means to her. We can all give you our definitions but really it’s her definition that matters.

[CrazyCatLady]

Treat your spouse at least as well as you would treat a coworker or customer. Basic rules of thumb:

1. Praise at least as much as you snark. It’s a lot easier to laugh at or at least shrug off insults when they’re not the bulk of what you hear.

2. You should be the butt of your snark at least 60% of the time. Again, easier to laugh at or at least shrug off when you don’t feel like the primary target.

3. Everyone has sore spots, and those are 100% absolutely, thoroughly, completely off-limits for snark.

[Superhal]

@olivesmarch4th

He doesn’t like cracks about his therapeutic abilities and I don’t like jokes couched in sexist stereotypes (like the woman is always right and other dumb tropes.)

The fact you made this thread proves you care and do respect your wife even if there’s a breakdown in communication there. I can’t imagine why she didn’t tell you this bothered her until now, but maybe it’s a cultural thing. Maybe your comments happen to be things that are particularly hurtful to her or maybe she finds them all hurtful, but either way, maybe you could ask her what ‘‘showing respect’’ means to her. We can all give you our definitions but really it’s her definition that matters.

So women ARE always right?

[MandaJo]

@Superhal

So women ARE always right?

People are always right about their own feelings. She’s not lying about how she feels, and no argument about how she should feel will change anything.