One problem with too much humor in a relationship is that it’s distancing. You’re wife may feel that she’s not hearing from you, but rather from a character that you’ve created. It’s not so much that you should be walking on eggshells, but that you should be sure to communicate some real thoughts and sincere feelings in with the jokes.
And sometimes it’s better just to let some of the easy joke opportunities pass by, because it can make it look like you’re not genuinely listening to what she’s saying.
My boyfriend and I like to poke fun of each other, and usually it’s all in good fun, but every now and then feelings get hurt, for whatever reason. I always try to be careful, especially when we’re with other people, not to cross that line. Sometimes it happens, and then we apologize and move on. We can do that because both of us believe that we do really respect each other, and any insult given is completely unintentional. Also, my boyfriend compliments and praises me just as much as he teases me. And both of us are capable of making fun of ourselves as well. All points already brought up by other posters above.
There’s teasing and and there’s teasing with tinge of truth.
I used to get along well with Janet a co-worker of mine. She actually liked me teasing and being sarcastic with you, because I took it to the extreme and it made her stand out.
She was a nice, shy, church going woman. For instance, I took her with me on a trip to San Francisco and I told others this, I said, “Man Janet was going nuts, she took off all her clothes and started yelling ‘look at me I’m a hippie’.”
OK this was funny 'cause obviously it could NOT have ever happened, in a million years. But the thought of Janet a nice, shy, church going lady, finally breaking loose in a liberal city like San Francisco is funny. But the only reason it’s funny is 'cause it could never be true.
She was also overweight, but I NEVER ONCE, said anything about her weight, nor would I joke about it. That would not be funny.
Sarcasm only works if you KNOW the person and KNOW it is not something that is going to irk them.
It’s not much different from showing respect to a family member you care about.
I’ve been the butt of constant, small jokes in my family before. For a few years as a teenager. It is just about the least pleasant experience you can possibly imagine (short of rape or something hugely traumatic). My sister often called me Blondie, she said because I was ditzy, but honestly I believe she was just trying to cut me down since she was a year behind me in the same school, and less academically strong (her strengths lie in other areas, though she’s not dumb by any means). And she probably got tired of her teachers saying “Oh, you’re Rachel’s sister!” the year after I had them; hence, I became Blondie.
She still calls me that sometimes, but I haven’t worked up the balls to tell her it bothers me, especially because I think the nickname is quasi-affectionate from her PoV now. Anyway, the point is that a seemingly teasing cutdown can bother someone for a long time because it’s still a cutdown. It’s really not cool to make someone the constant butt of your jokes.
ROFL! I think you are hilarious. However, I might not like to hear so much less-than complimentary funniness from my husband. I prefer to be cherished, and that he be funny about somebody else. “Pigeon, stone butt, poop bird,” um, no. How about “Baby, sweetheart, honey?”
Nicknames aren’t necessarily taboo, I think. My boyfriend calls me all sorts of teasing names but he does it affectionately. It’s more about the tone, I think, rather than the name per se.
Making your SO the butt of your jokes is plain bad form.
Showing respect means treating her like you, yourself, would like to be treated. Would you like it if someone you couldn’t get away from made fun of you on a regular basis? When you least expect it? When you’ve got your guard down and are thinking of something pleasant? When you’re just plain not in a kidding mood?
This one bugs me. The stone butt thing is just plain insulting and mean-spirited, IMO, but this crosses the line for me. Why on earth, when your wife expressed her liking for a nickname, would you slap her in the face by calling her something insulting instead? That is utter disrespect.
Example: I like food nicknames: pumpkin, cookie, sweetie pie, my hot little chili pepper… pretty much if you call me food, I’m cool with that. If I tell you I like that, you have my permission and I won’t be insulted if you call me liverwurst. (I would think that’s funny.) I do not like being called bad, naughty, dirty… things like that. (I spent years in church being told I’m bad and dirty because I have a sex drive :rolleyes:) I don’t think there’s any place to be called bitch in an intimate relationship. (Maybe with my girls while we’re out go-go dancing, but no way do I want to hear that from a lover.) Disrespect would be calling me a dirty nasty bitch and then being all “ha ha, just kidding”. Respect would be calling me Angel Food Cake.
So, in agreement with most of the other posters, it’s about respecting your wife’s boundaries. If she’s spent the last 12 years being verbally abused because you think it’s funny, and she’s tried to talk to you about this sort of thing and you totally did. not. get. it. then I would hazard a guess that she’s given up any and all hope of you ever treating her as though you value her and treasure your relationship with her. It seems to me when she makes a request and you completely disregard that because you think you’re funny (so she should too!) that sends the message that you don’t care about her feelings.
I’d have cut you off and divorced your ass a long time ago, had you treated me like that. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m doing with my STB exBF. He has demonstrated nothing but utter lack of regard for my boundaries because his needs are more important to him than my feelings.
Superhal, *do *you actually admire and respect your wife? I ask because it’s not really coming across in this thread, so I doubt it’s coming across to her. “Poop bird” and “stone butt” really don’t convey affection. Neither does “bird” when basically you’re implying that she’s stupid and easily distracted by superficial baubles. It’s not loving, it’s contemptuous. If my husband ever gave me a nickname with “poop” in it, well, that wouldn’t last long, let me tell you. Frankly, it doesn’t strike me as particularly sarcastic (I love sarcasm), it just seems like insult comedy. And not particularly funny insult comedy, at that.
So, what I think you need to do is look for things to admire about her, rather than things to be critical of. When she does some minor thing that is good, go overboard on the praise, to the point where it is funny “Goddess of shower scrubbing, grand master of sparkly bathrooms,” whatever. Overemphasis her good qualities, rather than her bad ones.
Also, is your wife Asian? Because I can see your kind of humor going over especially badly with Asian women, although I think very, very few women would be happy in a relationship where they were being constantly insulted.
One more thing: you should think of nicknames as a sort of code. Nice ones, like “honey” and “sweetheart” are shorthand for “woman I adore.” That’s how she’s going to hear them. But instead, you’re calling her “bird” which you’ve established is code for “dumb and easily distracted” and “stone butt,” which any woman is going to hear as “fat-ass.” I’m not even sure what “poop bird” is shorthand for, but I can’t see how it’s in any way flattering.
If someone you respected and loved always addressed you as shit-head or asshole, how funny would you think that was?
Yeah. I will sometimes call my hubby “bozo-head” or something (especially when he’s done something bozo-headed!), but much more often, I call him “Buddy” (because he’s my best friend) or ‘babe’ or ‘honey’. He’s not big on endearments, but he calls me ‘sweetie’ a lot. If he ever called my ‘stone-butt’, well, I should have to fong him. His innards would become his outards, his entrails would become his extrails, and there would be pain; much pain.
That’s funny - my boyfriend calls me “Pottamus” sometimes because it’s really funny. For a bit there, though, he made just a few too many jabs at my weight and I got kind of hurt about it. So he doesn’t do that anymore. 'Cause he respects me.
But if your wife doesn’t like those jokes, then how is it showing respect to her to continue telling them? More to the point, why would you even want to do it if it hurts her feelings and she doesn’t seem to be laughing/enjoying it?
But OK. Here’s a way. Give your wife honest, loving compliments. Do it a lot. Think about what makes her happy, and do that. Do not just do stereotypical ‘make woman happy’ things like teddy bears and chocolate roses, unless she actually likes those things.
For example: Look for jobs around the house that need doing, and do them. Find a nice little something that makes you think of her, and get it for no reason other than that she will like it. If she seems tired, get her dinner. Spend time with her–snuggling on the couch, giving her a little massage or whatever, asking her opinion about things (sincerely).
If you are absolutely unwilling to discontinue behavior that you know your wife finds hurtful,that right there is pretty much the meaning of disrespectful.
