Unless this was an arranged marriage, I have to take SuperHal’s side with regards to not changing his behavior w/ sarcasm and jokes. I can’t imagine he developed this oddly demeaning style of humor (stone butt?) in the last 12 years. As Dan Savage would say, she knew what was included with the price of admission when she bought the **SuperHal **ticket. If she’s upset about it now, a dozen years later, there are likely other problems lurking under the surface.
I don’t know about that. My dad has always been one to have a sarcastic, at times biting sense of humor, but lately he’s just become churlish, unclever, and dickish.
As in the ever-so-humourous example,
“Why do you have to be so stupid all the time?.. haha just kidding”
Laff riot, amiwrong?
People can change, and become meaner, over time. Maybe that happened to the OP – or the derogatory jokes could have become out of balance with nice compliments only recently.
Hi Superhal,
You’ve specifically said you don’t want to hear this, and I don’t really feel comfortable saying it, but…
Your examples of joking remarks here aren’t funny (IMO), and yesterday I actually took note of your handle because you started a thread about Onion style headlines and your lines were not good at all.
Yeah everyone finds different things funny, but I give the actual Onion an A+ and I thought yours Onion style headlines rated a D.
I don’t know how to show your wife respect, but try backing off on the jokey insults. Try to find some things you appreciate about her and compliment her on them a few times a week. (But don’t overdo it all at once.)
So, you want to stop being a dick without actually having to discontinue your dickish behavior? Interesting. Is this a joke? Because it’s the first time anything you’ve written in this thread has been even a little funny.
My parents didn’t show much respect to each other, but that isn’t an excuse for me to treat SOs like crap just because I didn’t see a lot of respect at home. I’ve been an adult for a long time; it was up to me to learn the things my parents didn’t teach me. ETA: I realize that you’re doing this by asking these questions; I just don’t want you to think that not having a great home life is an excuse for not treating your spouse well.
I call my husband Poopsie and Poopsie-butt all the time - I don’t think he minds, but I’ll ask him. 
I don’t think anyone is saying “stop telling jokes,” but almost everyone is saying, “stop making your wife the butt of your jokes when she’s been telling you for 12 years that she hates it.” Two different things, dude.
Okay, other tips on showing respect - keep your word with your wife. Don’t lie to her. Argue without crossing the lines with her. Don’t call her bad names, even in the heat of anger. Listen to her. Talk to her about stuff that matters to you. Pull your weight in the marriage. Forgive her more than she forgives you. Let her have the remote control once in a while
I grew up in a Roseanne-type family. A good put-down was cause for applause at the dinner table. No lie. Puns were valued.
It is difficult to make the adjustment but you now know you can enlist your wife’s help. Ask her to tell you what was offensive about what you said. Ask her if she feels that your put downs seem serious. Her input can help you improve your humor style but also be the source of communication that lets her know you really value her thoughts.
Most of us have some inner radar (for lack of a better word) that tells us when somebody believes in what they are saying. For instance, I love sexist jokes. I really do understand that they are jokes. But every once in a while I come across someone telling sexist jokes and I can tell somehow that they really mean what they are saying and truly looking down at the opposite sex. I steer clear of those folks. Even if they are the same sex as me. (F)
Sometimes, when you tell a joke about a “stone butt” and the person isn’t Miss Skinny Hips or has self-image problems, they are going to take your comment as a put-down about their weight or shape, even if you didn’t mean it that way. You’d be much better off making a comment about her “making waves” when she sits and giving her a leer that says “sex”. It lets her acknowledge the motion she caused and lets her know you are thinking about her - but in a good way. You can still be funny, just put a positive spin on it.
Tell all the jokes you want, just stop telling jokes where your wife is the butt of your jokes.
Dad did deadpan real well as did his father and two of his brothers. When my mother realized that she couldn’t tell whether they were joking or not, she suggested “turning the microphone around” - this is something a then-famous comic did during his stand-up routines when a joke had fallen flat or was a bit too close to the edge of censor’s scissors. We’re still doing it some 50 years later.
It’s a pity that you and your wife didn’t have such a moment of illumination earlier, but maybe something like that will allow you to use that sarcastic streak while telling her when not to take the ridiculous thing you just said seriously.
Whether you’re being sarcastic or not, definitely stay away from anything which even remotely resembles an insult. My uncle J had never been particularly kind to his wife, but the day when he called her a moron in front of us was the day when she finally grew some balls, eventually filing for separation. She’s not the brightest bulb on the tree and never has been, but it’s not like he didn’t know it on their wedding day and you do not. Ever. Call your spouse names - much less in front of other people.
Oh, and as for “stone butt”: any time you feel like saying that, kick yourself in the nuts.
Wow. You guys are overly sensitive. Teasing someone is by definition insulting them. And removing all teasing, as many you guys suggest, is just overkill. And this is coming from the guy who everyone says is overly sensitive.
As for respect, here’s a perfect example: the OP has said that he believes he already has his teasing down to acceptable levels, and wants advice on things he can add to that to show even more respect. The people in this thread that understood this, and choose to disbelieve him and offer what he’s specifically said he doesn’t want–those people are being disrepectful.
So do the opposite. When your wife mentions something that she would like you to do, do it. Right now, you don’t have enough knowledge to know how to vary it up, so just do exactly what she says. For example, the “honey” comment. She just told you that she likes being called “honey.” So do that. Don’t make up another name, as you don’t understand what she likes about being called “honey.” Just do it.
There’s really nothing else I can say that hasn’t already been said. Just don’t ignore this thread because of the disrespectful responses.
Seriously, the book. Have you ordered it yet? because you really need to read that one!
So problems that arise later can’t be fixed?
Superhal, I know you don’t want to change the way you tell your jokes; however, you have to when you’re dealing with your wife. That’s what is hurting her. If you can’t change the way you tell your jokes, at least change your target. You can’t go on as you are - you recognize that. So act accordingly.
Also, is there any way you can have a more detailed conversation with your wife about this? It sounded like it was a pretty short discussion. Talking to her could give you some better parameters. Flat-out ask her what she feels is showing respect.
Then listen to her answer. Don’t judge her, and certainly don’t joke while you’re listening.
Did Superhal ever actually say he didn’t want to stop telling the jokes? I interpreted his recent post to mean “I already get it that I should dial back on the jokes; I’m looking for a wider range of suggestions.”
- Judith Martin
Awesome. Thanks for that.
One thing I like to show respect that’s not not joking is what they call “holding space.” Give her a safe psychological space where she’s free to feel and express any emotion, and let her emotions process. Completely judgement free, without stealing the spotlight from her, without dismissing her emotions as silly or unimportant or illogical. I can’t think of any higher form of respect than that.
That is lovely, matt.
I have been hesitant to get involved in this thread because I really hate complaining about my SO or even airing past complaints in a public forum. But that Judith Martin quote got me to post.
I, am in a relationship with a deadpan snarker who can have an incredibly caustic wit. I mean, fall-down funny sometimes.
I was too young and immature when I got into this relationship to know that sometimes, that behavior might be turned on me. I was always very sensitive, and I liked his humor because it showed how confident he was.
And yes, in the first years, he addressed his snarkiness to me just as much to everyone else, and it hurt sometimes. And we fought over it, which got us nowhere. Finally, we talked about it several times, and it came out - it hadn’t ever occured to him that I was hurt by it! He thought I was much tougher than I really was, and was just being irritable when I complained, and he agreed to look closer for signs that i was hurt. I on the other hand got a better sense of what he used humor for, and I agreed to tell him when I was hurt, instead of pretending to laugh or just hiding it.
Over the years we have both mellowed out a lot and grown together. I have become way less sensitive, and he has become much less harsh in his jokes. And I know he loves me an incredible amount. He may get irritated with aspects of my behavior, but he doesn’t mock me for them…when he makes jokes, he wants us to laugh together. And that is the biggest sign to me of his respect for me - that he wants me to laugh, and smile, and be happy, and he will do anything to ensure those things. And as I know he likes me happy - he is the serious one in our relationship by far - I make a point of being cheerful and good-natured as much as I can.
So therein is respect for your SO, of one sort. Anyway, the primary reason for telling jokes to your SO should be to make them laugh, should it not? Not to make you laugh. Or at least make them groan.
Stone butt?
Nah you are on the right track mate! Hey why not next time tell her that sex with her is like throwing a weiner up through a cart horses collar! That would be a giggle yap? Better still do it in public with your friends present.
12 years you been doing this? Even though in the first few years she told you she hated it?
Would you giggle if one of your friends said the same sort of things to your wife? Would you say the same thing to one of their wives confident that the husband wouldn’t feed you a knuckle sandwich? Thats the cue how to treat your own wife in public.
And also just as an aside… are you a brit or aussie? I ask as very few cultures outside of UK NZ or OZ understand sarcasm as humour.
My fiance and I tease each other, but only about things that we know the other person has a sense of humor about. For instance, he’ll tease me about being a “corn-fed Midwesterner,” but has never made a crack about my weight, even though I’m rather large. I’ll tease him about being raised Catholic, but not about his driving skills, even if he did dent the fender twice in the same spot.
I’m going to borrow an analogy I heard a couple years ago. Think of all the things that make a person who they are as pillars of a building, and their sense of self as the roof. Some of the pillars are just decorative - they make the building more attractive and interesting, but they’re not vital. Other pillars are structural. They support the weight of the roof, and without them, the roof would collapse. Most people have aspects of themselves that they hold lightly and can laugh about, and other aspects that they hold dear and expect others to treat seriously. When you’re teasing someone, it’s important to only hit the decorative pillars, not the structural ones. People who are naturally self-deprecating have very few structural pillars and easily appreciate good-natured teasing; people who take themselves very seriously have almost nothing but structural pillars and rarely see the humor in themselves.
We also do less teasing than we do appreciating. When he does something nice, I make sure to thank him. Even if it’s something I expect him to do anyway, like take the trash out on Tuesdays. If he makes dinner, I compliment the food. He’s equally appreciative of the work I do. We make sure that we don’t take each other for granted. Because we give each other lots of earnest thanks and compliments, we know that the teasing and insults are just in jest. It’s like putting a thick padding down on the floor of that building so that when we knock the pillars down, they bounce back up instead of breaking.
I would like to lodge a protest and get all righteous, being an American who just loves sarcasm and deadpan humor.
ETA: Actually, you are probably right. I don’t think American culture on the whole is comfortable with sarcasm, even if individuals are.