I don’t use toothpaste. I don’t need to because my teeth have developed a protective coating of tartar.
Whoosh?
I don’t use my trash can to throw away anything that I can just shove down the garbage disposal in my sink, except that the disposal is broken for some reason.
It’s like the patina that keeps the Statue of Liberty from rusting.
I don’t have a body. I’m just an entity of pure light and energy. I scoff at your silly need for a robot made of meat!
I don’t use toilet paper. After taking a shit, I go outside and squat in my koi pond and let the fish gently nibble the detritus from my anus until it is fresh and clean.
I don’t use vowels. And I’m cutting back on consonants.
I have a TV, but it’s just one TV and it stays in a separate room where nobody watches it. My nonexistent children are only allowed 4 minutes of screen time a week and they can only watch a test pattern with the contrast turned way down.
I don’t have a sense of self. Narcissists like you guys bore “me”.
I tried going without my 3D Printer for a week, but after 1 day, I was HUNGRY!!
Underpants. I refuse to set foot in such petite bourgeoisie circles.
I’m a vegetarian, and I don’t eat meat. I am so offended by the idea of meat, I’m investigating transplanting my brain into a tomato plant, so I can be a true vegetarian in all aspects of my life, including existence. Meat is murder, and being meat is being a murderer!
Also, I don’t own a television.
Cheater reading glasses. I just have the waiters recite the menu to me because I have a superior short-term memory.
Keurig coffee maker - we self-actualized people drink tea.
I don’t have a microwave.
I mean, come on. You plebs are going to zap your food with radiation just to save a few minutes of cooking.
Once you are all mutant and cancer ridden, I am going to take over the world.
Ugh - I went on a blind date with a guy like this once. It was like his teeth had little mittens on them. Do I need to say there was no second date?
I don’t participate in the capitalist system at all - I just work in my tent in the woods, making organic, artisanal, free trade trinkets that I barter for organic, artisanal, free trade food.
My legs. Us enlightened folk don’t use 'em, instead choosing carts with wheels. Sometimes even with a motor. We save calories, money spent from not buying shoes, and the pain of getting foot callouses. Win/win/win.
I own no worldly possessions at all.
I learned that a couple of divorces ago.
My current wife owns a lot of neat stuff that she lets me use, for now.
I don’t watch television or go to movies or listen to the radio or read magazines or go anywhere on the internet except here. I spend 18 hours a day in an isolation tank. But when I post here I am surprisingly knowledgeable and opinionated about all manner of entertainment and political news. Except I’ve only heard of Beyonce once, in 1960, for 20 minutes.
And I bet you don’t have spelling bee awards either.
My body does not use atoms. Mass just weighs me down.